Assertive or Aggressive?

 
"The basic difference between being assertive and being aggressive is how our words and behavior affect the rights and well being of others."

 -- Sharon Anthony Bower, author Powerquotes - Creating Daily Insights and Inspiration
Volume 7, Number 238 - ISSN: 1523-8008

I was spring cleaning my computer and found this quote again, saved deep in a folder.  I put it here as a draft and then never quite knew how to tackle the subject.  Why is this important to me that it is saved in multiple places but still unused?  I think the problem is that I am still working on it.  This is not clear cut or logical when applied to people that do not play fair.  When a person wants me to be their doormat and I refuse, I'm the one that gets branded aggressive and unreasonable because I do not let them use me they way they want to.  I hurt their feeling....yea, all one of them.  This would be great quote in reference to healthy people but there are a lot of unhealthy people in my life.  I can't avoid all of them.  I am in search of a better description.  This definition leaves the decision if I am aggressive or assertive to someone else.   I do not want to give away that powerful choice.  I decide if I am being aggressive or assertive. 

How about this quote?

Assertive people have acquired the skills to state their opinions to others in a respectful manner while those who are aggressive attack others and force their opinions on others...
http://www.livestrong.com/article/140884-aggressive-behavior-vs-assertive-behavior/

I think this is a little closer because it is refers to my intent. 

Thank you Mayo Clinic, I think I have a winner:

Being assertive is a core communication skill. Being assertive means that you express yourself effectively and stand up for your point of view, while also respecting the rights and beliefs of others.
http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644

The part that was missing from the first definition is standing up for my point of view.  I know how to be a doormat.  I know how to be passive aggressive.  I know how to dissociate and disengage and avoid.  I am still learning to stand up for my point of view in a respectful way. 



Interesting articles:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/passive-aggressive-diaries/201406/passive-aggressive-vs-assertive-behavior-in-relationships

http://www.earthlingcommunication.com/a/assertive-skills/assertive-vs-aggressive-communication.php This article uses the first quote by Bower.  Going for the Win-Win.

http://www.etfo.ca/AdviceForMembers/PRSMattersBulletins/Pages/Assertive%20Versus%20Aggresive%20Behaviour.aspx

Aggressive

Passive

 

Assertive