Thursday, November 26, 2015

Had a Happy Thanksgiving

A day to celebrate family, friendship and survival.  I had a wonderful Thanksgiving.  It wasn't perfect.  It didn't need to be.  Wonderful food wonderful family. With a wonderful day behind me I need to remind myself that recovery time is crucial.  Either I do this voluntarily or my body decides for me.  Good night. 

Tranquil moment

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

Changing how I viewed myself

The one of the most difficult things I did during counseling was change how I viewed myself.  Setting boundaries I had to learn that I deserved to have healthy boundaries.  Holidays I had to learn to I deserved to have a joyful holiday.  Early in my counseling I told KavinCoach that I felt like I had a target on my back that said 'kick here.'  He replied, 'You do.'  He then went on to explain that how I walked, how I responded to people, how I viewed myself all shouted to every predator "Here's a sitting duck waiting to be abused."  I had to changed everything about myself. He started with teaching me how I viewed myself and all the rest followed.  Karate is helping me with the transformation.  I'm thankful for teachers that showed me how to take off the 'kick here' sign.

Nobody likes it when the boundaries change. “They” didn’t like it when I started asking for mutual respect~ why would they?? I had always put up with mal treatment before. I wasn’t asking for the moon, I was just asking for mutual relationship. Everyone was accustomed to me jumping through ALL the hoops, everyone saw my mother and my in-laws push me around, saw me cater to my husband, saw me put myself last and without my realizing it I showed everyone what I would accept. It is understandable that it took a while for me to change the way that I had communicated all those years. But it has paid off. Darlene Ouimet ~Author ~Emerging from Broken the Beginning of Hope for Emotional Healing

Sunday, November 22, 2015


 *****Warning this may be triggering for some people.  If you don't want to hear a lot of heavy stuff, read something else today.  *****

I love meme's.  They are like the posters on my wall when I was a kid growing up.  Short thoughts that can pack a lot of meaning into a few words.  One of the ones that hits the top of my list as memorable and funny in a twisted way:

I can't please everyone but pissing them all off is easy.

I noticed a few months back an increase of criticism of those that expressed their religious views.  I noticed that I backed off on some of the things I was writing.  I lost some readers.  I wondered if I wanted to continue.  Then I realized I was in a spiraling down depression.  I was overwhelmed and sad.  I saw people suffering around me but I don't have enough resources to help them all.  I see homeless people on the corners on my drive to work.  I hear on the news the plight of thousands of Syrians which is a drop in the bucket of the millions that are displaced.  Yet not a peep on the news about the Christians that are being brutalized and murdered. The world seems to be racing towards the insanity that gripped the world for two world wars.  It would be wonderful that the whole world got along.  It doesn't.  One person posted that there would be no terrorist if people were educated.   I know from first hand experienced that there are those that are bright, intelligent, well educated that chose to hurt and destroy others.  Terrorist are not stupid or uneducated.  They choose to insight fear, create chaos, and hurt as many people as possible.  Their destruction does not consider anyone innocent....all are in the cross-hairs of violent people bent on forwarding their agenda of hatred.  Then my sister reminds me that we turn the problems over to God.  That we do what we can with the resources we have.  We are prepared for this moment in time for our purpose.  She reminded me that God is with us.  I reminded her that God does the impossible.  On God's team you are asked to walk in the bottom of the sea while the water is towering above.  He asks you to stand in your place with 300 others while the fight rages around you.  In the dark of the storm, He asks you to walk on water.  I keep that picture in my sewing room of Peter walking towards Christ and he starts to sink.  Am I prepared to get out of the comfort of the boat?  Will I take on the challenge of changing impossible to I'm possible?  I don't know the answers.  Tomorrow I pack two lunches, one for me and one to give away where ever it might be needed. 

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Thanks Judy

My sister is a blessing to me.  I forget how far I've come she reminds me.  I feel isolated and she reminds me I'm not alone.  I feel frustrated with things that are hard to explain, with her, I only need to say the minimum because she gets the rest.  I am thankful my sister was sent to our family because I doubt we would have met any other way.  She is amazing example to me.  She finishes books, prays, and gets me out exercising.  I'm thankful for my sister.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

The "Season"

It comes every year.  The irony is I love the holidays.  But along with the joy and fun comes a dark encompassing gloom.  A daily struggle to see the world in its bright beautiful colors.  Sorrow weeps at the edges of the days.  Every day I promise that this year I won't sink into depression and every day I fail a little.  Seasonal depression isn't just not enough sunshine.  It is the time when every group and organization wants to do something.  One year a group asked me what they should do for a December meeting.  I answered, "Tell everyone you love them and stay home."  That was not the answer they wanted to hear.  I look forward to the fun stuff but I feel tired and constantly battling the demons that suck the joy out of cool stuff.  My counselor noticed how year after year come October my struggles were a little steeper.  My sessions more intense.  My life more muddled.  I truly wish I could be different.  Maybe I will, someday. 

Friday, November 13, 2015

All in

This week I had an interesting learning experience during my karate class.  I am learning a ground defense where I do a somersault kind of over my shoulder then stand back up.  It's kind of like falling with so much momentum that you go over top over tail and stand up again.  A bit scary for me.  When I just go ALL IN, I can do it over and over.  However, if I hesitate, I slow down just enough that instead of tumbling over I land hard with my elbow under my ribs.  My body is still not happy with me today.  A sharp elbow in the ribs leaves a lasting impression.  There are some things that to get through you need to go ALL IN.  I remind myself if there is no fear then there can be no courage.  I feel fear but my courage is bigger than my fear.  I didn't start out this way.  I let fear win for a long time.  My childhood was ruled by fear and manipulation.  Anger is the easiest emotion for someone else to manipulate.  I believe this is the reason I was cautioned by my counselor to recognize that anger is a secondary emotion, hurt, fear or frustration came first.  Sometimes all three come and anger covers these other emotions.  The ALL IN method was how I approached counseling.  If I was going to change my life I was going to do it ALL IN.  I did.  I totally changed the way I function.  For most of my life, I was 5 different people in one body trying to tag team my way through life.  I am now one person that can see 5 different ways to tackle a problem.  I left none of myself behind.  I went ALL IN.  In my experience, this takes Faith that some how I will get ahead.  More than once I reminded myself that falling flat on my face was still moving forward.