Friday, February 12, 2016

Dread happy

I dread happy.  Really.  Every time I get to a really happy place at work, all hell breaks loose.  I am still reeling from this last blow.  The teacher I worked with was forced to resign because of a glitch with her teacher certificate.  I'm devastated.  She is such an awesome teacher and knows how to reach students.  She lets them create with enough supervision to keep them growing but not so much to stifle their creativity.  I am going to spend this weekend absorbing this new blow.  Sometimes rules make no sense.  This is one of those times.  I'll get my feet back under me to go again.  I am allowing myself to feel very sad. 

Creeping along.

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Child parts

Child parts

This article is fairly similar to my experience living functioning in parts.  I worked hard to integrate all of me back to one whole.  Imperfect whole but still together.  TV makes it sound like the person living this way knows what is happening.  I put myself in the category of last to know.  Friends noticed, children noticed, teachers notice but didn't understand what the behavior meant.  I was called a liar, weird, manipulator, lazy, and all sorts of other things.  For me, life as one of the other parts was a black out to me.  I describe the sensation that I would go to sleep on Monday, wake up on Wednesday and wondered what the hell happened on Tuesday and why I am in trouble for what ever happened.  I was confused, frightened, and questioned my sanity.  Some day I will give a speech that starts out, "Every teenager believes their mother is crazy.  My children have documentation."  Functioning in parts in a dissociative system is a powerful yet complex survival tactic.  I lived through hell this way.  Living day to day is difficult in parts.  Not impossible but difficult.  As my counselor and I discussed my options.  I believed that I wasn't born a multiple, it was learned.  I decided we all came together.  I wanted all of me together.  I originally wanted all the memories too but decided fuzzy was good after a couple of humdinger flash backs.  I know enough to know I wasn't lying but not so much that I can't live with my past.  I wish I could say it stays buried.  It doesn't.  A smell, a sound, a phrase can bring everything crashing down on top of me.  I'm thankful for KavinCoach assisting me as I untangled my gordian knot.  I made the choice not to cut through the knot but to persistently untangle each line until my heart felt whole.  I like Walt Disney's quote, "It is kind of fun to do the impossible."  Integration is not for everyone.  I recommend it but totally understand the complexity of letting go of a powerful coping skill.  I occasionally miss the chatter in my head of myselves talking to each other.  I embrace the joy of peaceful silence with in from time to time.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016


I want to be a lighthouse.  A friend posted an amazing short video of different pictures of lighthouses pounded by waves and storms.  When the water pulls back, there's the lighthouse, solid and unmoved.  Fury, storms, banshee winds and the lighthouse still stands.  A beacon to others that no matter what, somethings don't budge in a crisis.

Lighthouse also brings to mind one of my favorite urban legends.

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.[2]

Yup, I want to be a lighthouse.

Saturday, February 6, 2016

Self harming

One of the darker aspects of abuse survival is self harming.  When I was a teenager no one breathed a word about those that might be harming themselves.  Over the years, with 'Hollywood's Help', this practice came to the attention of general public.  Sometimes those that self harmed were villianized, ridiculed, or portrayed as heartless and lost.  I became more aware of the hazards of self harming as I worked toward integration.  For many years, I dissociated to escape internal pressure.  As I closed off this avenue of escape, my internal distress would hit excruciating levels.  I discovered relief when scratching my own skin.  The pain made what was internal real.  I could look at the marks and see my pain.  Then I reviewed other ways I unconsciously used to self harm.  Not eating when I was hungry, pushing myself when I am exhausted, eating foods that I know make me feel sick.  If anyone realizes that self harming is becoming a part of their life or the life of a loved, please, get professional help.  Someone that understands the outward expression of inward pain. 

Self-harming comes from a deep pain.

Friday, February 5, 2016

Sick sucks

Last week end I was sick.  Today I am sick again.  Allergy season is upon us.  I always swore I didn't have allergies, then DH pointed out I get sick at the same time every year.  Heavy sigh.  I guess not everyone has itchy eyes right now.

Judy posted a meme on Facebook from PTSD Support And Recovery

sometimes i feel like i have my life together and them i'm like 

that was a great 45 seconds.

This sums up my week.  In review, I'm not taking responsibility for someone else's choices.  I am continuing to do what I do know how to do.  I am staying patient with students.  I am having some fun playing Happy Acres on Facebook.  I played to support my daughter-in-law since she is one of the developers now.  I am actually enjoying the challenges of planning, saving, and creating food.  My place is a bit messy but I don't think that will change over time.  

Starts tomorrow.  Woohoo. 

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

All Fall Down

I was getting on my feet.  I was feeling good about where I was headed.  I was prepared to move forward.  News today, knocked me to my knees again.  May as well stay here and say prayers.  Blessedly, my sister was able to visit with me today and I feel little less overwhelmed.  Tomorrow, I will find out if I am still working a month from now.  I'm sad, bewildered, frustrated and angry.  I am watching a tsunami come in and can't do a thing about it.  Must swim faster....wait.....this is a freaking desert.