Friday, January 13, 2017

One Done, One to go

These last 6 weeks have this constant energy drain of unknowns with my body.  I had emergency surgery with biopsies the first part of December.  I had to wait until today to hear the results.  This morning I accepted in my mind the possibility I have cancer, again.  I felt a tremendous relief when the biopsies all came back negative for cancer.  The doctor suspects the underlying problem is allergies.  Apparently, I am eating something in my diet that is causing swelling in my esophagus.  So I am looking for a good allergist that might help me track down what I eat that creates the internal swelling.  Does my body cooperate and tell me what I need to know? No.  I do know it gets worse I am stressed, in a hurry, or general raise in anxiety for any reason.  Guess what?  Allergies get worse in these same conditions.  I had this problem for over 15 years and this is the first doctor that suggested checking to see what I am allergic to.  Monday and Tuesday are my 2 day thyroid test….and I wonder why I dread seeing doctors.  Oh yea, the stress of not having a clue why my body does what it does and relying on a person I just met to tell me what would be the best course of action.  Trust issues can really interfere with getting proper medical care.

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Snap Snarl and Growl

I didn't realize how much my medication helped even out my sleep, moods, and general outlook on life.  Thyroid medicine makes a difference.  Not taking it I am watching my sleep deteriorate, my concentration sucks, and I'm craving salt of all things.  I envy a cow or a horse having a salt lick.  I've devoured almost an entire bag of salty corn chips.  I snapped at a student, tried to pick a fight, then laughed with my sister with that sound on the edge of hysteria.  I sometimes wonder if doctors think through what these tests do to their patients.  For one, I lost my patients.  I wish I could just stay home and curl up in a ball for 5 more days.  This had better work....just say'n.

Monday, January 9, 2017


I was worried with going off my thyroid medicine would toss me back into deep depression.  I realized my body feels depressed but my emotions are functioning.  In the last two weeks I had highs and lows, I'm feeling all of them.  My emotions are varied.  I am learning that sad is different from depression.  Sad for an identifiable reason, like pointing to a bruise and saying it hurts here.  Happy can intermingle with sad.  I was sad our dog died but I was relieved she was out of pain and able to run again in Heaven...yes, I believe all dogs go to Heaven.  Going off my thyroid medicine is messing with me in several other unpleasant ways.  One of the tough ones is having a chill down.  The room is normal temperature or even hot and I am shivering like I am barefoot in the snow.  My body aches after shivering for 20 or 30 minutes.  Blankets help, sometimes I resort to hot chocolate to warm from the inside out.  I don't know how to describe this feeling of feeling cold inside no matter what the outside temperature might be.  Insomnia is worse.  Sleeping is worse.  I am craving salt like crazy.  I bought a bag of salty corn chips and almost finished them myself within a few days.  This is what gets tricky about PTSD and illness and what is normal any way?  Oh yea, a setting on the drier.  Next week I take the medical test that I went off my medication for to prepare my body to share what is happening inside.  I wonder if doctors ever stop to think what will happen to their client when they ask them to endure some of these tests? 

Sunday, January 8, 2017


I am sad today.  Our dog Tera died last Friday in here sleep.  We found out about a month ago that the lumps under her fur were cancer in several places in her body.  I am thankful to my sister who tenderly cared for her in ways that I don't know how to do.

She loved chasing balls. 

Monday, January 2, 2017

Looking back to move forward

I spend the time between Christmas and New Year looking back to move forward.  I use the time to review how I did this past year to see what I need to do this next year.  This year was a tough year.  I've had tougher but not many.  Physical health took a dump.  Family relations are strained.  Emotional resilience is suffering.  This year was tough.  So now what?

I am adding more consistent scripture study.  That is enlightening.  I am noticing that when people quote scriptures they tend to cherry pick and take things out of context.  I am taking the time to put these scriptures back into context and reading what comes before and after.  WOW.  Some of them get watered down and diluted when taken out of context.  That is going well. 

I am doing less photography but staying more engaged in activities.  Photography tends to put the camera between me and what I am experiencing.  I am working at connecting more in now situations.  I still enjoy photography but I work at not allowing photography be an escape from connecting. 

I bought a bunch of art supplies that I plan to do more art in the coming year.  I am looking forward to doing that. 

I looked at a cooking class and decided with extreme food restrictions for the next while cooking isn't much fun.  I did have fun making rice crispy treats and I have more to make.  Looking forward to that.  I am also reading a children's cookbook.  It takes things back to the very basics.  I still enjoy watching cooking shows. 

I am crocheting more and I am learning new patterns.  That is a continued goal from this past year.

I am analyzing how to best approach the problems facing my parents as they age.  Some I am walking away from.  Others I feel a heavy sense of responsibility.  Not sure what I want to do with this one.  This is when I wish I could talk to my first counselor.  He would always tell me he wasn't God and didn't know the answers.  I would reply he knew more than I did about relationships and feelings.  He always agreed with that.  His words are in a notebook that I am reading slowly.  Maybe I should up the reading in his book?  I'll think on that one.   

School is better than ever.  This is one bright highlight of this year.  After last year with teachers leaving mid year and ending up being a substitute to this year I am now working with 3 excellent teachers, big improvement. 

Physical health is a mess.  I gained back all the weight I lost plus 20 lbs more.  It sucked.  I finally ate whatever because it sucked to work hard and watch the weight pack back on.  My yearly physical revealed my thyroid has gone haywire.  It quit working years ago, I didn't know it could mess up so much.  My stomach problem is back, my last doctor said it would come back to haunt me.  So annoying and frustrating.  I am aware of what I need to do, as I have strength I am working at getting diet and exercise back on track.  I am hoping sleep will improve when I am doing better in other areas.  Aging is tough.  I like the bumper sticker that says, "Growing old is not for sissies." 

I am hopeful that resolving to make healthy choices spiritually, emotionally, and physically, I'll get on track to a much better year this year.  I learned years ago that simple adjustments to what I do with my life are more effective than attempting drastic changes.  I've done drastic changes but I do better when the adjustments are small, consistent and long term. 

To read further about small changes you can read my earlier post:

Inching along into the New Year. 

Friday, December 30, 2016

How far have I come?

"Instead of focusing on how far you still have to go, take some time today to remind yourself of how far you’ve already come. Yes, you’re still struggling. And yes, you still have some distance to cover, but those things don’t discount the progress you’ve already made. Healing takes time. It’s not a process that can be rushed. Beating yourself up for not being further along doesn’t improve your situation. It makes you feel awful and it keeps you stuck. Your journey may be slow, but it’s not without promise. Despite how difficult this process has been, despite how hopeless you’ve felt, despite all of the people who have told you that you would never make it, you’ve never once given up. You’ve never stopped fighting and pushing forward. So give yourself some credit for that. It wasn’t easy. But you did it, and you deserve to be proud of yourself. Let go of this idea that you should be further ahead, and trust that it’s okay to be where you are. Trust that you won’t be here forever. Trust that you will get to where you need to be. You’re doing the best you can each day to fight the darkness you feel, and that’s all you can ask of yourself. It’s enough." ~Daniell Koepke

Thank you to my internet sister that shared this reminder to rejoice in my progress however small I feel it may be.