Amazing out of extreme stess

My first counselor introduced the concept of thriving fairly early in my healing process.  Most of my thinking at the time was could I thrive in spite of what happened to me?  Lately, I am exploring a different direction.....How can I thrive because of my experiences?

Nature provides plenty of examples of amazing things happening because of extreme stress.  On my photo blog I posted pictures of obsidian.  The first couple of pictures show the rubble of the small volcanic eruption from eon's ago.  Obsidian is formed as lava cools rapidly and forms the black rock that surgeons use that they are finding are finer and sharper than any surgical steel.  The black rock is used in jewelry adding a dark accent of loveliness.  I violent eruption is not usually equated with beauty and usefulness.  It is because of the eruption that obsidian is formed not in spite of. 

http://ruthmower.blogspot.com/2015/03/obsidian.html

Rules that need to be broken

http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2014/11/18/bradshaws-list/

Rules that need to be broken would be the title I would call this list.  Judy shared Bradshaw's list of dysfunctional families.  When I married and raised my children, I functioned as a multiple with 3 main parts and 2 back ground parts.  The structure was how I functioned from about 12-15 years old.  I didn't know the fancy names.  In spite of my Dad having his Masters in Education Psychology, all things psychological such as counseling were frowned upon.  When I finally did get counseling, I was asked how I chose to raise our family, "Anything my mother did, I did the opposite."  I suspect my children would do well to follow the same rule.  Please read Judy's post for her perspective.  I am sharing my thoughts on each of the topics.    

Original reference shared by roots2blossom.....I love a community of bloggers that share information in the hopes of learning more and helping each other. Go team. 
http://www.thewellspring.com/flex/professional-integration/2455/dysfunctional-family-rules.cfm

Control - I needed to control things but I relinquished all control as much as possible because I was terrified of control.  Yea, it made about this much sense.  I watched as a child the way an adult would manipulate or even torture another person to control their actions.  I didn't just have a dysfunctional family but a warped and twisted neighborhood.  Control was paramount, and yes they would be willing to kill you to maintain it.  My mother's controlling ways seemed well with in the norm compared to what had I seen. It wasn't until I was an adult that I understood how she used emotions to manipulate others and situations.  I had to learn that I could safely control things like allowing myself to go to the bathroom when I needed to go or eat when I felt hungry.  I think one of the powerful things I am learning in karate is how much control I can have over my own body. I know that much of life is not under my control but I can control myself most of the time....Insomnia is still a battle to overcome.  Gives me an ongoing goal.  

Perfectionism - My counselor was astounded at the extreme distress I would experience from the slightest error.  I would get so wound up and worried that the world would end if I made a mistake on anything.  Flylady.org was the first one to change my perspective.  She wrote about the illness of perfectionism.  Irony is she is a bit of a perfectionist herself, but that just means she is a work in progress.  I bought a Sodoku book and practiced making mistakes without feeling anxiety.  I don't do them any more because they served their purpose.  I make mistakes, typos, misunderstandings, forgetting,  the list is a length one.  I am human.  I am supposed to make mistakes.  I like at the school where I am at that they are teaching students FAIL First Attempt In Learning.  I am allowed to make mistakes.  I don't need to blame anyone or anything else.  I also rejected the mantra I heard often, "What can you do so you never make that mistake again?"  I make the same mistakes over and over and over....I will thrive making mistakes.

Blame -  Oh boy is this one ever a big.  I started working at take responsibility for my actions from a young age.  I was also punished by my mother for the things she did.  I took the blame for everything my younger brother and sister did because I was watching them and I was blamed for anything that went wrong.  Until I married, I was the designated target for blaming.  I accepted that role.  However, when married I alternated between taking all the blame and blaming everything on my husband.  I was not consistent.  Counseling did a lot to help me sort out how to take responsibility for the things I did and allowing others to take responsibility for what they do.  I don't need to cushion others from their mistakes.  I don't need to take the blame for someone else's screw up.  My poor nasty boss was a guinea pig for many of my counseling homework assignments on how not to take responsibility for someone else's problem.  I am still working on not shouldering blame that is not mine.  I am fairly good at admitting when I am wrong.  Progress comes slowly when I am totally changing my entire way of functioning. 

