Thursday, March 31, 2011

One more piece...

For those that do not want to hear one more thing about what I read at upsi's ~ wander over to youtube to comfort Kermit the Frog. He's feeling sad.  I love Kermit.

The rant continues...  I know some may be thinking, "Really, can't you get past this?"  Apparently not.  Over at upsi's she published TM's very clear and concise analysis of both letters.  TM pointed out the attempts by "Karen" to be fair yet state her opinion.  Also showed "Healing Mother" as a far less than sympathetic writer with obviously narcissistic tendencies.  I was extremely impressed by what was written.  Check out the link...
Thanks upsi and TM for an awesome blog post.

For the original post check out this link:
Trying to keep everyone, that wants to be, in the loop.

So what bee do I still have in my bonnet that wasn't already covered?  (Please be warned this is going to be a strongly stated opinion about "Healing Mother's" vicious words minimalizing child abuse.)

This is one of the lines from the less than sympathetic "Healing Mother."  (My personal opinion of this mother runs very uncomplimentary and probably considered judging but I felt her attack was vicious.)

"Sexual or physical abuse is one thing, and I am quite sure parents know if they did those things."

Really - Think for a minute how many children will be in the Emergency room tonight thanks to their parents?  Or how many young boys and girls were introduced to sex or drugs by their parents.  The parents will deny they did anything wrong.  What land of denial is "Healing Mother" living in that she is so clueless of the epidemic levels of child abuse in every walk of life.  Child abuse has no racial, economic, religious, or regional bounds.  Do you really think that the woman hitting her child with a hairbrush, wooden spoon, or fist actually believe they are abusers? Do you actually believe that the man that rapes his daughter would turn himself in and saying, "Oh wow, I must have abused my daughter?" Or the sexually frustrated woman that turns to her son to teach him how to satisfy her will acknowledge she abused her own son. Child abuse is epidemic because it is being minimalized, down played, and lied about.   Wake up "Healing Mother," child abuse is growing at alarming rates because people like you down play the ugly reality.  

This woman just doesn't stop.  She goes on to say:
"However, in this day and age the term "emotional abuse" has little meaning or credibility since everyone who has any self-doubt or some challenge to his/her self esteem now seems to believe he/she has somehow been "parentally abused or manipulated"."

I remember as a teenager going to listen to one of the POWs that came back from Vietnam.  The horror stories he told of physical deprivation, but he shared that the enemy had learned that the cruelest thing they could do was to emotionally abuse the prisoners.  They systematically set out to break their prisoners' spirits.  Telling them nobody cared about them or were looking for them.  Keeping them in boxes not tall enough to stand in and separated from each other so they had no communication.  How easy it is to isolate a child and give them no positive communication.  Parents that think it is funny to call their child "crabby appleton, rotten to the core" to a two year old.  The first words she learns is that she is rotten to the core with nothing good in her.  This from 'loving' parents.  Or how about "ding-a-ling" to the child that was so sick she could barely function but since she wasn't running a temperature she must be faking it.  Emotional abuse is the bloodless torture that is used sometimes by pure stupidity and ignorance but other times with all the viciousness of hellcats destroying another human being.  Who would believe a child in a middle class home that she was starved because the mother wanted to save the food for the favored child?  I had cancer and I was that child.  If I had a choice between one of the two I would pick cancer.  

What Cancer Cannot Do
Author: Unknown
Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.
My feelings about Abuse
Abuse is cancer of the soul
Abuse is so destructive...
It can cripple love.
It can shatter hope.
It can corrode faith.
It can eat away peace.
It can destroy confidence.
It can kill friendship.
It can shut out memories.
It can silence courage.
It can reduce eternal life.
It can quench the Spirit.
Satan has one hell of a tool.
For all Satan's efforts, he cannot stop Christ's Atonement.
 There is hope for every abused child to grow up and decide to become a chain breaker.  But for some, the chances are slim that they will grow up because of the actions and abuses of their parents.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

