Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Mosaic heart

On the Facebook PTSD group there are several members lamenting their brokeness and trying to make sense of senseless suffering.  They see themselves as ugly and defective just like I have for years.  Recently I am pondering on how the Japanese mend their broken bowls with gold.  I am taking this a step further in the my art challenge.....


Shattered tiny pieces make up a mosaic picture.  Bits of glass create a stain glassed window. 


If you are interested in exploring the 30 day challenge go to this link.....

http://www.determinedtoshine.net/30daysjournaling

Sunday, January 7, 2018

Winds of change

Let's go Fly a Kite. 

I was introduced to winds of change in Mary Poppins movie.  As a child I was sad that Mary Poppins left when things changed.  As an adult I was sad when my counselor left.  Before he did, I felt the winds of change.  I couldn't put my finger on what was different but I felt the change.  I was devastated when he told me he was leaving but I wasn't surprised either.  I know with hind site that for me to move forward he needed to let me go because like a frightened child that I was I clung to him.  Now I want to go fly a kite, up to the highest height.....Oh let's go Fly a Kite. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lXH9O94jak

I am pondering and sorting through the changes that are happening.  To me, I am feeling positive changes.  My perspective of myself is changing.  My belief in what is to come is with wonder and excitement.  This is a different kind of feeling than I believe I experienced before because I don't feel an underlying base of fear that I won't meet the challenge.  I look at the future and accept I will have problems but I will face them and tackle them even if they come in dozens.  I am challenged in ways I didn't believe I could do and I feel I am meeting those challenges.  I don't know the future but I am ready to say, "Bring it ON!" 

My life is underconstruction



Saturday, January 6, 2018

Last week of Vacation

For school, I have two weeks of Winter Break.  This past week I tackled a job that I have put off for years.  I didn't make a huge dent in the project but I do see progress for the first time.  This is not a New Year resolution.  Far more important it is a change I am instigating in my behalf.  I deserve a place to create my art work.  As long as I can't move around my sewing room except by small path ways it does not help me to be the best I can be.  Sewing the costumes for the play I learned 2 things.  Organizing my time carefully I have more time than I ever dreamed.  I love sewing again.  I fell out of love with sewing when I made it my job.  The year I sewed for 9 plays in one year, my family nearly divorced me.  I was so focused on producing what someone else wanted I didn't have time for my own family.  Staying away from sewing for years was easy when my legs swell up to painful proportions.  Four months ago I started cleaning soy out of my diet.  During my costume time, I sewed for hours with only minimal swelling that by taking frequent breaks almost completely disappeared.  I am changing my diet because without soy I am feeling better.  I am changing my environment because I deserve a place to grow and create.  I am changing my perspective because that is a fairly predictable occurrence when I change how I view myself.  I deserve better than what I am giving myself.  The only way to make my space and life better is to change how I treat myself.  Change will occur, because I am setting in motion the behaviors that create that change.  I love the meme going around online that congratulates everyone on 2018 and asks what they predict for the year.  The other character says 2018 will have flowers, because they are planting seeds.  I predict that I will see positive changes this year because I am setting them in motion for my benefit.  I am enjoying creating art.  I want to continue.  I need a space and my materials available.  I need to change my space to fulfill what I need with my life.  I am embracing change. 





Monday, January 1, 2018

Into the New Year

Hello Everyone I hope your first day of the New Year was filled with something that you enjoy.  I did something I usually don't do.  I bought fabric to make a blouse for myself without looking at the price and agonizing over how much I paid for it.  (Yes, it was on sale but even if it wasn't I have a coupon.)  I have a love/hate relationship with clothes.  I design exotic and beautiful things that I would never have anywhere to go that would be appropriate for what I design.  I don't know why I felt so....giddy just because I didn't compromise or talk myself into something that was good enough but much cheaper.  I also did things like wash dishes, cook dinner and normal adult things.  I spent sometime watching football with DH (darling husband) and about an hour exploring pouring acrylics art technique.  It is fascinating to me to see all the ways people use paint.  I also joined a group that are art journals and sharing in a group online.  One of the art journaling page that I did recently.  It is free to join if you are interested:

http://www.determinedtoshine.net/30daysjournaling

So far, day 3, I am enjoying this.  I am doing some drawing, photography and plan to explore other ways to create art.  Trying hard not to limit myself to what I already know.  This page is from Day 2:

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Time to Reflect

The week between Christmas and New Year is when I reflect on the whole year. 
What do I remember enjoy doing? 
What were my challenges and how did I tackle them? 
Do I have 'stuff' that needs to be taken into the next year to resolve? 
Do I like where I am at the end of the year?
Are there adjustments I want to make this coming year?

