Sunday, August 30, 2015

Sabbath day

Today is my sabbath day.  I spend time at church.  I spend time with family.  I spend time pondering my relationship with my Heavenly Father.  I review how well I am following the footsteps of my Savior, Jesus Christ.  Sometimes I sleep.  Yup.  Resting on Sunday is catch up time.  At one point in my life I worked every Saturday, so that I could attend church on Sunday.  I had a co-worker that wanted Saturday off for her Jewish Sabbath.  We traded.  I worked all her Saturdays and she worked all my Sundays.  We both knew that a day to reset our minds and be right with the Lord was needed.  The world is busy all the time.  Time to reflect is frowned up as wasting time.  Time to serve as seen as silly and old fashion.  What I learned over the years that I needed to decide for myself how the Sabbath needed to be spent.  When used wisely it works as a reset button.  Ready to face another week.  Ignored and I feel like the week is endless.  One of the things that I value is time to remember that my worries are not the center of my universe.  Centering my life in Christ doesn't change my problems, it changes my perspective about my problems.  It makes a difference for me. 

Friday, August 28, 2015

Mother May I.....

Ooops you forgot to say Mother May I.....go back to the beginning....

That game drove me crazy but it reminds me of my on going battle with my health problems.  This past week I came home and collapsed 5 out of 7 days.  It just sucks.  Sleep is less than 3 hours a night.  I don't give a sh** is creeping into my attitude.  I know this spiral downward well.  If you ever played shoots and ladders it is like getting near the top then landing on the BIG slide down to almost the bottom.  Heavy sigh.  Evaluate each thing in my life.  What am I doing differently?  What am I doing the same as when I hit rock bottom before?  Oh wow, I am feeling helpless, overwhelmed and trapped.  Source?  I believe it is the changes at my job.  I purposely chose a job that I considered low stress.  After doing computer tech work for 15 years almost anything is lower in stress.  I've been doing my job for 5 years now.  What is different now that wasn't there before?  I hate routine yet I need routine to function.  My routine was severely shook up.  The changes are interesting and doable but that nagging feeling of becoming a doormat instead of a respected person crept in.  Who controls that feeling?  Me.  What can I do to take back that sense of 'I know who I am'?  First, I job hunted.  Found another job suitable and rejected it.  Yup.  I really do want to stay where I am.  What do I need to do to be less stressed where I am?  This is what my counselor used to do with me every week.  A relentless discussion and questioning of where I am at, what seems to be affecting me, and what can I do about it.  Sadly, one of the most devastating long lasting affects of childhood abuse is feeling helpless.  When I fall down the rabbit hole of helplessness it is like I am a little child again terrorized by adults with no hope or solution.  I am an adult now.  Challenges are just challenges until I give them power over me.  I retain the power when I look for solutions that work for me.  Someone else offering well meaning advice is rarely helpful.  Someone letting me bounce ideas off of them without judgement and without trying to fix me works wonders.  Times like this I miss my counselor.  Times like this I am thankful that my counselor taught me the process....
1. Identify the emotion
2. Identify the source
3. Define the situation
4. Review what I already know
5. Come up with a plan of action
6. Test the plan of action
7. Give myself time for the change to work (too often I give up too easily)
8. Evaluate progress
9. Adjust the plan
I was blessed with a counselor that believed strongly that his job was to work himself out of a job.  I needed to learn to be independent and able to make self corrections that lead to healthy living.  I was very fortunate in the counselor God prepared for me.  Yes, I do believe that Heavenly Father encourages people to be each others answers to a prayer. 

Thursday, August 27, 2015

8 signs

Thanks Judy,
I appreciate you sharing this on your blog.

I am reading through these and recognizing that I am slipping into some of these.  I tend to use passive-agressive behavior when I am cornered or feel like I can't truly say what I feel.  Other times it is free falling backwards into unhealthy habits of hiding from others behind an invisible barbed wire fence. 

Check yourself - how are you doing?

1."Are you nuts?"  I've used questions to manipulate and put down am I doing now?  In my quest for truth I am trying to avoid this kind of behavior.  If I disagree, then I disagree without using manipulative questions. 

2.  Wishing in front of someone else hoping they will get it for me.  I recognize this better when someone wishes that they could get everything done with the hope I will volunteer to take some of their load.  Again the truth campaign encourages me to state what I want without guilting or manipulating the other person.

3. I was raised with these.  I was terrified of compliments because I was always looking for the 'kick' at the end.  My counselor taught me how to give a compliment, it was part of my truth campaign, to state clearly what I appreciate or think the other person as done well. 

