Tuesday, October 13, 2015

New routines

I hate routines and I can't survive without them.  Why do I hate routines?  Because someone else is always messing mine up so I feel more frustrated than if I didn't have them in the first place.  How's that for weird logic?  I had Fall break.  A week off.....should have been grand....NOPE.  I am all out of sorts trying to get used to the the new routines set in place just before Fall break.  I was late reporting to one of the areas because I forgot I was supposed to be there.  Hard to describe to other people the tail spin I can go in over the simplest of jostles in my life.  The changes can be good ones and I still get out of sorts.  I like being a rut.  Same-o-same-o works for me.  Even missing one thing throws me off. I can't seem to maintain them.  Heavy sigh....just grumpy.  I'll get this worked out. 

I am having some fun..... made Halloween treats with the grandkids. 

I love Autumn..............

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Some one has it worse

Have you ever been told that you can't feel sad because someone has it worse than you do?  It is something I've heard repeatedly.  I finally found it quote that I can fully endorse.

Telling someone they can't be sad because others have it worse is like saying someone can't be happy because others have it better.


 On the web page it was submitted 2 years ago, if I heard it before I don't remember.  What I feel is my feeling.  Someone else cannot tell me what I feel is not of value if someone else is feeling it better or worse. 

Thursday, October 8, 2015


For those that are unfamiliar with the term stay-cation, it is time off without going on vacation.  Staying home as a vacation.  But for me I haven't really had a vacation.  I tackled a job that I avoided for years.  I have stacks and stacks of papers.  I tackled some of them.  Those papers that I knew I needed to keep for medical purposes were filed.  I also threw away stuff that I saved for YEARS telling myself that I would fix it, do something with it, or use it.  I did have a moments desire to snatch stuff back out of the trash.  I peaked...bless my hubby's heart, he already took out the trash.  He knows me well.  I am seeing part of my floor that I haven't seen for years.  I do believe that my husband keeps me from becoming one of those hoarders you see on TV.  One of the challenges of growing up with multiple personalities, I didn't feel like anything belonged to me or I kept things for evidence that they happened.  Healing process involves not just healthy choices but a whole new life style.  I am continually frustrated by people saying they want to go back to before PTSD.  My thought is why do I have to not change when I have a life changing experience?  Every event that causes PTSD is a life changing experience.  A persons view of the world is forever altered.  I split into different personalities at 5 years old.  I lived that way for over 40 years.  Integrating was a life changing experience.  I am different now.  I am still trying to understand what that is but that's OK.  Life changing experiences mean life changes.  Stay-cation for me is no more restful than going on a vacation. 

Grand Canyon

Mammoth Springs, Yellowstone

Grand Tetons

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Time to Pray

~ Time to Pray....
I got up early one morning
and rushed right into the day;
I had so much to accomplish
that I didn't have time to pray.
Problems just tumbled about me
and heavier came each task;
"Why doesn't God help me?"
I wondered He said, "But you didn't ask."
I wanted to see joy and beauty
but the day toiled on, gray and bleak;
I wondered why God didn't show me.
He said,"But you didn't seek"
I tried to come into God's presence;
I used all the keys at the lock.
God Gently and lovingly chided
"My child, you didn't knock."
I woke up early this morning
And paused before entering the day.
I had so mush to accomplish
That I had to take time to Pray.
Author Unknown
*God Bless and keep Sharing the Good News !!! ~ C4C

 I start each morning with prayer for I reason, I need all the help I can get.

Dear Lord,
So far today I am doing all right.  I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent.  However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need a lot more help after that.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Hit after hit

Wednesday my whole job got turned around.  That evening I randomly encountered one of my biggest triggers.  My anxiety went through the roof but I didn't run screaming from the room.    Thursday I started processing events and realized that there was a person in administration using me to show her displeasure towards one of the teachers.  I'm a little slow at picking up nuances.  I realized that there reasoning had holes big enough to drive a truck through.  Being used to hurt others is another huge trigger.  Friday one of the groups that I will no longer work with created cards and gave me a basket of flowers.  I was moved to tears.  I loved working with these people.  I will still see them at school I but I won't have the daily contact that I used to have.  The administrators complain that staff moral is low then treat them as nothing more than an X on a spread sheet.  I spent quiet time with grand kids and spent today sorting what I can do something about and what is someone else's responsibility.  Today in karate class, I could barely remember what I was taught on Thursday.  I hate mush brain feeling.  I'm also adjusting my thinking to this new challenge.  I'm excited about what is coming up.  So now I feel guilty for feeling excited about the changes.  I'm just weird.  No emotions is much easier.  Feeling like a snow globe that got shook up and it will take time to understand all the fall out.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Email is not enough

Today in my email I get a spread sheet showing a complete revamping of my job and position with no explanation with the expectation of drop everything and change.  I knew the change was coming.  I tried to prepare myself for it.  I still feel body slammed and relieved all at the same time.  I worked out the worse possible scenarios.....I feel relief that none of them happened.  The change may be an improvement in many ways.  But even good changes take time to absorb and adjust to.  Whiplash changes that affect many people leave resentment, frustration, and confusion in their wake.  Then those making these extreme changes wonder why anyone is upset.  If you slam your brakes on the freeway for no apparent reason, people are going to honk at you.  I did get to meet with the person in charge of the changes.  I expressed my acceptance of the change then mentioned my concerns.  Sure enough there were some vital factors that no one even considered.  My head is a mess tonight trying to reshuffle in my mind all I need to do.  I'm going to miss working with a wonderful group of ladies.  I am looking forward to new challenges.  I am learning to express my concerns in a healthy constructive way.  Life is crazy then some administrator amps up the crazy.....then the wonder why things are crazy...  Venting my point of view.