Nest

Seth Adam Smith posted a cartoon about building a nest for someone with depression.  It was one of the most wonderful things I have ever seen on how to care for a person with depression, sometimes.  I worked a little and found the original online:
http://www.robot-hugs.com/nest/

I'll wait a second while you check it out.  I loved it when I first saw it. I do believe this is a modern version of Romans 12:15 Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.  Too often, the approach to someone with depression is a command to snap out of it, get over it, put on a smile and move on.  Each method denying what the person is feeling.  However, I also recognize how easy it is to get stuck there, in a nest, not coming out, ever. There is a time to push forward and a time to rest and nest.

Update: Seth wrote about the same picture:
http://sethadamsmith.com/2014/04/14/help-someone-with-depression/

Dipped into yesteryear

I just got off Facebook where a group was started for my 40 year reunion from high school.  Good grief where did all those years go....oh yeah I remember....raising kids, working, graduating from college after 30 years, fun, sorrow, cancer, counseling, hiking, dancing, housework, what do I have to show for it....6 amazing kids with awesome spouses, 12 grand kids, great relationship with my sister, wonderful friends, 80,000 pictures, some really awesome memories, a comfortable house to live in, a wonderful husband, 3 computers, a cat, a dog, and a blog.  You know that is kind of cool.  I thank my Heavenly Father for these rich blessings and the healing of His Son Jesus Christ.  I am so rich. 

Secrets

John Nuck

There is not a crime, there is not a dodge, there is not a trick, there is not a swindle, there is not a vice which does not live by secrecy.
Joseph Pulitzer
Joseph Pulitzer (born April 10, 1847) had a hard time staying employed--he once sold his last possession, a white silk handkerchief, for 75 cents to buy food--but found his calling when he began writing. He left $2M to Columbia University, which later named the Pulitzer Prize after him.

My sisters post reminded me about how we constantly walk on egg shells around mother.  We also learned it was taboo to discuss with other family members, even each other, about what was happening.  We were scolded for tattling or told we were lying.  The secrets I carried from the pedophile down the street were enforced with promises of harm to myself or my younger brother and sister.  I get anxious if anyone asks me to keep a secret.  I ask them if they don't want anyone else to know than don't tell me.  Most people assume I will blab....I might by accident but mostly it makes me so nervous.  One of the blessings, and important part of my integration, was telling all the dark secrets.  All the stuff I was told not to tell.  It wasn't easy sharing my story.  My mind didn't yield those secrets easily.  KavinCoach became frustrated with me when he realized I would rehearse all week what I would say.  I even brought in an outline to keep me on task.  He suggested I just talk.  I didn't know how to explain the problem I had until he saw for himself.  KavinCoach pushed into a subject that was new and I hadn't practiced.  He watched as I opened and closed my mouth but no sound came out.  He watched as the terror crept into my mind when I found I had no voice to tale what he wanted to know.  So he relented and let me practice.  My story needed to be told.  I needed to end ALL the secrets.  However, I learned I didn't need to relate every detail.  Fuzzy was good. I learned that KavinCoach's main task was to let me tell horrific tales and not judge me.  I didn't always shine in the telling.  Out of fear and being a mixed up kid I did plenty of dumb stuff too.  He created a safe environment to unload all the childhood hurts, fears, and secrets.  The confusion I felt since I didn't always know my own story.  There are parts of my story that he still knows more about me than I do.  I had to accept that some blanks in my mind is God's kindest gift that I don't remember.  I once described what I remembered about most of my childhood as objects in a black bag.  I could feel them but I rarely got more than a brief glimpse.  Those minute holes I could see into my past and I could recite vivid, down to the color of the tile floor, detail.  But time before and time after that spot of memory would be gone.  I have almost no soft fuzzy memories to share.  People want to talk about their great experiences and how wonderful their childhood was, I let them talk.  I can listen.  I don't share my stories, not because they are a secret any more, but because my stories can put a real damper on the conversation.  I learned to recount a few stories that are good memories that I can trout out when needed.  Mostly I enjoy listening to others.   

