Thursday, August 28, 2014

So Cool

The meeting was awesome.  The administrator listed the areas that help was needed then asked those working which areas they felt they could help.  We each checked off the areas and they realized that every area was covered by two people.  The people in the meeting were reasonable, treated each other with respect, and I felt heard.  I will now be working in areas of my greatest strength instead of pushing me into areas that I would battle to stay a float.  What....what...what?  Can this be?  Yup, it is so cool to be treated with respect and consideration.  The work will get done and now they have an idea what is needed from the person that they are hiring needs strengths.  It feels good. 

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Stress is stress

"For every failure, there's an alternative course of action. You just have to find it.  When you come to a roadblock, take a detour."
- Mary Kay Ash 

Bad stress.....bad bad stress.... Every where I read articles about bad stress....don't be stressed it is bad for you.  Always when talking about stress they talk about bad stress and how bad it is.  I've had my fair share of stress.  One of the things that puzzle people is when I react badly to good or even great events.  People tend to forget the big events that we want to happen still cause stress reactions.  Blood pressure goes up, adrenalin pumps into my body, and heart rate accelerates and the body reacts to the Good stress about the same way as the bad stress.  So stress is in my life.  My mother studied Hans Selye, the guy that named stress as it is used today. I listened to her talk about his writing so much, I haven't bothered to read his book myself.   However, I do read articles and other information.  One of the side lights I learned is you can't live without stress.  Some people will purposely create stress if things get too quiet. (You know the ones that create drama where ever they go.)  The world revolves around stress, literally.  The spinning of our planet is in a constant tug of war with the sun's gravitational pull.  Too much and we would be sucked into the sun, not enough we would fly out into space and never have to worry about global warming.  So we hurtle through space revolving around the sun, enjoying different seasons, and blessed with stress because we are still stuck to the planet.  Yup, a certain amount of stress is essential.  Unfortunately, I'm in the unhealthy habit of being determined to do everything I am asked to do to my detriment.  I realize that my present stress at work is being caught between people that I have no control over each asking and expecting me to do something different.  I have a meeting tomorrow with one of the administrators.  I hope to be able to convey that I am willing to do what I can to help the students succeed.  I just don't want to get caught in a turf war between district, school, and grant funding requirements.  I feel the tension and resentment from both sides and my reaction is a desire to crawl under my bed and wait for the storm to blow over.  That option would leave me without a job.  I feel a bit like a kid going in front of the principal because somebody else told them I was being bad when I didn't know the rules.  Triggers galore. 

Goals for tomorrow:
1. Calmly explain my perspective. 
2. Reassert my willingness to help where needed. 
3. Gently remind them it is not my responsibility to solve their turf war. 

I am looking forward to an opportunity to say what I am concerned about.  This is a good stress but I'm still stressed.  Brownies in chocolate pudding is lovely self medication for this type of stress and yes I will be exercising extra.  Please, send prayers and good vibes my way as I tackle the goal to communicate peacefully my desire to be helpful without saying the wrong thing.  (No, I may not refer to a person as a 'dumb ass.')

Tuesday, August 26, 2014


My sister reposted this link ( and I realized that I really want to have it super bookmarked by putting it in my blog.  Yes, I actually search my own blog since several things come back to haunt me on a regular basis.  What I worked out before often helps again.

Yup, I need this right now.  I am reading several books about our thoughts making us who we are.  I find the books fairly disturbing since my head is still trying to take out all the trashed dumped on me from childhood.  I feel aggravated, no pissed off, when people declare that what happens to you as a child doesn't make any difference as an adult.  I tend to agree if it were a single event but if a child is habitually abused the after affects can last a life time.  Sometimes the effect is the person fighting not to be like their past.  I like Poppy's ideas about turning ANTs into ARTs and her idea of HABITS gives me something to review. 


 Thanks Poppy.

I had a shake up at work and a reality check bounce this weekend.  I decided to pull back and regroup.  I came home exhausted tonight but worked out anyone.  Bless sweet DH he cooked dinner tonight.  I felt loved.  I am going to turn my thoughts to finding healthy HABITS that will build me up instead of tearing me down.  I am choosing to take what I learned in counseling and implement a campaign to be kind to myself.  I realized that I do think about what I need now I need to put into action my good thoughts.  I can change.....I've done a lot of changing and more is in my future. 

Looking for a new beat to march to.......

Monday, August 25, 2014

Wrapping my mind around Judgements

Robin Williams suicide sparked a firestorm of individuals condemning, pounding their chest and declaring that God will do this or that to him.  I am religious.  I believe that Christ put His arms around Him and counseled with I know God's mind? NO, but neither does anyone else.  No more than does anyone know RW's mind and heart.  No one will disagree that he suffered through out his life.  Invisible Shadow shared a compassionate perspective that not all will agree with.  I admire her compassion.  I believe Christ is compassionate....makes you think doesn't it?

I realize that I keep coming back to this over and over again.  If I was still in counseling, I would be devoting many sessions trying to process through what I am feeling.  It is a subject that has pounced on me at night when I am at my lowest.  It haunts my nightmares.  I also keep a death count.  People will say that 'emotional abuse' doesn't kill you but I know that at this time there are 3 murders and 7 suicides in the wake of the pedophile that terrorized me.  Those are just the ones I know about.  There are hundreds of others that simply disappeared or I didn't try to keep track of them.  Occasionally, I am tempted to minimize or play down the severity of what happened.  Then I remind myself, I will not forget, I will remember those that suffered.  I will not turn my back on the seriousness of mental anguish caused by 'emotional abuse.'  I call emotional abuse cancer of the soul and in my opinion every bit as lethal.   When I had cancer, I encountered a poem in my oncologists office.