As Thyself

I am continuing my rant with a pause for "Karen."  Those that do not want to hear about this, check over at Jana's Thinking Place she has a great list of questions to think about instead:  
This is a continued LONG response to a post over at upsi's:
My answer to "Karen" would be very different than the one she received from "Healing Mom."  (I added the quotes on Healing Mom on purpose.  She says she is healing but I don't see enough evidence to convict her.)  
Dear "Karen",
I am so sorry you are hurting so much.  I am a 50 something mom that found out at 45 she was really messed up and in consequence hurt her kids.  I learned a lot about owning, apologizing, and learning new ways to live.  I am sorry to hear you are in a situation with parents that have no intention of treating you with the respect you deserve.  I was deeply disturbed by the religious bent of "Healing Mom's" rant.  I sensed no feeling of empathy or even a bit of understanding.  Here is the scripture I would choose to share with you.  Luke 10:27 thy neighbor as thyself.  I added the emphasis on AS THYSELF.  Jesus does not say love thy neighbor more than yourself or instead of yourself.  I would suggest that our parents are one of our closest neighbors and we have known them the longest.  Many parents, but not all, profess that they love their children.  Unfortunately, their behavior does not always match their words.  You are right that you need to respect yourself.  To me, part of that is to surround yourself with people that respect you.  I think it is a valid statement when you say that disrespecting you is a parental habit and they don't realize how awful they sound.  When I was a teenager, one of my brothers hid a tape recorder to tape the family dinner conversation for a class assignment.  The conversation did not fit the assignment but we learned a lot from listening to that tape.  I feel sad that you are forced into the position of choosing to care for yourself or stay in contact with your parents.  That is so not fair, but I also understand why sometimes such a difficult choice is needed.  If you don't mind me saying, I will keep you in my prayers that you will be one of the worlds chain breakers and do for your children what was not done for you. May you always show love and respect to your children.  
A very different Healing Mom

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Big HOT Button

In each person's life there are certain things that are great, big HOT buttons that when pushed result in RED HOT reactions every time.  Today's post will be a rant about religious nuts.  Anyone wishing not to participate are welcomed to use the back button or head over to Deena's.  She is celebrating the launch of her book.

Those of you that have come this far have been warned. 

upsi is an inspiration to me.  She is a daughter of a narcissistic mother and she is learning to live in real life and not her mother's twisted fantasy.  upsi shares research of what other people are doing and the reaction of narcissistic parents.  To check out the original post you can look over on upsi's page.

The title alone gives you a clue what my HOT button is... Thou shalt honor thy father and mother.   Most of my readers know that I declare openly my belief in Jesus Christ.  I believe in the Ten commandments and I have had scriptures used like a cat-o-nine-tails.  (Small vicious whip used in Biblical times to punish.)  There are religious nuts that will twist scriptures to justify, excuse, and abuse others especially children. I am tired of hypocritical parents pulling the 10 commandments card to keep their children bound to them when they don't deserve it.

Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God givieth thee.  I learned in a religion class years ago that in Biblical times and in some countries today, parents have life and death control over their children.  Honoring your parents improved your life expectancy.  Sadly times change slowly for some things.  There were laws protecting animals from human cruelty before their were laws to protect children from their own parents.  Through out generations horror stories surface as to what occurred within "the family."  Today psychologist joke that every family has their dysfunction, pick your dysfunction.  Some families bad behavior is easily apparent.  Others are like Luke 11:39 ... make clean the outside of the cup and the platter; but your inward part is full of ravening and wickedness.  Often these twisted parents use certain scriptures to keep their power in place and their children bound to them with religious threats.  Some how the later scriptures of Love thy neighbor means someone outside their home.  Have these parents not considered that their children are more important than their neighbors?  Yet how many of these pious parents treat their neighbors far better than their own children.  Did these parents read in the New Testament the words of Christ Matthew 18:6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea?  I always find it interesting how some parents excusing themselves are very selective as to which scriptures they use.

For the parents that bleat "I did the best I could" to excuse themselves from improving their relationships, I refer them to the many scriptures on repentance.  You are not too old to repent of poor parenting choices.  I raised my kids before I found out that I have PTSD at a severe level.  PTSD at the level I have lived pretty much guarantees you will mess up as a parent.  I can not go back and change my past or how I raised my children but as I learn I can change.  I can recognize, apologize, and where possible correct the mistakes I have made.  I am NOT a perfect parent.  No parent is a perfect parent.  However, if they are religious enough to use the 10 Commandments; they are religious enough to use repentance.

