Tuesday, August 14, 2018

Too sensitive


I've mentioned before that I work at a high school.  I keep up on information about how to work with students with behavioral issues at school.  One that I am learning more about is sensory processing and the living with being too sensitive.  It was startling to read a chart that described me so completely.  My counselor also told me that I was too sensitive for the environment I am in.  He described that some people are like puppies that love to rough a tumble bite and play and no feelings are hurt.  Others are more like bunnies wanting to sit quietly and be left alone.  I'm a bunny in a puppy world.  I am starting to recognize students that are bunnies expected to function in a puppy world.

I discovered that I can't turn into a puppy however I can learn a number of helpful skills.  I am learning to recognize when others are being playful but not malicious.  I am learning to express a need for quiet time and leave me alone time.  I am learning that bunnies can be quiet ferocious.  Don't piss off the bunnies.  Puppies are startled when bunnies turn ferocious.  Sometimes they really were just kidding and I need not take their behavior seriously.  I can share my perspective to help them see that not everyone appreciates the same type of play.  I spend a lot of time alone because I spend 7 and a half hours with people at work and sometimes I need to be alone.  Taking a day off to be alone is a legitimate reason to call in sick. I'm sick of too much information, too much commotion and just too much of everything.

A chart like the one above helps me see that:
1. I am not alone.
2. There are ideas and ways to cope.
3. Too sensitive can be an asset when it is understood.

Hyper-sensitive I often anticipate the needs of others.  I look out for and am aware of others that are also feeling overwhelmed.  I am willing to give other people space when they need it.  I check in with others to make sure that I am not overstepping boundaries.  I stay aware of non-verbal clues that other people may miss.  I still need to be alone a lot but I no longer feel guilty about it.  It is simply a need that I have.  Nourish that need and I can function better the rest of the time.

Saturday, August 11, 2018

Revved up

Our theme for this year at school is 'Bringing your A game.'  I wonder how often I drag in my D game then wonder why things don't go well.  Or I start with the attitude, "I'm going to fail anyway, may as well get it over with."  Please, understand.....I am a great believer in failing....means I tried something new.  I also believe in determination, perseverance, stick to itness, and whatever else you call that element that knocked down 7 times get up 8.  I got straight A's on more than one occasion.  It is not about being the smartest or the fastest or the prettiest it means hard work and not resting when others are kicked back or out at a party.  Doing well doesn't come naturally for me.  In junior high I was a B/C student with a few A's and more than one D.  The whole spelling thing is a bit of a miss for me.  I was called stupid and a variety of other names that all meant the same thing.  In high school I had a new school and I decided to "Bring my A game."  I did it with a bunch of hard work and many struggles.  I struggled over and over to get those sought after A's.  But the person I was trying to impress just didn't care.  I watched class mates get teased for getting good grades, I kept my grades a secret.  I had someone cheat using my paper and I was blamed for it.  Somewhere in the middle of this hormone fear driven era I learned bringing your A game doesn't mean knowing everything before you start.  It doesn't mean you don't make mistakes, fail, screw up or give up.  It means every single day you get up.  My body hurts, SO.  I feel afraid, SO.  I'm tired, SO.  Bringing your A game doesn't mean things are easy and natural and doors opening before you get to them.  (Sorry even in Star Trek there was someone behind the scenes opening doors for actors.)  It means hard work, struggle, correction, guidance, determination, grit, and so much more.

When it comes to counseling and healing, you need to bring your A game.  Too many poke at counseling with a stick without actually engaging in the process then moan that counseling failed.  Too many want the doors to magically open for them and everything is all smiles and brightness.  Too many times, I'm the one expecting my healing to be the floor cleaner that is Once and Done.  Fortunately, my first counselor burst my bubble and told me to get to work and bring my A game.  I knew how to do this.  I still remember the scorched Earth conversation that boiled down to step up and engage in counseling or GET OUT.  Some people would call it tough love, I called it a great blessing and the kindest thing he could have done for me.  I brought my A game.  I knew how.  I practiced it over and over in school, I didn't understand I could bring it to life.  I don't have a teacher grading me any more but I have my own desire to improve fueling my determination to bring my A game to my everyday living.  I'm excited.  I'm revved up.  BRING IT OWN.....I got my A game in place.  Working hard and determination, two things that are often underrated in the healing process.  Cheering for anyone that is choosing to take on life and choose to heal.  Cheering for you if your just poking a stick at it too.  I'm hoping you will get opportunities to learn about bringing your A game.