4.  Silent treatment from me may mean I never heard them in the first place.  I am sometimes accused of passive-agressive ignoring of the other person.  Being deaf complicates this one.  Again I believe my truth campaign encourages me to say honestly, "I am not in a place that I can have this discussion right now...."  True somethings I will never be in a place to discuss somethings. 

5.  I hadn't thought of procrastination as passive-aggressive behavior.  I need to do a reality check on this one.  I think mine may bounce. 

6.  I was left out often.  I don't like it.  I tend to include people that might not want to be included and feel baffled that they don't all want to be involved.  I come at this one as being the one left out. 

7.  I've been on the receiving end of this one, repeatedly.  I need to figure out how to protect myself from someone sabotaging me.  Not everyone that smiles at you are your friends. 

8. Keeping score and the one-up-on-you game.  This is a constant battle not to slip into these.  I remind myself when I give a gift it is about the pleasure of giving not hoping to get something in return.  Again, my truth campaign keeps me real. 

I am making progress on most of these.  Some I need to look at my behavior again.  Did my reality check bounce on these today? 

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

I can be flexible without being invisible

Every school year I choose a motto to keep myself motivated to improving my self on my job.  I've worked at the same school for 5 years and every year my life is different.  This year my motto will be:

I can be flexible without being invisible.

When I grew up as a kid, I became so bendy and flexible that I had no backbone and no consistent identity.  My goal is to cope with a constantly changing environment and stay constant with my integrity to myself.  This is new territory for me.  I could blend into any environment but I disappeared as an individual person.  Along with my choice to be flexible, I am adding that the other person's behavior does not control my response.  When needed, I will set boundaries for people that don't respect me.  This is a work in progress and I am making mistakes but that is ok.  I reevaluate progress, make adjustments and go again.  Right now I am working in 3 and possibly 4 different programs.  My day is so heavily scheduled that I am exhausted when I get home.  I am looking at what I do during the day to see where the energy leaks exist....high stress environments, unreasonable expectations by myself and others, and taking on responsibilities that are not mine.  I will remain flexible but hunt down and alter my thinking about my emotional drains.  Some I need to change my perspective.  Others I will simply accept. I remind myself that I am no longer in abusive situations.  I can choose healthy ways to adjust my schedule so that I don't feel balanced. 

Blessed are they flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.

“Be gifted with wise flexibility.”
Angelica Hopes, Landscapes of a Heart, Whispers of a Soul


Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Drawing a blank

Sometimes when I sit down to write I draw a blank.....nothing seems right to say.  Cool stuff happened with our son and his family came to visit.  At church, I had an opportunity to share how I feel about the Holy Ghost, he's awesome.  Life is settling into a routine sort of.  At least as much of a routine as I can tolerate.  Routines truly are helpful but growing up with routines used to push you harder and harder like whipping a overloaded donkey; my emotional hangups are massive about routines, however, routines truly help.  I tried writing them down.....what a disaster.  I promptly stopped doing anything on my routine list.  Sad to be so rebellious against something that could truly help me cope.  Part of my frustration is I get a routine going them something happens that throws off the routine.  I self sabotage so someone else can't screw up my routine.  How silly is that?  I know routines are helpful.  I know how to write them.  I know I could set them up on spread sheets so they don't emotionally effect me.  Then I refuse to do them.  So I guess I'm affected at a subconscious level, hard to know.  Maybe I'm more like my pictures than I thought.....

Some how writing routines marks my bacterial mats...

Saturday, August 22, 2015


I found this on Facebook and thought it worth sharing.