I think I will save part two for tomorrow's post.  upsi's information gave me plenty to think about.  May take me a few days to process all the different aspects of my reaction to these letters. 

Monday, March 28, 2011

Interesting but disturbing

Do you ever wish you had a visual way to explain to someone how much emotional abuse can hurt?  So often emotional abuse is blown off as no big deal.  While checking out Designzzz pages I came across this fairly disturbing way to show emotional abuse.


Have you ever wondered about the "words" that we type in to verify a comment.  I commented over at  Diary of a Scapegoat and the verification "word" was HUMFRAZ.  If I gave this word a definition it would be ~ a frazzled human being.  There are many days that I am a HUMFRAZ.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Did you think to Pray?

One of my most interesting life experiences occurred in my college Physics class.  The professor one day threw out the statement that there was no God.  The room seemed to explode since it was at a school with a fairly religious demographics.  What fascinated me was that all these students with religious backgrounds not one of them bore their testimony of their belief in God.  They all tried to logically explain God and His part in the Universe.  Since I was raised in a home that thrived on arguments, I knew better than to step into the heat of battle.  I waited until after class was over.  I then approached the professor and with no anger or desire to prove a point I asked, "Do you believe in a supreme being?"  I phrased this carefully because I am aware that what name a person uses for supreme being can vary.  His answer floored me, "Every scientist, I am not referring to social scientist they are not scientist, knows there is a supreme being.  The odds are too astronomical for life to be an accident."  I think I was the only one that walked out of that class feeling like my testimony in God had been validated. 

This morning I woke up remembering a phrase 'Ere you left your room this morning, did you think to pray?'  Prayer has been a real difficult thing for me.  I have prayed for over 30 years as to why I had such an odd feeling that something was really wrong with me.  God took His own time to answer.  Now I know that I suffer from PTSD.  I have finally remembered bits and pieces of my childhood with the help of KavinCoach.  I decided that God waited for me to connect with KavinCoach before He let my mind release the horrors of my past.  From about age 12 to 45 I had almost no memories of my childhood.  In the first few weeks of counseling KavinCoach asked me to tell him about my childhood.  I quickly replied with a pat answer, "It was great.  We went to the park and we went to the zoo."  His look at me was sooooo skeptical. "Tell me an average day."   I repeated, "I went to the park and went to the zoo, it was a great childhood."  KavinCoach wasn't buying.  He stated, "You have no idea about your childhood."  He was the first person to ever see past the lie I had told since high school.  I sheepishly admitted,  "I was amazed in high school that any one could remember their childhood."  I had a daddy like other little girl's daddy that prayed for safety of the family everyday.  But I wasn't safe in our neighborhood or even in my family.  I was hurt daily.  Did God not answer his prayers?  So here came the paradox.  Out of a childhood from Hell, I have an unwavering belief that there is a God and He loves me.  I am reading another book on boundaries and this particular book is discussing how a person forms boundaries while they mature through childhood years.  My life did not follow the "healthy" pattern.  This book, like a lot of psychology books, explains a hierarchy of maturing with the last pinnacle understanding our relationship to God.  So how did I miss all the other steps and have a solid belief in God when my foundation was created in the most unhealthy, emotionally distorted childhood?  

I decided that God answers prayers His way and not the way people expect Him to and certainly not in my time frame.  I remember in high school when my group of friends felt it was their moral obligation to 'save me' from my religion since they didn't agree with what was taught at my church.  They were all shocked when I changed friends instead of religions.  My new friends were not members of my church but they didn't try to 'save me' either.  I just knew that by high school I had a very firm belief in God no matter what people thought of me at church or my friends tried to pressure me at school.  My testimony in God was rock solid.  My understanding of why He let this world get into such a mess was a little fuzzy but there was no doubt in my heart that He existed.  Now reading this psychology book I am again presented with how did I get this belief in God that so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son to Earth to die for our sins?  It certainly wasn't because He answered my prays the way I wanted or in a timely manner.  It wasn't because I had matured through all the correct psychological phases.   I was raised in a family where Church was put before family.  I didn't fit any pattern of why I should have such a strong faith that God lived and Jesus was my savior.  But that was just it, I knew Jesus Christ was my savior and that God the Eternal Father sent Him to get me out of my hell hole.  KavinCoach once asked me why did Christ have to suffer in Gethsemane.  I replied, "So He would know where in Hell to find me."  I pray daily.  More discussions I think and if I am angry with how things are going under God's supervision I tell Him.  I like my sister's perspective, "God already knows you are angry with Him.  You may as well admit it so you can move on to a discussion of what to do about it."  Prayer is my one on one conversation with my Heavenly Father with Jesus Christ being my mediator.  I couldn't make it without out Him.  So did I think to pray?  Not always, when depression is swamping my mind it is hard to remember who to call on for help.  When I do remember, I don't always know what to say or even what to ask.  I just know that on the days that I talk my life over with God I feel better.  Not a perfect day but better than how I do without prayer.       