Denial of the Five Freedoms*—Each freedom has to do with a basic human power—the power to perceive; the power to think and interpret; to feel; to want and choose; and the power to imagine. Wowser....I was stunned in counseling to find out that these basic freedoms were even available.  My counselor spent weeks having me write out my basic rights and responsibilities.  Powerful homework assignment.  I was raised with a status of less than a 3rd class citizen.  The grocery clerk was treated with more respect than I was.  I was denied basic things like food when there was food rotting in the refrigerator.  Use of the bathroom when I needed to go for no other reason that my mother had the power to tell me know.  Things like feeling, choice, opinion, perception were all denied or punished.  I mirrored what my mother wanted or she would make my life miserable.  She was a pussy cat compared to what the neighbor did to me. 

The No-Talk Rule— this was a total screw up.  I was expected to talk but by damn I better say exactly what they wanted me to say.  The first year of counseling was pure agony as I attempted to share my story.  I would get physically ill just trying to say some of the things I remembered.  I was terrified that my family would be murdered if I talked.  I still feel uneasy but so far we are all healthy. 

Don’t Make Mistakes—Yea this was lethal....literally.  Make a mistake at the wrong moment and being backhanded was the least of my worries.  At least with hitting it was over quickly.  Also see above perfectionism.

Unreliability— Sadly, I am also unreliable.  If you are not the same person from day to day, yea major unreliability issues all over the place.  I still struggle majorly with trust issues.  This piece is something I hope my children can improve on.  I hope they are more reliable to their spouses and children than I was for them.  I am working at becoming a reliable person and I am working at learning to rely on others. 

Palm Sunday

I took a quick trip into an internet dark zone.  Went with DH to visit father-in-law.  I used all my phone data trying to stay connected.  I didn't realize how important feeling connected to the world is to me.  I read a children's cookbook and a basic cookbook for me.  I realized I know a whole lot more about cooking than I thought I did.  Kind of excited about what I am learning.  I am also reconnecting with crocheting.  At first, I worked at doing a pattern just so and I almost gave up....then I decided to crochet an ugly scarf.  I am having a blast.  It is haphazard and silly looking.  I'm enjoying reconnecting with a craft I gave up years ago.  I found some patterns I do want to do. I just want to get back into the swing of things first, then tackle something more precise. 

Next part is my thoughts on Palm Sunday.  For those unfamiliar with this, it is the day Jesus rode on a white ass into Jerusalem.  His followers laid down their coats and palm leaves as a triumphant entrance just before the Passover celebration.  Reading about it in the New Testament I recognize it is the beginning of the end.  Christ prepares and prophecies to his apostles what is about to happen.  The chapters are multilayer with meaning and symbols for the faithful to garner great truths.  I wonder how much was lost in writing and rewriting and translating.  Then I remind myself, the prophecies were fulfilled.  Either I believe in the Divinity of Christ or I don't.  There is no middle ground.  This will be a week of deep pondering and thinking.  I keep reading and studying more.  After I study about it, I pray that I may know the truth of what I have studied.  At times I am moving forward on faith, other times I am reassured in the warmest gentlest whisperings that Christ is who he says he is, the only begotten of a loving Heavenly Father.  Christ knew before the world was that he had a mission entrusted to him.  This is the week that changed eternity and fulfilled the atonement.  I choose to believe.

Learning

Interesting that I can find information on how to learn in an article about cheating. 

http://mpricemitchell.sharedby.co/share/QYxH3g

This article suggests that the way to stop cheating is to create a grading system that evaluates the way students learn. 

This is the 10 criteria they suggest for learning:

Picked ten observable behaviors and named them “Disciplines of a Learner:”

1.     Asks questions

2.     Builds on other people’s ideas

3.     Uses mistakes as learning opportunities

4.     Takes criticism constructively

5.     Speaks up

6.     Welcomes a challenge

7.     Takes risks

8.     Listens with an openness to change

9.     Perseveres in tasks

10.   Decides when to lead and when to follow.

Graded on a four point scale of  4=consistently, 3=often, 2=sometimes, 1=rarely, students could set goals to improve their learning.

I looked over this list and every single one of them is something I can choose to improve.  I am great at asking questions.  Drove some of the people I worked with crazy because I would ask questions about anything and everything.  I think that is why I love books.  Books don't complain about all my questions and I find answers.

