“Enterpaining”

Disturbing to open my email and read an article about what is happening in my life right now. 
I've followed Karen for quite sometime.  I usually just read without commenting.  Tonight she pieced together my why.

http://notsalmon.com/2014/08/30/stages-of-grief/

Why am I looking for a new counselor?  I need someone outside of my immediate life that I am willing to articulate and use my words about certain subjects.  DH is awesome but I don't want to unload all my garbage on him. He doesn't deserve it.  My sister is great, we go walking once a week for sister therapy.  She listens to my babblings.  We walk and talk every week.  My kids are wonderful.  I am blessed with several living close by.  The teacher at work is great at allowing me to express my concerns at school...so why would I need a counselor?  I carry a dark burden that I don't want to articulate those thoughts to anyone close to me.  I allowed those dark thoughts to stay behind a wall with a big "Do not disturb" sign.  This summer they got disturbed.  I am realizing that wall of separation was just an illusion.  I appreciate Karen sharing her experience of turning hurt into humor.  She coined the name "enterpaining."  Make pain a joke, Dark Humor Inc.  One of my teachers found my tendency to laugh and joke about life's pains disturbing.  He objected.  I told him at the time, "I can laugh or cry over this situation, I prefer to laugh."  Thanks to Karen, I recognize now that laughter is a form of denial.  Emotional put down to myself that I don't have the right to feel what I feel.  Karen shared her words to her 4 year old, "Use your words."  In counseling, I use my words.  Talking to a counselor I get feed back and many times excellent suggestions as to what I can do differently.  I am looking for a counselor that I can use my words.