I didn't

I was going to get back in the habit of writing here and I didn't.  Life happens.  I wondered today why I was reluctant to write.  I realized that the reasons are many, excuses are numberless but the bottom line is I am ashamed of how far down I fallen again.  Every year I promise myself with self care and creative problem solving I'll do better - I didn't.  My daughter posting a picture of my mother on Facebook to celebrate her birthday hurt so much.  I feel like she chose my mother over me.  I use depression to stop the anger that hides the hurt.  A powerful chain reaction that has me spiraling out of control again.  Stop the boat now. (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.) 

It doesn't matter who any one chooses.  I am choosing to be with people that want to be with me.  I am choosing to take a break when I need one.  I am choosing humble acceptance that sometimes you are rejected by those you want to love.  I figured it out that I spent half my life with people that don't want me in their life.  I feel jealous when someone writes about their mother being their best friend.  My mother isn't and I'm not my children's best friend either.  Sometimes I wish I didn't reconnect my emotions in counseling.  Sometimes the sadness hurts so much.  Then I get blamed and shamed and told that if I was different then it would all be different.  Well, I'm not different.  Now what?