Friday, December 8, 2017

Final showing

After months of preparation, frustration and a ton of work the 2 performances are upon us.  Then clean up and washing costumes and returning borrowed items and and and and and and .....

I watched the musical tonight Savior of the World put on by our Church tonight, final dress rehearsal. 

Two nights and then it is done.  I'm so ready to be done. 

Sunday, November 26, 2017

Huge project

I knew when I volunteered that this would be a big project but it is some much bigger than I thought it would be.  This post is about my relationship with Heavenly Father...if you are a survivor of religious abuse you may want to skip today's. 

I did pray about volunteering and every time I thought, 'no, I can't do this,' my heart would nag me that with my background in creating costumes for plays I had the skills needed to do this.  I was ambivalent and finally sent my name in for helping out.  They put me in charge of all the costumes.  I imagined a cast of maybe 10 people with many costumes being borrowed.  My reality check bounced big time.  A cast of over 30 people with multiple parts per person to the tune of over 80 costumes.  Easily the biggest show I ever done.  I felt overwhelmed. 

I remembered that Heavenly Father is awesome at doing the impossible.  Day after day I chip away at the project.  Buying fabric, planning, asking others to do so much, going back to planning and buying more fabric.  Good grief.  Borrowed some of the costumes but some of them didn't fit the people chosen for the parts.  Then the seamstresses helping started quitting.  Wow.  I felt backed into a corned.  I kept praying, "What did Heavenly Father want me to learn from this?"  Over the weeks two answers keep hammering in my mind, "I can't fix everything," and "people are more important than the task."  I'm not sure I am doing very well on these. 

In spite of my doubts and fears miracles are happening.  I found 31 yards of white fabric for $3.00 per yard.  The Roman sandals were 50% off the day after Halloween.  Goodwill put all there linens, sheets and curtains for 50% off.  I am watching my closet fill up with more and more costumes.  My DH and pitched in with sewing.  My sister helped put name on costumes.  People keeping stepping up when I am giving up.  Heavenly Father asked me to build an Ark and all the construction materials are all over our living room.  Faith is a scary thing some days.  Miracles are I have one week to finish.  Wow is this tough.  I'm seeing things come together. Thank you Lord. 

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Feeling Blue

Breathe.....really you are probably holding your breathe. 

One of the reactions to anxiety is to hold your breathe.  Oxygen deprivation really messes with the body.  Hyperventilation is not much better.  It only takes 10% increase in breathing to hyperventilate.  Some of the symptoms are dizziness, light headed, numbness in hands and feet and a host of other uncomfortable sensations.

One of the groups I follow on Facebook for CPTSD posted a link to a page called coherent-breathing.

It looks interesting and I want to try it out.  If anyone else has experience with this would you share your opinion, please? 

I experienced myself times when I relax so completely I can't be roused or moved.  Not good when I am at work. 

I learned early in my healing process that breathing is key to knowing when I am triggered.  Not all triggers are the obvious cause and effect.  Sometimes the quickening of my breathe alerts me that danger is near. 

Breathing in slowly and releasing my breathe slowly takes time and effort.  Practice breathing before I am in crisis ups my chances of remembering to breathe when I am anxious at night.  

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Mixed emotions

Every year this time of year is a confluence of mixed emotions threatening to obliterate me or catapult me into my murky and screwed up past.  Then I remember a project I did in wood for art class. 

Treasured pieces
Forgotten past
Lost in the recesses of a suppressed mind.
The facade cracks – the filth of my past oozes into my consciousness.
In this filthy river are bits and pieces of treasured moments.
Collect them Polish them Store them where they are safe.
Bring them out and remember. 

Life can be good. 
Moments can be precious. 
Savor the good that exists.
I can not change my past. 

I can decide my future 
Do I spread the ooze or 
Create moments to be treasured?
Only I decide.
Written by me (2009)

Halloween to Valentines Day I struggle to sort out the good, the bad and the ugly.  I want to do so much then ugly overwhelms and I want to hibernate until March.  Nothing is peaceful for me this time of year.  I want happiness and joy and peace but it is difficult when memories of stress and sorrow and chaos crowd my mind.  My own mistakes, broken promises and short comings become crystal clear.  Another round of missed birthdays, plans I don't follow through on and this year I really put myself in a pickle by volunteering to help with something that I expected to be much different than it turned out to be.  I'm sad.  I did this to myself.  I feel like sometimes I make my life miserable to replicate the angst of childhood.  To make things feel 'normal.'  I'm thankful to my first counselor that taught me that normal is only true when placed in context.  I found a quote that satisfies my need for a definition, "Normal is a setting on a drier."

Friday, November 17, 2017

Doing it again

I do this over and over and over.  I give myself an impossible task then beat myself up for not achieving it in half the time available.  I am thankful to DH and Judy for supporting me in my insanity.  They are not telling me to stop trying to do the impossible they are each doing something to support me in their own way.  DH makes sure I eat.  Yup, I punish myself by starving myself for not being done with the impossible already.  Judy is helping with keeping me calm and reminding me that I am doing the impossible.  Hugs to both.  I couldn't do this without them. 

Monday, November 13, 2017

Come a long way

Hi all....I'm immersed in costumes for a Christmas play.  To take a break I was deleting old emails.  I came across an email I wrote 10 years ago.  I was falling apart because my boss changed her mind and asked me to do something different than I planned.  I emailed to get an appointment because I simply couldn't cope with a change of plans. 

10 years later.  Last week at work my afternoon scheduled switch from networking to one day networking, next day welding, then fashion followed up by Early Childhood Education.  It wasn't comfortable but I did not fall apart.  I took it in stride and continued to work on costumes after work.  I really can fit 30 angels in my trunk.  People are blown away when I explain the logistics of 5 yards of fabric times 30 people....yup 150 yards (137 meters) of fabric.  That is just for the angels. 

It is amazing what I can do now.  Loving this and enjoying the blessings but secretly promising myself that this is a once.