Friday, April 17, 2015

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Anger Center stage

In the space of 15 minutes I read three radically different posts on Anger.  Anger is a destructive force....Scott Williams calls it orgasmic ...its seductive power sucks people in.....then you meet a person that invades your boundaries....anger is the only answer some people will listen to.  If you talk in reasonable tones they will totally ignore you and your concern....only anger gets through their thick wall of self absorption.  I was raised in a home ruled by anger and passive aggressive quiet anger.  I didn't do much better raising my kids.  I buried my anger under layers and layers of dissociation.  The monster in the living room.  A few points I learned about anger.

1.  Dissociation buries anger without processing.....when you discover it again it is as fresh as when it was buried.

2.  Anger is a secondary emotion.....Fear, hurt or frustration came first.  Look for the source to resolve my anger. 

3.  When I feel anger, many times it is the warning that someone is violating my boundaries.  (I'm kind of clueless to the earlier signs.)

4.  Anger is affective in short term situation.

5.  Some people will listen to nothing else.  Reasonable tones bounce off some people.  Anger is the tone that says, "YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME."

6.  Anger can function like a thrumming dynamo to fuel accomplishing some tasks.  (Cleaning house in a rage gets me through more work than I can accomplish without it.)

7.  Anger is as destructive to me as to the person I direct it to...sometimes more so.

Anger was the avenue my first counselor used to pry out my secrets.  He would say things to provoke an angry response from me.  He was astounded at how completely I could dissociate so that anger vanished within seconds.  I still struggle with feelings of anger.  It is hard to sit with those emotions. 

Anger is brooding

Doesn't play well with others

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Web page on Child abuse

Information is available if you know where to look on the signs and symptoms of child abuse.  The hardest thing for me to accept in my counseling is understanding how severely abusive my childhood was.  I wanted the fairy tale, "We went to the park, we went to the zoo."  For years, I was told it wasn't intentional.  It was even more difficult to accept that this also was a lie.  I was devastated.  The greatest burden of all is knowing I passed on some to my children....out of not knowing how to parent, my own lack of self care, and other factors.  Generational abuse is difficult to detect when it is all you know.  I made mistakes, big ones.  Changing now sometimes feels like too little, too late.  Knowledge is the doorway to making changes in your life either healing or preventing child abuse. 

The images are disturbing or triggering for some people.  The article is fairly long.

They state that the earlier a child gets help the better off they are.  That is true, however, it is never too late to seek help.  Self care is not selfish, it is a healthy choice. 

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Lack of interest

One of the symptoms of depression is a lack of interest.  I didn't think I ever lacked interest.  I am very curious.  I fell under the category of engineer because I do like pulling things apart and seeing how they work.  I also like fixing broken things.  I love teaching people how to use their computer.  I am interested in so many things.  Well, the dark blanket of depression has slowly lifted over the years.  This month I renewed my interest in crocheting, planted a garden, teaching someone computers, learning to cook....yup, I've done more in a month than I used to do in a year.  I didn't know how intensely curious I am, until the depression started to recede.  It is difficult to be true to myself when I don't know who I am.  I am very excited about the things I am doing.  The crocheting I started to stress out so I made an ugly scarf....yea, I probably couldn't give it away but it gave me a chance to review stitches.  I am astounded at how many webpages and videos are available for free.  I am also learning about cooking, I didn't know that there are 5 mother sauces.  Once I read about them I realized I used all except one.  I never attempted to make my own Hollandaise sauce.  I also ate a yummy dinner with DH that I fixed on Sunday so only needed to heat up today and dinner was ready in 15 minutes.  I didn't realize until now how much depression took a bite out of my curiosity.  Sometimes you got ta come out of the trees to see the forest. 

Monday, April 13, 2015

Get out of my head

One of the statements that totally irritated me was when DH told me to not let my mother get into my head.  AAAAAHHHHHgggggg.....he didn't explain how to do this.  It involves boundaries, taking back my power and perspective.  An awesome combination when you know how to use it. Goes along with the this one:

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Eleanor Roosevelt
These are thrown out there with abuse survivors having no idea how to stop this from happening.  How do you get someone out of your head?  How do you stop a person from making you feel inferior?  
I believe there are several steps involved.  First, you need to know who you are.  A child abused from a young age defines themselves by their abusers standards, inferior, defective, dumb, not worth protecting, foolish, all the ugly derogatory things that abusers use to emotional destroy a person.  Second, a person needs to understand boundaries.  If I am to keep someone out of some place I need to know what boundaries are mine to maintain.  Many of my sessions revolved around boundaries.  In the process I learned to keep my abusers out of my head.  I am still working on this process.  Mostly the third thing is recognizing that the line between inferior and superior is always drawn by the one that is attacking.  I had to recognize that when someone is attempting to make me feel inferior they are an enemy and I am responsible for defending myself.  I am a work in progress.  I am learning that someone's opinion is not fact.  I am learning that their perception is just that, their perception.  I can agree or disagree.  I am learning that some people depend on putting other people down in a lame attempt to make themselves be bigger.  I learned that truly strong people have no need to make anyone else feel inferior.  
Sometimes you need to build a fence and lock some people out. 

Saturday, April 11, 2015

The real healer

On Sundays, I try to share a bit of my belief that Christ is the True Healer.  I worked with a counselor that had lots of letters after his name.  Fortunately for me, his faith was similar to mine.  We talked often about the important role Jesus Christ has in the healing process.  Christ's night in Gethsemane and Resurrection changed everything.  I know that many survivors list religion as one of the things they hate most because how it was used to side with the abuser.  I know because it happened to me.  Pious Hippocrates using scriptural references to manipulate and distort truth makes it difficult to embrace any religion.  However, from a young age I felt a connection to Christ.  I once described it as an unbreakable thread that bound me to Him.  It kept me from flying out of control because I believed in Christ.  I felt much like the woman with an issue of blood for years that audaciously touched the hem of Christ coat.  Christ was immediately aware of the women in the crowded streets, he felt her faith.  Christ revealed his mission to the woman at the well.  The first person that saw the resurrected Christ was a woman.  Many of his miracles were about healing people both body and spirit.  He encouraged, invited, and led the way.  I am thankful for many others sharing their beliefs and views that lift and encourage.  Photographers, Corrie TenBoom, ministers, friends and sister share different up lifting thoughts and encouragement.  All these help.  For me, Christ found me when I was lost and helped to lead me to healing and happiness. 

Hope For The Broken Hearted (Check this out on Facebook)

This is why this ministry exists... to share the hope I found through many trials, illnesses, grief, pain and loss. Jesus is our healer, comforter, and deliverer and our hope.I want to share His comfort and encourage you that He can heal you as well! You may feel like your heart will never heal. You may feel like you have no hope or future and that your life is over, but those are just feelings and God is bigger than anything we think feel, or face. He promises to be near to the brokenhearted and to bind up their wounds. He is faithful and His promises are true and they are for yesterday, today and forever. Cry out to Him, He is as close as a breath away. He sees your tears and hears your cries and He will never leave your side! You will get through all that you are facing with His help!