I wish I had read this last fall. My sister warned me that I missed the signs...but I wasn't ready to listen.
1. False Humility
2. Lack of Empathy
3. Immature Responses
4. Simplification of Others’ Needs
5. Unable to Listen
I am frustrated with myself that I was sucked up into the entanglement of someone being nice to use me. However, as I thought about it, I prefer to err on the side of kindness. I wish I didn't take it so personal. I also learned that happiness is not at the bottom of a chocolate ice cream container but I feel better for checking just to be sure.
What if? A pesky question that haunt and annoy.....
What if I was never abused?
What if I never married?
What if I traveled the world instead of staying home?
What if I finished my engineering degree?
What if I became a teacher like I wanted to?
What if's can push a person right over the edge of reasonable thinking. It is looking back and much like the Mirror of Erised in Harry Potter it benefits no one and robs what is. My recent what if that was exposed to reality, "What if I became a teacher like I wanted to?" Yes, my parents refused to help me with my college education if I went into teaching. The past 3 months I worked as a part time substitute teacher. I AM EXHAUSTED. I would burn out in a year. I considered carefully before agreeing to work next year. I enjoy working as an instructional assistant I come home ready to take on what ever is happening at home. After a day as the teacher, I come home and stare at the wall. I can barely follow the plot of a TV program and half the time fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. I am too tired to do anything else. That what if is not resolved. It is a good thing I did not become a teacher.
is not self-care. My body is objecting to months of neglect. I indulged in sweets and games but not self-care. Flylady would claim that my inner-child took over my life and is squandering time and health. One cool thing I learned was that sewing does not cause my legs to swell, sitting for long periods of time does. Sadly, I come home so exhausted from work I have little energy to do anything but sit. I collapse into a chair and often can move until 3 or 4 hours later, sometimes, not even then. Another cool thing I learned is I can choose healthy choices when still depressed. I am using depression to help me feel calm when I am seething inside. Times like this, I wish I was still in counseling and could dump all my puzzle pieces on the floor, talking non-stop until toward the end my counselor would help me pick through the rubble to work on a small piece of the mass mess.
Reviewing the year in preparation for sharing my progress (or lack of) with my counselor. Dynamic crazy year. I experienced several bouts of illness that creamed me at crucial times when I wanted to be somewhere else. I couldn't visit the sick and share I don't know what type of germ plaguing me. I weathered finding out a friend wasn't a friend. I felt sad. Real sad. I lost two things my belief in myself knowing what a friend is and the imaginary friend. Not a total loss, I enjoyed time with the person but realize there were clues I ignored in my desire for friendship. I am doing things that I wouldn't believe I could do 3 years ago. I am growing in directions I didn't expect. Then my legs start to swell. Pain increases until I have to quit Karate for a couple of weeks. DH exclaims this is worse then ever...no it isn't. I went through this multiple times. One time the doctor checked for blood clots....nope. Try support hose....knees swelled so much I couldn't get my blue jeans off. Epic fail. This time I wasn't sewing. I stopped sewing for over a year because I thought that caused the swelling last time. I am learning that it is a combination of events - high stress, poor eating, sitting long periods of time. Back to basics. Move regularly during work sessions at the computer or sewing or any other sitting project. Remember I control every bite that goes into my mouth. Stress....well I quit everything except my job for a couple of weeks. Back to setting boundaries. Back to paying attention to what I eat and how much. Back to recognizing I can't fix the world, I can only change me. Back to basics, back to me.