Saturday, February 9, 2019


Google + failed....people didn't use it enough so all things attached to Google + are going away.  Who says you can't make things go away from the Internet?  Ever gone back to an old post and followed an old connection only to find it gone?  Nothing but an error message and some kind of note blaming you for its nonexistence.  You didn't type it right or something else when you knew that link worked before.  Well if you used Google + it is going the way of the Dodo bird.  Not all social media works.  In fact, several groups of people are encouraging people to get off social media all together.  I agree sort of.  I notice kids totally ignored by parents because they are so absorbed by the little hand held computer called a phone that is used for almost anything accept being a phone.  Hacking the brain is a billion dollar business getting us more hooked to being online than in real time.  Well for me, online is real time.  My kids post keep me current on what the grandkids are doing.  Online are my friends, my tribe, people like me that always felt like outsiders finally found someone that understands the pain, frustration and adventure in healing.  Real life people are afraid to talk to each other.  Online they can babble, rave, or unleash the torrent of words that some how fail to pass our lips.  Or if we do say something we are shut down by those that just don't want to hear it. I am in a several Facebook groups we talk art, PTSD/CPTSD, photography, and other topics that people around me get bored talking about.  In a couple of groups there are over 10,000 people talking about the same thing from their own perspective. I've made friends online.  I worry if they drop off the grid.  I feel sad when they no longer want to connect online.  But each person needs to find their own balance.  I am thankful for this space to share my growing process.  I am thankful for comments and suggestions I received along the way.  I hope to be here for a long time but I understand that if Google doesn't make enough money, this could go away too.  Plus I am morphing myself and not sure where I want to go with writing.  My past is less and less important.  Functioning as a multiple was useful and helped me survive but I am now very used to working as a singleton and my interests are growing to crochet, pour painting, creating sewing projects to serve other, and a wide variety of other things that was lost in my effort to survive.  Thriving is a growing expansion of my horizons.  Thank you to those that are traveling along with me by reading my posts.  I think this space will grow and change too.  I think in the future I need somewhere to share that life is really quite amazing in so many ways.  In my 30's I felt so isolated and alone.  Now, there is a World of people that stop by and read a bit.  Thank you.

Saturday, January 26, 2019

Grey Rock method

Grey (or Gray) rock method of dealing with narcissistic people. 

I heard about this on Facebook on a post for one of the CPTSD groups I joined.  I wanted to know exactly what they meant.  In my mind, I thought it was similar to dissociation...after watching this video I now know that it is not.  Dissociation is a splitting off of emotions.  Where as grey rock is a deliberate choice in how to treat another human being for my optimum goal of them deciding to leave me alone.  I like that grey rock is my choice, my decision of how I am going to behave in a toxic situation.  A narcissistic personality is looking for the buzz of drama and excitement of confrontation.  Take that away, they will go looking somewhere else to meet their needs.  What I thought was interesting that he pointed out that the change needs to be gradual, otherwise the interpret the sudden change as drama.  Slowly withdrawing and giving them less and less of what they need, my emotional reaction.

Sunday, January 20, 2019

High Stress

These past two months I reached a new level of high stress.  DH (Darling Husband) injured his back in the first week of December.  Now he is having treatments, then we wait if they work.  Tomorrow is round two.  We are praying that this works the rest of what needs done.  He improved a lot, and I mean a lot, with the first treatment but it is not enough for him to be back to work.  I am thankful for short term disability.  We are praying that it will stay short term. 

Things that are helping me cope.  Prayer.  Give the battle to God.  Keep busy.  Create art.  Do most of the things we normally do.  I'm not used to having all this time without time for me to be alone and work on my own projects.  Most of my art, sewing, and other projects are things I do alone because I am mostly alone when he goes to work.  I learned to enjoy my own company.  I am struggling with boundaries being busted by a new need to watch to make sure he doesn't do too much.  Not an easy task.  He is used to work hard and long. 

One of the challenges of counseling is to take what I learn and actually use it in my life.  I am noticing that I do this sometime.  This week I opened up and actually talked about some of the stress I am feeling.  It didn't change anything but I felt less internal pressure.  I guess the reason venting is called venting is because stress steam is released.  And it works.

Prayers, positive vibes appreciated as we go for the next round.  Reminding myself we don't always get what we wish for but we can readjust and cope with what is next.  What ever next is. 

Tuesday, January 8, 2019

Jumping in with both feet

I decided to try new things and bought myself a painting kit to learn to paint with Bob Ross.  He makes happy trees and pretty birds from blobs that land on the canvas.  I set my goal to take more far not so good.  I am meeting other challenges.  DH (Darling Husband) hurt his back back at the first of December.  Our focus was getting the care he needed to heal.  Out of work is tough on him.  I am sewing and helping others.  That feels good.  I am working on writing more, reading more blogs and sharing on Facebook things that are beautiful or thought provoking.  Today I talked to students about what they need to be to become computer techs some of the tips I offered:

Ask questions
Learn how to work with angry people
Strengthen your integrity
Learn from others
Be compassionate when helping others
Be prepared to be may not be your fault but you will be blamed.
Shift that blame to the really is the computer's fault and you won't hurt the computers feelings by blaming the computer.

I talked for about 45 minutes.  I was open, honest, and down to Earth about the challenges of working in the computer industry.  Now that I think about it, I worked hard for 14 years trying to bring order out of the chaos generated by computers that misbehave.  I am not backing down from the challenge to grow in 2019.

Inching along

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Happy New Year

I am delighted to have 2018 officially done.  I am not going to was one tough year.  Began and ended with a death in the family and my reaction was so completely different.  Lots and lots of tough stuff.  There was good stuff too.  It is like the teacher that wrote on the board....

The big hard stuff dominated my thoughts and feelings.  Several life changing experiences hit me this year.  I am viewing everything differently due to those experiences.  That's what makes them life changing experiences.  So far several people wished me and everyone else on Facebook a peaceful, stress free year.  This is my theory.  If my life is peaceful and stress free....I'm not trying enough new things.  I'm not putting myself out their to experiment and grow.  I am hoping for each of you and myself a year of growth and over coming challenges and finding better ways to live and spread joy to others.  Kindness is free, distribute liberally.  A smile takes fewer muscles than a frown...use that often too.  This year I challenged myself to take more photographs, learn to paint and work on being more open with other people besides online.  I like online because it has the natural barrier of no real contact except comments.  Talking to people and I can see their reactions is a whole lot scarier for me.  I hope this year is one of strength and growth and becoming my best self.  I hope the same for you too. 

Friday, December 28, 2018

Learn from Others

I discovered that I can learn from others and their challenges....

Sometimes there is less than friendly rivalry between those with PTSD from combat experiences and those that live with CPTSD from long term repeated trauma.  However, the thing is we can learn a lot from each other.  I am thankful for the article that encouraged me to try martial arts.  I blew it off as something for the military.  The Lord kindly nudged me and reminded me He sent an answer why not try it?  I did.  Karate with our city parks and recreation.  I was unprepared for being asked why I was taking the class.  I answered totally honestly that I had PTSD and it was recommended to try some form of martial arts.  I am now 4 years doing martial arts and love it.  I am a purple stripe in Chinese Kempo and signed up again for next year.  I learned from karate that I can control my body and I can do really hard stuff.  I also learned that in this environment this is no failure, only do it again.  Keep on doing it until I can.  Exploring and learning what works for me takes me to places I never been doing things I've never done before.  Karate, pour painting, photography, crocheting, and a bunch of other stuff.  My theory is if life is easy, I haven't tried anything new lately.