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Facing challenges

Some days I am just plain tired.  Tired of trying to do all I am supposed to do, all that I want to do, and all that I wish I could do.  When I came to Earth, I was not informed that I would be getting a cheap shot body that barely functioned, a FOO (family of origin) that had more nuts than a pecan tree, and life experiences that keep landing me in the worse case scenario section of self-help books and a few psychology books, too.  My grand daughter's high pitch 5 year-old voice, "Are you kidding me?"  None the less, this is what I was handed.  Jana over at Band Back Together talks about the hands we are dealtBetsy Ten Boom (Corrie's sister) talked about thanking God for the Fleas.   I stand in awe.  I also read other bloggers and their respective challenges.  My problems are not the worse.  There are things that have passed me by.  Ten years cancer free, a very exciting milestone.  Amazing kids, kids-in-laws, grandkids, sister, friends, good counselor, wonderful medical doctor, being a chain breaker.  Yup, the hand I was dealt has some wild deuces, jokers, and quite a few low cards but I have an ace or 2 in the hole.  Tonight I am tired but I am a happy tired.  Good Night.   

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Bless my computer

After this week I just had to find this prayer.  First time I read it was years ago.  I thought about it this week when so many of you treated me with such kindness.  I am doing much better thank you to all of you. 

Bless My Cyber Friends.
Dear Lord,

Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little Prayer
Keeps running through my head:

God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.

And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do;
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Please bless my computer too.

Now I know that it's unusual
To Bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.

You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends;
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.

I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.

By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.

Please take an extra minute

From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love.

Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail inbox
And each person who hits "send".

When you update your Heavenly list
On your own Great CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to
PS Please include my many blogger friends.  

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


Not everyone will agree with me but that is OK.  Not everyone will disagree and that is OK.  I am learning more and more everyday that expressing my opinion is OK.  The one thing about abuse is you believe that you and your opinion are not OK.  So I share this, my opinion, sent to me in an email from my lovely daughter.  I'm OK. 

You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc.  This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story.  Gives you something to think about.

Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband's employer's home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.

The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely.

As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband.
He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment.

Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts.  Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny.

He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd!  What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?

Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her.  Finally, she could stand it no longer.  She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value.

A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see.  She had seen many pennies before!  What was the point of this?

'Look at it.' He said.  'Read what it says.'  She read the words

' United States of America '
'No, not that; read further.'
'One cent?'
'No, keep reading.'
'In God we Trust?'
'And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin.  Whenever I find a coin, I see that inscription.  It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it!  God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him?  Who am I to pass it by?  When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment.  I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold.  I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me.  Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!

When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk.  I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change.  I read the words, 'In God We Trust,' and had to laugh.  Yes, God, I get the message.

It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful!  And, God is patient..

Thought for the Day:


If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.


If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.


He sends you flowers every spring.


He sends you a sunrise every morning Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!


Send this to every 'beautiful person' you wish to bless.

& nbsp;

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow,sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.


Read this line very slowly and let it sink in...

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

Bummer day

How do I write about overcoming depression when I find myself in the middle of a dark episode?  Then I remind myself it is less dark than before.  I read others writings that encourage me to look at the lighter side.  (In a dark space it is hard to believe in a brighter side so a lighter side is the best I can do right now.)  Over at Band Back Together a woman shares her challenges with Bipolar which includes struggling with depression.  I laughed at her idea that those that suffer from depression should really be able to turn blue like a Smurf so people would know that we are not making this up.  I think today I would be dark blue.  Check out My little black Rain Cloud.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Mental Hygiene

Years ago I used to listen to a tape (BC - before CDs 1970's) by Dr. Banks.