I like this way of breaking down learning into things I can turn into goals for self improvement.  I believe I already made the big radical changes in my life, now I am working on ways of improving which way I am going.  I like my work.  I enjoy my family.  I am learning new things.  I want to be better.  I can see why with this list of criteria cheating is a non-issue.  How could someone cheat at persevering?

Beans beans beans

I discovered the down side of learning how to cook.  I did a bean party and cooked three types of beans.  This is not opening them up from a can and heating it in the microwave.  I started these three the day before with soaking all night long.  Dried beans need to soak and reabsorb water.  Then I took inspiration from Allrecipes.com with their recipes.  I also considered what I had on hand.  The pinto beans I did the usual beans and hocks using the ham bone from an earlier ham dinner.  The bean has bits of ham and thickens from the bone marrow in the bone.  They turned out a little different than I expected.  DH explained that manufactures have changed the curing process which changes the flavor of the beans and hocks.  These beans I consider a main dish.  Served with corn bread makes for a yummy combination. 

The navy beans I took inspiration from the Boston baked beans idea.  I purchased molasses to go into this one along with brown sugar, ketchup, and several yummy spices.  For the half the cooking time I took the lid off so the beans would thicken up.  Had these again last night with pork chops.  The beans became a yummy side dish to replace the potatoes I usually make with pork chops.

The black beans were given a twist of lime and cilantro to become a South of the Border style dish.  At first I wasn't too impressed with this one.  Then I sampled using a Frito as a scooper.  Those beans started a party in my mouth.

I was impressed that all 3 pots of beans fit in my oven.  The downside is I now have a lot of beans.  I gave some away. I froze the rest.  The Black beans I plan to serve as a future build your own burrito dinner with our kids and their families.  I've always felt intimidated by backing beans.  In the past I've burnt them, made uneatable combinations, and undercooked them.  (We would have needed to wait to eat at midnight.  Cooked way too slow.)  Learning to cook is my long term goal this year.  After this experience, I feel like I could tackle any combination of beans.  Next step on the bean excursion, refried beans.  My daughter assures me this is easy to do.

To go with the beans I cooked baking soda biscuits.  I actually followed all the directions including the rolling out and folding.  For the first time, I understand how biscuits get all these little  layers. The tasted amazing.  Also yummy a couple of days later by popping them in the microwave for 10 seconds.  Here is the delicious recipe:
http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Chef-Johns-Buttermilk-Biscuits
The whole folding thing really did work.  They pulled apart into layers begging to have butter added...and a bit of honey too.  Super yummy. 

Gratitude

Every so often I feel a need to write about the many things I am grateful for.  Heavenly Father and Christ, my Savior, top the list.  Today I was contacted by 2 people that read my blog and they thanked me.  It feels nice to be appreciated.  I have another reader that reads and gives support in more ways than she will ever know.  She is an inspiration to me.  My sister helped me out of the cookie jar....to read the story go here: https://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/the-cookie-jar/ She takes care of our dog in the middle of the day so I don't feel so guilty leaving her home alone. 

I am thankful for car trouble.  Yep, the car wouldn't go out of park.  However, it didn't stop working until it was in our driveway.  Mechanic told my husband the trick to get it working long enough to be repaired.  It was under warranty....no cost.  Woohoo.

I am thankful for traffic jams.  Time to sit quietly and sort things out.  I'm not going anywhere any way so I settle in for some quiet meditation.  I am thankful to kind drivers that let me into a busy lane.  I am fascinated that thousands of cars travel to and from work everyday with so few accidents. 

I am thankful for work.  I am a person that does much better working to get me out of my comfort zone.  I am especially blessed to work with some amazing people both student, staff, and little kids.  I love serving the little kid lunches.  They all cheer when I walk in the room.  For that moment, I feel like a rock star.  I get sweet little hugs.  It really lights up my day. 

I am thankful for service people.  Those wonderful individuals that nobody pay attention to but make my world just a little better.  The fellow that looked over the car I returned to get my car, the security people at work that stay watchful so we can relax and learn in the classroom, the lady the makes our copies, the chef that makes our lunches....yes we are blessed with a chef at our school.  Lunches are often spectacular. 

I am blessed every day in so many different ways I lose count.  That's ok, I will have many more blessings tomorrow.  I remind myself that I don't need to put a limit on blessings and not counting them all leaves more to count later.