Sunday, June 28, 2015

Enough already....

I am trying to learning healthier ways to take care of my body.  I loved hiking and sightseeing for these last two weeks and I am feeling a renewed enthusiasm for strengthening my body so I can continue my improvement.  Here is the hassle.  Many of these websites go on and on and on telling me I am doing it all wrong without telling me how to do things right, according to them.  I just spent 30 minutes listening to a woman ramble and ramble and ramble with no real information on how to do things differently.  The kicker, many of these are infomercials, meaning to get the answer you have to pay to get it.  Plus the information is conflicting.  One says the most important meal of the day is breakfast the next recommends skipping that meal altogether.  Or says you can have breakfast at noon.  The only way I have breakfast at noon is if I wake up at 11:30 which just doesn't happen.  Insomnia often means I can't sleep-in either.  Today, I did buy a work out program that I actually found suggested on several different websites.  Hopefully, the same person doesn't own all the websites I checked out.  I love looking things up.  When I was first married my only resource was the library with this wonderful thing called a card catalog that lead to lots of books.  Now, I'm kind of used to putting in a search request.  Look over a half a dozen pages and usually find some fairly decent information if you know how to look it up.  This is why I have a resource page for both books and web pages.  I like to share what I learned.  I have this theory, I can't possibly live long enough to make all the mistakes myself, I hope to learn from someone else and maybe get ahead of the fault line.  If I do make mistakes, I like finding information for a different way to solve a problem.  I think that is one of the benefits of counseling, I was given new information on how to look at living.  I was also blessed with counselors that gave me home work and expected me to make changes.  I joke that counseling is a bit like changing a car engine on the freeway.  Yup, just that complicated and difficult but so worth it. All the web pages on good health remind me I need to sleep.  Good night.

Good night moon. 

Saturday, June 27, 2015

Insomnia Sucks

I am up at 3 AM writing my blog because I can't settle enough to lay down.  Sleep is so not happening.  It sucks.  I do not know why every so often I simply can't relax enough to even consider sleeping.  I know I should.  I could give you a hundred reasons why I should, but here I am, awake. 

Insomnia Sucks.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Pushing limits

I spent a life time accepting limits that would cause me to pass out if I ignored them.  I learned brutally that one more jump could cause a complete collapse.  I learned that sitting quietly for hours on end was my only choice.  Then I started fighting back.  I started raging against the oppressive limitations.  Nothing changed.  I started doing research.  Lots of it.  I spent hours in the library on the very new intranet that connected hospital libraries.  I learned a lot of things that I didn't have and I felt very thankful.  From all my research I felt at a loss what to do with what I learned.  At church someone shared the story about the man with leprosy that was told to bath 7 times in the Jordan river.  He wasn't going to do anything so simple.  Then the servant pointed out if he was asked to do something difficult would he do it?  I started setting seven simple goals. Then I learned from to take baby steps.  Baby stepping my way back into life one tiny goal at a time.  I started my journey back to living 25 years ago.  Today I jumped up stairs 2 at a time after an hour working out stretching and pushing my body in ways I didn't believe possible.  I started seeing my limits as my new goals.  If I could only be up for 20 minutes then the next day be up for 25 minutes.  I accepted back slides and called it chacha.  Like an inch worm, I fixed my eyes on a far goal but paid attention to where I was at.  I accepted my slow creeping pace.  I made progress.  I pushed more limits.  I hiked for miles.  I traversed over 300 stairs.  My motivation was a better picture of the Yellowstone Falls.  The beauty was magnificent.  I pushed past my intense fear of metal stairs that you can see through.  I kept in mind the goal was worth the anxiety.  Too often in my quest to stay in my comfort zone I shorted myself.  But I also learned to respect my body and nurture it.  Sunscreen, water, healthy meals, and sleep made this trip an amazing adventure.  I am pushing limits and seeing how far I have come and looking forward to future possibilities.

How we got to the bottom of the falls.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015


I don't follow Twitter very often.  I happened to open one today for no particular reason but it struck me as just the thing I needed to be reminded.

Dr. Michele Borba

Shows Piglet from Winnie the Pooh sharing this thought:
"The things that make me different are the things that make Me."

On Facebook someone posed the question, "How does your mental illness make you better?" 

Lots of comments about more sensitive to beauty, more compassionate of others, more understanding, and many other things. 

I knew at age 15 that I functioned differently than most people I knew.  When I was over 40, I finally understood how different.  The diagnosis of PTSD gave me a label but didn't change who I was or how I functioned.  The internet led me to a world of people that are different just like me.  How cool is that?  Changing how I functioned did not make me less me.  Learning new skills and new ways to approach life does not lessen my me-ness.  Regaining memories that I shut away still leaves me.  My perception of me was shook to my core.  But through all the years of counseling, gaining new skills, new perspectives and new ways of functioning I am still me.  My mental illness is part of me but doesn't define me.  My childhood trauma is part of my past but also does not define me.  My memories come and go but I am still Me.  In spite of all that happened in my life, I am me. 

Nice to have a reminder from time to time. 

Monday, June 22, 2015

Restorative Sleep

Hectic, hectic week led to running on adrenaline.  Works for awhile then I finally slow down....nap time.  I slept heavily for several hours.  Now, I feel refreshed.  I am making note of this because it is so unusual.  Usually when I crash and burn, I feel drugged and foggy for hours after waking up.  I'm learning the value of sleeping regularly.  When I get super wound up trying to get too many things done, I realize I need to reorder my life and pay attention to my needs.  Cloud and Townsend reminded me in their book Boundaries, one of the values of boundaries is recognizing my own needs.  I needed to sleep so I did.  Interesting that I hadn't thought about setting boundaries as a way to meet my needs by identifying them and meeting my own needs. 

Check out my picture blog to see what I've been doing lately.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Accepting Father's

Father's are flawed, all of them, so is everyone else.  I spent years in counseling talking about my enmeshed twisted relationship with my mother.  Then my counselor pointed out that my Father let it happen.  When I complained to my Father about my mother's behavior he would blow it off with, "That is just the way your mother is, you have to love her."  He failed me.  I've read enough abuse accounts that this is a mild failure, but it is me and my life.  I worked this past year on accepting this is who he is.  He showed me the consequence of living a life with an eye singled to peace at all cost.  I know from his example that it costs everything, your integrity, your compassion, your thoughts of everything accept appeasing the tyrant that is belittling, manipulating, and controlling you.  Did he teach me anything good?  Yes, he did.  Part of acceptance is separating out what was a bad influence on me and what I can freely integrate into my life.  This year I called and wished my Father a happy Father's day.  He chatted about my sister barely listening to me.  Its ok.  I feel no more ache of loss.  This is just the way he is.  I don't have to love him or hate him or anything.  I am working at accepting what he is capable of giving. 

This post is not an invitation to list every fault of every father.  I know some committed crimes that should have been punished by imprisonment.  I know that some people need to go no contact for the health and well being of themselves.  I feel deeply that loss, for it is a loss of "what should have been."