As you ramble through life, brother, no matter what your goal,
keep your eye upon the doughnut, and not upon the hole
--Dr. Murray Banks, quoting a menu

Dr. Murray Banks - How To Live With Yourself

Found links to the tape I used to listen to... (I love the internet.)

 Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7

I didn't know about my PTSD when I listened to this tape.  I still use many of the principles I learned here.  Enjoy. 

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Geek thoughts

Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Steven Wright

Have you ever met someone or know someone that acts like a black hole.  They suck all the energy in and nothing comes out?  

Friday, March 18, 2011

Great News

This week I learned that I am on my 10th year cancer free.  Makes me very happy.  :)


What is self?  Is it possible to be selfish if you don't know what self is?  Is self-awareness a component of self or can I be self-aware without understanding self?  Or is it that my definition of self does not 'fit' into other peoples description of self? 

Multiple personalities, Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), True self, Innerkiddies all try to describe what self is and how to function as self.  I always thought I knew myself, so at age 45 I found out I had more than one self I was distressed.  How could I know myself and not know their was more than one of me?  Then I was asked by KavinCoach which one was real.  KavinCoach always showed me respect, kindness, encouragement, and I yelled at him.  I was furious.  How dare he imply that any one of myselves was not real.  We were all real.  But now I am back to being one self.  And this week I had an experience that I feel like myself again.  How can I be myself again but not revert back to we?  How many people experience such massive changes in self?  How can I understand what self is if myself has changed so dramatically I barely recognize myself?  Today I have more questions than answers.  I am thinking that one of the problems generated by DID is trying to convey a definition of self.  Who is I?

In high school, I was aware that I had a problem with identity.  I took an English class called Search for Identity.  (This was in the era of experimenting with English classes trying to make them more engaging.)  I still remember being assigned to read the book by Daphne du Maurier Scapegoat the class was supposed to take the whole 9 weeks to read and discuss this one book.  I devoured the book in the first week.  I then spent the entire 9 weeks having a one on one discussion with the teacher in class since no one else kept up on the reading.  (Or maybe I was so fascinated by the subject that I cut others out in my enthusiasm to explore this identity story.) The story is about two men that meet and realize they are almost identical in appearance even though they were unrelated.  One man steals the other man's identity by getting the fellow drunk and leaving him in a hotel room with all of his own identification.  The man that woke up with this new identity was dissatisfied with his own life so the story centers on the man accepting the switch and living this new life.  The book center on the problems of taking over another persons life.  I still remember huge sections of this book.  My own life I remember practically none of that year. Safer to remember a book than my life.  The one nice side benefit was the final exam was an essay exam with question about Scapegoat.  My teacher, Mrs. Standish (I actually remember her name and her habit of always fiddling with her hair), excused me from taking the final.  I was elated because writing has always been difficult for me.  I felt real pity for the Englishman that found himself switched with the identity of a Frenchman.  (I can't remember their names just my teacher's name, sorry.)  I was fascinated at the time partly because my mother is an identical twin.  I couldn't always tell my mother and my aunt apart.  I knew first hand how much a like two people could look.  My mother talked about the difficulties of having a separate identity when she looked so much like her sister.  What I didn't know at the time was that I functioned by switching.  I didn't know then that the reason my memory was so faulty was that there wasn't one identity with all the memories.  Self, identity, who am I?  Age old questions that sometimes leaves you with more questions than answers.   

Quote from my quotes widget:
Real heroes are men who fall and fail and are flawed, but win out in the end because they've stayed true to their ideals and beliefs and commitments.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Pam Young found a way

 The first paragraph of this letter from Pam Young had me riveted.  I keep trying to say it is not one big event that pounded away at my self esteem but a thousand little put downs, criticism, and other things all for my own good of course.  I describe that this type of treatment is liking be swarmed by mosquitoes.  A single bite is insignificant but a relentless attack over years of time can leave you just as battered as one horrible experience.   Pam Young idea to sooth and comfort your innerkiddes sometimes sounds like being a multiple personality.  The major difference you know who's doing the talking.  I like some of her ideas and found that some of the things she shares work for me too.  I don't use all of her ideas.  If it works for you, great.  If it doesn't, that's OK too. 

