Thursday, July 28, 2016

Letting go

Judy gave me a heads up to look for a video from Hope for the broken hearted....I found it tonight.

The words change a bit fast when I want to think over her perspective.  Used the pause button to slow it down.  I hadn't thought of letting go in this way.  It is giving me many things to think about. Some I am already doing. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Shares my opinion

I am working on my health at any size concept.  My doctor gave me a list of suggestions to try.  This morning I was checking my Facebook and someone brought my attention to an article by Dan Pearce, Single Dad Laughing.  I loved it. 
If you have a few minutes, it is not very long, you can get his perspective on weight loss and the scales.

It was fun reading an article that I felt like standing up and cheering.  I am home alone and probably could do that.  Yes, I still have my tyrannical scale upstairs.  I want to throw it away but I am afraid that the World will tilt or the planets slip out of orbit if I do.  A while back I lost 30 lbs....did I rejoice? NO.  I whined and complained that I hadn't lost 50 lbs.  I also became very critical of anyone that dared to eat dessert in front of me.  'Why are they eating that? They need to be losing weight.  With a little bit of effort....' and the negative messages ricocheted all over my mind.  Fortunately, most of the time I kept my mouth shut so those soul destroying words wouldn't hurt anyone else.  People became afraid to eat anything around me because I would stare intently at their food and woe be tide if they didn't eat every bit.  Seriously messed up.  I joked that I became a 'mean-skinny.'  The term Fat and happy has a lot more meaning to me.  Of course, when I went back to eating without worrying about calories I gained 40 lbs.  Heavy sigh.  New attempt.  I care about my health.  I want to choose healthy.  I can be healthy as possible at any size.  Maybe next year, I'll throw away the scales....earthquakes anyone?

Me on a diet.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Days of peace

I spent most of this past month resting.  Days of peace, slowing down, and finally getting a new doctor.  Last year my doctor I had for 20 years decided to retire.  I am happy for her and sad for me.  Finding some stranger to tell all my secrets like how much I weigh and having her poke and touch me is difficult.  She is a nice lady.  Much younger than me so maybe I can keep her another 20 years.  She asked me to eat fish three times a week.  I looked at her and said, "No, fish belong in a tank."  So I found liquid fish oil and spent about $100 on food choices and supplements to help balance out my cholesterol and blood sugar.  I'll do it for three months then go back to check my progress.  Frustrating thing about natural changes instead of drugs, insurance doesn't cover over the counter supplements and healthy food.  Some of the changes I know I should do them. was my go to program that helped me loose 30 lbs.  Problem was it didn't help me with my attitude.  I need an attitude adjustment to make my life changes and have them stick.  I need to change the concept that I need a cookie after doing something difficult.  I need to change my food reward system.  So far, a whole two days I am seeing some success but not a lot.  Changing how I functioned for years is slow going.  My habits are deep ruts.  Tough to write this.....I need to go eat a cookie. 

Sunday, July 24, 2016

Time passes quickly

This summer was a summer of rest.  I am feeling so much more relaxed.  I am thankful that I am able to take summers off.  The summer started with a grand adventure and then weeks of mostly staying home.  One more week and I head back to school.  I don't know where I will be assigned, I'm OK with that. 
Sometimes I wish time would slow down a bit. 

Tuesday, July 19, 2016


My husband became interested in watching a TV series called Alone.  About 15 people were placed alone along the Vancouver Island northern coast.  Their job was to survive alone.  The one that lasted longest would get $100,000.  I watched some of the last episodes with him.  I was interested in how each person was choosing to spend their time.  The man who had purpose of helping his kids with college lasted the longest.  Determination and focus on that purpose helped him hold out for almost 2 months.  I realize that one of the key pieces of thriving is having a purpose beyond simple survival.  Maslow's pyramid ( of needs places purpose near the top one of the last things to be actualized.  He didn't think about the fact that some people will suffer great discomfort for a higher purpose.  I joke that for extreme survival I stood that pyramid on its head. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

Summer Hibernation

I am home for the summer since my job as a teacher assistant follows the school year.  I spent most of June on the road with my daughter and her two kids.  We had a blast visiting and talking for 3 weeks.  Now I am home.  I leave the house as little as possible.  I have to make scheduled appointments with people so I will leave the house.  I am not doing much at home either.  It is like I've gone into summer hibernation.  Storing up energy and quiet time before the onslaught of school again.  I know myself.  If I stayed home, I would isolate myself more and more.  I have to work at staying engaged with people.  It is super easy for one day to slip into another without wandering very far.  I am learning more about being an introvert.  Many of the behaviors of an introvert I assigned to PTSD.  Now I am sorting out which is which.  One TED talk explained that introverts are affected how they perceive the World and interact with people.  I need alone time.  I need to sit quietly interacting with no one.  The TV may be on for noise but I want to be alone a lot.  But I also enjoy visiting with my sister when she comes to visit and DH when he gets home.  Then I want to be alone again.  It is like I can't get enough of being a lone and I don't feel lonely.  Still sorting how this all works.  Integration quieted the voices in my head.  I still feel complete but the constant chaos is quiet.  Hmmm I haven't thought about this in this way. 

Today I went to visit some of my grandchildren and their mom.  I had a lovely morning.  I enjoyed our time together.  Now, I am here with my computer sitting quietly.  TV is yammering on but I have no idea what is happening in the show.  I'm ok with that.  Maybe I just need down time.  Not sure.