Over 5 years

http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2014/04/11/heard-a-stat/

My sister posted this stat that it takes 5 years for something to become a habit.  I agree that the 21 day time limit always seemed a little ridiculous since many a habit went by the way side on day 22.  I got thinking about 5 years.  It is now over 5 years since I integrated.  I had several situations that really challenged my ability to stay together as one.  After 5 years, my integration has stood the test of time.  I am finally getting used to thinking one set of thoughts.  I am realizing that I have other coping skills besides dissociation.  I have a tool box of possible solutions when faced with stress.  Integrated self is who I am and now I believe.  I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.   I was in counseling for 10 years.  Now I am out.  I am only on month 3 and feeling a bit overwhelmed.  However, if I give myself 5 years to be comfortable without counseling....will 3 to 6 months of discomfort be unreasonable?  I started counseling thinking it was a summer project...3 months at the longest.  As I delved deeper and deeper into my own mind, I realized the folly of my thinking.  It took 6 months to even begin to grasp where I was starting.  In this society of instant everything, taking time to accomplish things is called lazy or unproductive or silly.  Spending time to heal get statements like:

Aren't you over that yet?
Stop thinking about yesterday.
Move on.
Get over it.

When I had cancer surgery no one asked me to hurry up and get over it.  I still have yearly checkups 12 years later.  I have time to heal.  I am going to give myself time to form new habits of living after counseling.  My friend cheered with me when we talked about over coming major trigger without a counselor assisting me in processing the information.  As she gently pointed out, this is a big step for me.  I have another 4 1/2 years for functioning on my own without a counselor to become a habit.  I can do that. 

Life Changing Events

Life’s best lessons are often learned at the worst times and from the worst mistakes. There will be times when it seems like everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong. And you might feel like you will be stuck in this rut forever, but you won’t. When you feel like quitting, remember that sometimes things have to go very wrong before they can be right. Sometimes you have to go through the worst, to arrive at your best. — Unknown
http://positiveoutlooksblog.com/2014/04/08/worst-times-give-lifes-best-lessons/ 


Life happens.  O'Toole's corollary says that Murphy* was an optimist.  I decided to explore PTSD web pages.  A reoccurring theme is really bugging me.  Several pages I have read refers to getting on the path to where you were before the trauma happened.  To me, it is like telling everyone to be like we were before 9/11 or some other life changing event.  The power of PTSD is that it helped to survive and attempt to process horrific events.  I was diagnosed with cancer the summer before 9/11.  I had my surgery the month after.  My DH complained that cancer changed me and wanted me to be like I was before the cancer diagnosis.  Cancer and 9/11 are tied in my mind and both life changing events.  I don't hear anyone demanding that a butterfly turn back into a caterpillar.  A loaf of bread is not left on the counter so it becomes dough again.  Life changing events happen.  Sometimes a steady flow of them can feel like a shit storm.  PTSD may or may not happen as result.  I am not saying that after a life changing event a person will never be happy again.  That is just not true.  What I am saying that the reason some events are called life changing is because everything is different afterwards, even the things that make us happy.  I was delighted when I could finally use my arm again to take a gallon of milk out of the refrigerator.  Before cancer, I thought nothing of grabbing a gallon of milk.  After cancer, my first attempt all I did was keep the milk jug from shattering when it hit the floor.  I couldn't lift the milk with the side that had the surgery.  When I finally could take the milk out of the refrigerator with my left arm, I rejoiced at the milestone of regaining my strength.  I regained my strength but I no longer take for granted the simple act of taking a gallon of milk out of the refrigerator.  Life changing events are called this because we look at the world differently from then on.  A bend in the road of life with no going back to the same type of thinking.  

*Murphy's Law:  Anything that can go wrong will go wrong at the worse possible moment.

Stop and Start

I followed a link to 30 things to stop doing.  I was enchanted by the pictures.  The list is similar to other lists I have checked out.  So I followed the link to the writers of this list and found a list of 30 things to start doing.  A reader's comment suggested to take their don't list and make it a 'to-do' list. 

STOP : http://www.lifebuzz.com/just-stop/

START : http://www.marcandangel.com/2011/12/18/30-things-to-start-doing-for-yourself/

I am a big believer that we just don't stop doing things.  I need to replace the things I stop doing with things I want to do.  A few of these I consider to be KEY principals to changing my life. 


3. Start being honest with yourself about everything.


8. Start being more polite to yourself.

The two list are quite impressive.  Easy to write much harder to do.  Even more difficult to embrace.  Challenge I am facing is I know what to do, however actually doing these good things in my life poses a whole different issue.


  Thinking of summer