Young@Heart by Pam Young

In his breath-taking book Many Lives, Many Masters , Dr. Brian Weiss M.D. (a renown and highly reputable psychiatrist) said, “The steady day-in and day-out pounding of undermining influences such as a parent’s scathing criticisms, could cause even more psychological trauma than a single traumatic event.  These damaging influences, because they blend into the everyday background of our lives, are even more difficult to remember and exorcise.  A constantly criticized child can lose as much confidence and self-esteem as one who remembers being humiliated on one particular, horrifying day.  A child whose family is impoverished and has very little food available on a day-to-day basis might eventually suffer from the same psychological problems as a child who experienced one major episode of accidental near-starvation.  Those day-in and day-out poundings of negative forces have to be recognized and resolved with as much attention as that paid to the single overwhelmingly traumatic event.”

Pam here: I loved what Dr. Weiss said and I’ve realized because of my daily attention to Nelly my inner child, I have been able to neutralize the day-in and day-out poundings of the past by becoming aware of her against the background of my daily life that’s going on now.  When we shine our attention daily on the inner child, and confront negative behavior in the moment, using love, understanding and compassion, we can almost be like our own psychologist helping ourselves to remember and exorcise the source of any bad behavior. 

It was very hard for me at first to accept the concept of “loving myself.”  It just sounded wrong!  It seemed like such a selfish notion and would always send me off into thinking about people I know who are self-centered, self-serving, “into” themselves and egotistical and I didn’t like those who came to mind and certainly didn’t want to be like them.  So I looked up the word selfish in my synonym finder and it gave words like greedy, materialistic, covetous, hoggish, hoarding, grabby, possessive, stingy and such.  Yikes those words describe behavior I don’t ever want to have and being selfish in those ways really doesn’t have anything to do with love. 

So with the help of several spiritual teachers, I cautiously stuck my big toe in this pool of love that we all have inside of us and surrounding us, and over time I waded in up to my neck and then I just took a big breath and went in all the way!  Now you know how it goes when the water is cold but you want to go in swimming and you diddle around inching in up to your knees, then your waist instead of just diving in.  Why do we do that?  Once we’re in and swimming around we yell out to the other chickens on the shore, “Come on in, it’s wonderful!”  

That’s all I have to say about loving yourself, “Come on in, it’s wonderful!”  I have fallen madly in love with myself and it has been in that love that I see us all as one so I can’t help being madly in love with you too!  By loving myself I didn’t become selfish, I just became more loving.  

I received this email today from one of my Inner Kiddy subscribers.  She said, “Pam, something I've noticed as I've begun working with my little girl, Tita, is that the more I treat my own inner little girl with love and understanding, and begin silencing the ugly inner voices that have plagued me for so long, the easier and more natural it has been for me to treat my own dear children (DS 15 and DD 9) with love and understanding.  Without really trying, I've become more fun and spontaneous and less critical.  Basically, I sound less and less like my father (who was very negative, overbearing, and critical) and more and more like the mom I want to be.  Thanks to you and Nelly for helping me learn to love all of me, and in turn, to better love those around me.  Blessings, T & T.

It’s all about love.  Thank goodness we’ve been given a second chance to neutralize the poundings of the past.  It’s time to dive in the pool of love that’s waiting.  It’s wonderful!   

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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Garbage needs to go out!

I am about half way through the book Law of the Garbage Truck.  In some ways, it is awesome.  I have found driving during rush hour almost pleasant.  I am learning to not allow some things to upset me.  This week I figured out the one thing that left me concerned with the concept of letting the Garbage pass you by.  Sometimes you need to take out the garbage.  One of upsi's readers suggested she just ignore rude comments from an uniformed reader.  I have learned that ignoring some of these rude comments is agreement by silence.  Sometimes there is a need to say, "This is GARBAGE.  It is not OK to behave this way.  I am not accepting your standards.  I am not agreeing with your opinion.  Take this garbage out of here!"  Then I am back to the Serenity Prayer:

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and 

     supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

~Reinhold Niebuhr   

Thank you to the other bloggers I read that teach me what is garbage and what is not.  When you are raised in a dumpster, it is hard to know what is the garbage. 