"What Cancer Cannot Do"

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.
Author: Unknown
This is what emotional abuse can do
It cripples love.
It shatters hope.
It corrodes faith.
It eats away peace.
It destroys confidence
It damages and often kills friendships.
It shuts out memories.
It silences courage
However It cannot reduce eternal life.  
Incredibly it doesn't always quench the Spirit......
If I can stay alive long enough to figure out how to beat back the darkest enemy....
A lethal killer that turns the person against them-self.  

Emotional abuse can be healed.  
It is not the end, until you die.   
I grieve for those that didn't see that the power of emotional abuse is smoke and mirrors lie.  

Please, don't let the abusers win.  
Each survivor I hope will fight to restore.....
Restore their love of themselves and others.
Restore their hope out of the ashes like a Phoenix.
Restore their faith in humanity and God.
Restore their peace when a storm rages around them.
Restore their confidence.
Restore their ability to have friends.
Restore their memories especially the good ones.
Restore their courage.  Go beyond survival and embrace the courage to thrive.
Believe again that Eternal Life is worth it.
Restore and heal their Spirit.
All this takes time.  I hope survivors can live long enough to find the Joy in Thriving.  
Takes time to get out of a deep pit.


Sunday, August 24, 2014

Do you really trust God?

An old cowboy was riding his horse along a high mountain pass.  The way was perilous and he was very aware of the danger of the cliff on one side and towering mountain on the other.  Suddenly a terrible wind knocked the cowboy of his horse and sent him plummeting over the edge.  As he fell, he hit a small tree which he grabbed and held onto with both hands.  He hung their dangling from this scary height.  He prayed for help. 

From the Heavens the old cowboy heard a voice, "Do you believe?"

 Old cowboy hollered back, "Yes Lord, I believe."

Again from the Heavens he heard the Lord ask, "Do you believe I created the wind that blew you off the cliff?"

Old cowboy confirmed, "Yes Lord, I believe."

The voice from Heaven inquired, "Do you believe I created the tree you are hanging on to?"

Old cowboy again yelled, "Yes Lord, I believe."

Again the voice asked, "Do you believe I can create another wind to blow you back up on to the top of the cliff?"

Old cowboy screamed, "Yes Lord, I believe."

Rumbling from the Heavens, "Then let go."

Often, I hold tenaciously to where I am afraid to "let go" and see if I might fall or fly.  I am not one of those that believe that Heavenly Father will only keep us in the area of what we can handle.  I fully believe He will push us over the edge to see if we will fall or fly.  This world is designed to push us over the edge tsunami, earth quakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are just one section of extreme stressors.  Suffering may happen for a short season.  I also learned that the Lord's short season is much longer than my idea of a short time.  In the story of Joseph sold into Egypt, Joseph was kept in prison for YEARS, then Pharaoh knew exactly where to find him when he was needed.

 Psalms 34:18
18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

Being broken hearted is not a comfortable process.  Easy stuff doesn't break your heart.  Life guarantees, Death and taxes.  I believe heart break could be added to that list of guaranteed life events.  It is not a question of what do you do when your heart is broken, the question is when your heart breaks what are you going to do?

Tough things happen to everyone and how we react is our greatest challenge.  Too often horrible things happen when we are very young without any understanding of events or any coping strategies.  I lived this.  The glib sounding, "God won't give you anything you can't handle.."  causes an extreme desire for me to smack the speaker.  My counselor helped me wrap my mind around the fact that events of my childhood most adults couldn't cope with.  I do believe that there is no wound, no hurt, no error, no sin so severe that Christ atonement can take care of it.  Pious arguments abound when people try to put a limit on Christ redemptive powers.  I feel irritated by these pious souls.  I pray that each of us will receive more compassion than we deserve.  I am thankful for my faith in Christ and my understanding that He is with me, always.

I am sharing a link to one of my favorite poems.  May you feel peace and happiness sometime today. 

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Slow Dance

Thanks to Snopes I was given the name of the author of this poem.
Slow Dance
Have you ever watched kids on a merry-go-round,
or listened to rain slapping the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight,
or gazed at the sun fading into the night?

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.

Do you run through each day on the fly,
when you ask "How are you?", do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed,
with the next hundred chores running through your head?

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.

Ever told your child, we'll do it tomorrow,
and in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch, let a friendship die,
'cause you never had time to call and say hi?

You better slow down, don't dance so fast,
time is short, the music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere,
you miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,
it's like an unopened gift thrown away.

Life isn't a race, so take it slower,
hear the music before your song is over.

I first read this in an email that was supposed to be written by a girl dying from cancer. Snopes reported it was false and gave the name of the correct author. It was worth the hunt. I don't think the poem is any less beautiful or thought provoking now that I know the true author.  His web pages has several more poems.  Enjoy browsing through his poems and thoughts.  Slow down, relax, enjoy the moment for in the moments is the magic.