The other morning I woke up with a study plan swarming my mind.  I knew it was a spinoff from all the focus I had on costumes for months.  Absorbed in the task of creating Biblical costumes I wondered if I lost sight of the main goal, the life of Jesus Christ.  Did I get so bogged down in creating angel sashes that I forgot about serving others?  I tried using a church study guide but felt dissatisfied and frustrated by the way it was headed.  I believe that my relationship with Christ is very personal and needs improvement.  I am setting up my own study guide for the areas that I know need improvement. 

My relationship with DH improved when I was swamped with costumes and most of the other sewing ladies quit, DH stepped up and sewed for three day for Thanksgiving.  He also made sure I ate for weeks.  We were a team it was awesome.

My health is in limbo.  I am waiting for test to be done in a few months to find out what a tumor is doing on my thyroid.  If it is slow growing, do I mind hanging out with a growing lump on my throat?

My diet changed by stopping eating soy.  For years, I would choke at least once a week on something I was eating.  I've been to the hospital 4 different times in the last 20 years because food was stuck in my throat.  Last January, I landed in the emergency room again.  This was the first time I was told I had a strong allergic reaction to something.  The doctor gave me a high power tier 3 medication to keep my throat open but no intention to find out what was causing the reaction in the first place.  I stopped seeing him.  Allergy tests didn't show anything.  I went with the one food that I knew in the past could cause problems in large quantities, soy.  I worked at eliminating it from my diet.  3 months without soy and I am seeing all sorts of changes I was not expecting.  Swelling in my legs is gone.  Stiffness that I thought was old age is also gone.  I feel better most of the time.  It didn't solve every health problem but it is nice to eat and not choke on my food.  Interesting thing now is all I have to do is have a tiny bit of soy and I start choking within 15 minutes.  I thought I could get away with a little bit, nope.  It is stop eating or choke because my esophagus shuts.  I think soy and I are done.  Permanent life style change. 

My work changed again.  I've worked at the same school for 7 years.  All 7 years my assignments changed.  Different classes but I realize it is all the same work.  My job is to help the teacher and students achieve their goals.  I am part of the support team.  I am working hard at better understanding needs of students and teachers so I can be of the greatest help possible.  This year networking was added to early childhood education and fashion.  I am learning Python, my fourth computer language.  I am enjoying the challenge in spite of the fact that I don't really like programming. 

My sleep sucks.  I think that one is going at the top of my list to improve.  Sleep is a beautiful thing and I am having a terrible time sleeping when I should, falling asleep when I shouldn't, and struggling to sleep peacefully once I am asleep.  Yup, taking this one into next year to head up the top of my health improvements list of changes. 

Lumosity is improving.  https://www.lumosity.com/ It tracks my brain training.  It takes only about 20 minutes 5-7 times a week.  I am remembering things better.  I can focus better.  I like the improvements I am seeing.  It is on my continue doing list. 

I will work through a lot more as I ponder this week on where I want to head for 2018. 




Monday, December 25, 2017

Survived Christmas

If you are reading this, you survived Christmas.  Congratulations.  Well done.  Happy Dance......

364 days until Christmas. 

I remember talking with my sister when she shared her experience in counseling.  She told her therapist about a particular event and the she congradulated my sister for surviving.  My sister responded, "But I wanted to do it with more Grace."

Some days, surviving with or with out Grace is a good day. 

When I was at my worse with PTSD, I could be up only 20 minutes a day.  A friend asked me what a good day was.  My quick response, "I got up."  She waited.  I stared...."No, that's it, I got up. A great day I got up and got dressed." 

Bask in the glow of making it through the day with or without Grace.  You did it.