There was a boy by the name of Steve who was
attending school in Utah.In this school Seminary classes are held during
school hours. Brother Christianson taught Seminary at this particular school. He had an open-door policy and would take in any student that had been thrown out of another class as long as they would abide by his rules. Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other teacher wanted him, so he went into
Brother Christianson's Seminary class.
Steve was told that he could not be late, so
he arrived just seconds before the bell rang and he would sit in the very back of the room. He would also be the first to leave after the class was over.
One day, Brother Christianson asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk with him. After class, Bro. Christianson pulled Steve aside and said, "You think you're pretty tough, don't you?"
Steve's answer was, "Yeah, I do."
Then Brother Christianson asked, "How many push-ups can you do?"
Steve said, "I do about 200 every night."
"200? That's pretty good, Steve," Brother
Christianson said. "Do you think you could do 300?"
Steve replied, "I don't know... I've never done 300 at a time."
"Do you think you could?" Again asked Brother
"Well, I can try," said Steve.
"Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I need you to
do 300 in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do
it? I need you to tell me you can do it," Brother
Christianson said. Steve said, "Well... I think I
can... yeah, I can do it."
Brother Christianson said, "Good! I need you
to do this on Friday."
Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in
the front of the room. When class started, Brother
Christianson pulled out a big box of donuts.
Now these weren't the normal kinds of donuts,
they were the extra fancy BIG kind, with cream
centers and frosting swirls. Everyone was pretty excited - it was Friday, the last class of the day, and they were going to get an early start on the weekend.
Bro. Christianson went to the first girl in the
first row and asked, "Cynthia, do you want a donut?"
Cynthia said, "Yes."
Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten push-ups so that Cynthia can have a donut?"
Steve said, "Sure," and jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk.
Bro. Christianson put a donut on Cynthia's desk.
Bro. Christianson then went to Joe, the next person, and asked, "Joe do you want a donut?"
Joe said, "Yes." Bro. Christianson asked, "Steve
would you do ten push-ups so Joe can have a donut?" Steve did ten push-ups, Joe got a donut.
And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten
pushups for every person before they got their
And down the second aisle, till Bro. Christianson came to Scott.
Scott was captain of the football team and center of the basketball team. He was very popular and never
lacking for female companionship. When Bro.
Christianson asked, "Scott do you want a donut?"
Scott's reply was, "Well, can I do my own pushups?"
Bro. Christianson said, "No, Steve has to do them."
Then Scott said, "Well, I don't want one then."
Bro. Christianson then turned to Steve and asked, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn't want?"
Steve started to do ten pushups. Scott said, "HEY!
I said I didn't want one!"
Bro. Christianson said, "Look, this is my classroom, my class, my desks, and my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don't want it." And he put a donut on Scott's desk.
Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to be getting up and down. You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around his brow. Bro. Christianson started down the third row. Now the students were beginning to get a little angry.
Bro. Christianson asked Jenny, "Jenny, do you want a donut?"
Jenny said, "No."
Then Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve,would you do ten pushups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn't want?" Steve did ten, Jenny got a donut.
By now, the students were beginning to say "No" and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve was also having to really put forth a lot of effort to get these pushups done for each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face, his arms and brow were beginning to get
red because of the physical effort involved.
Bro. Christianson asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he did ten pushups in a set because he couldn't bear to watch all of Steve's work for all of those uneaten donuts. So Robert began to watch Steve closely. Bro. Christianson started down the fourth row.
During his class, however, some students had
wandered in and sat along the heaters along the sides of the room. When Bro. Christianson realized this; he did a quick count and saw 34 students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it.
Bro. Christianson went on to the next person and the next and the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set.
Steve asked Bro. Christianson, "Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?"
Bro. Christianson thought for a moment, "Well,
they're your pushups. You can do them any way that you want."
And Bro. Christianson went on.A few moments later, Jason came to the room and was
about to come in when all the students yelled, "NO! Don't come in! Stay out!"
Jason didn't know what was going on. Steve picked up his head and said, "No, let him come."
Bro. Christianson said, "You realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten pushups for him."
Steve said, "Yes, let him come in."
Bro. Christianson said, "Okay, I'll let you get
Jason's out of the way right now. Jason, do you
want a donut?"
"Steve, will you do ten pushups so that Jason
can have a donut?" Steve did ten pushups very slowly and with great effort. Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down.
Bro. Christianson finished the fourth row, then
started on those seated on the heaters. Steve's
arms were now shaking with each pushup in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. Sweat was dropping off of his face and, by this time, there was not a dry eye in the room.
The very last two girls in the room were
cheerleaders and very popular. Bro. Christianson went to Linda, the second to last, and asked, "Linda, do you want a doughnut?
Linda said, very sadly, "No, thank you."
Bro. Christianson asked Steve, "Steve, would you do ten pushups so that Linda can have a donut she doesn't want?"
Grunting from the effort, Steve did ten very slow
pushups for Linda. Then Bro. Christianson turned to the last girl, Susan. "Susan, do you want a donut?"
Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked,
"Bro. Christianson , can I help him?"
Bro. Christianson, with tears of his own, said, "No, he has to do it alone, Steve, would you do ten pushups so Susan can have a donut?"
As Steve very slowly finished his last pushup, with the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required of him, having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor.
Brother Christianson turned to the room and
said. "And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, plead to the Father, "Into thy hands I commend my spirit." With the understanding that He had done everything that was required of Him, he collapsed on the cross and died. And like some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the desk, uneaten.