Tuesday, August 7, 2018


School started and WOW do I have a bunch of changes to cope with.  My mind is whirling and I set aside several favorite activities trying to get my feet back under me.  Deep breath.  I am still having trouble sleeping that is not new.  Falling asleep at work is getting worse; that is not good.  My new goal for the next two weeks is to be in bed by 11:00 PM.  No easy task since experience tells me that I will get an increase of nightmares.  I'm going to try a new experiment.  Let the nightmares happen.  It isn't like they are anything new or different than what I have had for years and years.  I have never tried this approach.  I use sleep deprivation to quiet my dreams.  What if I simply let them happen?

Tuesday, July 24, 2018


One of my favorite books as a child was Happiness is a Warm Puppy.

Charles Schultz the creator of Charlie Brown and friends taught me early that happiness is not found where commercials says it is found.  Not that new out fit or smoke or drink or latest car or top grades or all the other places trumpeted to be happiness.  Another lady in my childhood days wrote a song from Henry Thoreau quote:

"Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you; but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder."

Author: Henry Thoreau
I didn't go to counseling looking for happiness.  I felt it every day in small and simple things.  However, I did believe that happiness came from outside of me.  Made sense because inside of me was chaos, fear and darkness how could happiness survive in that hostile environment?  Counseling helped me to face that chaos, fear and darkness....bring out the looming monsters to find out that they were actually much smaller than I remembered.  They were big alright but I giant sized them from the perspective of my child size.  Looking at memories as an adult was no walk in the park, more like a fiercely fought mud fight with goo flung and names called and hoo boy you get the general idea.  Whoever said weaklings go to counseling never went to counseling.  It takes courage.  Willingness to say I was wrong.  Openness to new ideas.  For me it was a complete overhaul of a crumbled and decaying foundation hobble together to survive childhood.  Clean out the rot and decay and make room for happiness to bloom and grown inside.

One of my favorite pictures I call Bloom Where you are Planted:

Another version:

Monday, July 23, 2018

Needed Reminder

Friendly reminder that "doing your best" does not mean working yourself to the point of a mental breakdown.  

~ Peaceful mind Peaceful life https://peacefulmindpeacefullife.org/

Posted on Facebook by https://www.becomingminimalist.com/becoming-minimalist-start-here/

Wow, this is such a timely message for me.  I start back to work next week after 2 months off.  I tend to over do things and push myself to exhaustion.  I need this reminder daily.  Maybe I should post it on my mirror.

Broken pitchers don't hold water.  

Friday, July 20, 2018

Success is scary

But not for the reasons you may think it is.

What is scary about success?

If you meet your goals, then what?
If you achieve your dreams, what is left?

Recent suicides by celebrities tell us repeatedly that suicide is not exclusive to failures.

Imagine, you are told all your life when you are Successful you will be Happy.

What happens when you become a success and you still aren't happy?

I've come across several famous people that clawed, scratched and climbed up the ladder of success only to find out it was leaning against the wrong wall.

My high school reunion years ago, I talked to one of my friends I lost track of when we both graduated.  She struggled and fought to become a successful lawyer only to realize she hates it.  She was in the process of selling her part in a successful business to move to the country and open a Bed and Breakfast inn.

Scary thing about success when you finally get their do you like what you got?

I am finishing projects that waited years to get done.  I'm still having nightmares.  I am stressing to new levels of anxiety.  I am doing the things I always planned to do.  They are becoming their own obsession.  Do I have my ladder against the wrong wall?

Have you told yourself before....

when I get this then I will be happy...…..
When I graduate I will be happy
When I get my own car I will be happy
When I get married then I will be happy...…….
When life is easy then I will be happy

All these success do NOT equal happiness.

A while ago I watched Jim Carry's speech to College graduates.  I looked up what he is up to now.  He hit the top......Now what?

I believe the speech is worth a half hour of your time if you are interested.