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Comments at upsi's

I wasn't sure what I would write today.  One of my fellow bloggers upsi ( experienced the unpleasantness of an extremely rude comments on her page.  She didn't have to post what this person had written.  She has chosen to be open and let people speak their minds, even when comments are hurtful.  Her whole basis of her blog is to be honest in an environment that demands that the surface image is the only thing that counts.  The term used by psychologists is narcissistic.  I was able to relate easily to her blog since she wrote about her narcissistic mother that sounded almost identical to mine.  More importantly than that is upsi talks about respect, honesty, consideration, and great information on how people should treat each other.  I learn a lot every time I visit her page.  I learn how to show respect to my adult children.  I learn that some behaviors are not OK coming from a MOM.  To me that is the most important role I play in life.  I want to do a better job than how I was taught.  I have floundered along the best I could.  I had a counselor that went a long ways to teaching me how to behave like a healthy person.  upsi has helped in this teaching process to show me what parental respect should look like, sound like, and act like.  I am reading carefully and learning what I can do as a mother to be more considerate of my adult children (I wish there was a better word to describe my kids that are adults now, any suggestions would be welcomed.)  I am thankful for her willingness to share in her quest for respect as an adult.  My children are reaping the benefit.  Thanks upsi ~ you make a positive difference to me.    

Monday, March 14, 2011

Adding to the book list

I struggled with learning to read.  In high school I finally took a 'free reading' class where I discovered two things.  I read slowly and I don't like reading what my mother was always telling me I should read.  I read books like Black Like MeThe Little Prince, Bellevue is a State of Mind, I Never Promised You a Rose Garden and a huge list of other books that I think my mother would add to the ban list.  I also discovered Non-Fiction.  I found INPUT to the N'th degree.  I loved it.  When I was pregnant I was one of those lucky souls with morning, noon, and night sickness and used reading a good story to help keep my mind focused on something besides throwing up.  I have done my own research on hundreds of topics I am curious about.  Then I hit PTSD at a severe level and Dissociative Identity Disorder.  My reading became a huge challenge because the only ones writing about it seemed to be psychiatrist and counselors.  So when I do come across a book on it, I put it on my must read list.  Sometimes this is a tactical error.  I found the book Mother Had a Secret by Tiffany Fletcher.   Tiffany is the daughter of a woman with multiple personalities.  She wrote it from her perspective as a child living with a mother that she really didn't know who she should would be facing from day to day.  If I had any idea what was in the book, I would have waited until a vacation or a weekend.  I ended up taking a day off of work to read this book.  I read. I cried.  I read some more.  I cried while I read.  I couldn't help thinking about what would my kids write if they wrote a book about me.  If you are a person that wants to know how difficult living with PTSD and DID can be, this would be the book for you.  On the other hand, if you are a multiple or PTSD at a severe level, I would wrap this book in caution tape.  I am adding it to my book list because it has a unique perspective that I have never found before. Read at your own risk.  I am now going back and reading sections again with a calmer frame of mind.  There are some really interesting points.  Do keep the caution in mind.  

Testing, Testing 1, 2, 3....

I discovered an interesting problem.  I couldn't remember if I had put in a post about a book I read.  I decided to add a search widget which generated an unexpected problem.  The search results were unreadable on the dark background.  Being a bit geeky, I noodled around in the settings to see if I could find a way to get what I wanted and still read the pages.  I will be testing this week to see what comes up.  I also discovered that I hadn't posted on the book yet.  Memory is faulty as ever, but now I can use old age as an excuse.  :)

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Spiritual Wisdom

Sent to me by my sister.  Just had to share:

Twelve Rules of Spiritual Wisdom—Author Unknown

1.  God  wants spiritual fruit, not religious nuts.
2.  There is no key to happiness. The  door is ALWAYS  OPEN.
3.  Silence is often misinterpreted,  but never misquoted.
4.  Dear God, I have a problem, it's  me.
5.  Laugh every day, it's like inner  jogging.
6.  Blessed are the flexible for they  shall not be bent
out of shape.
8.  As a child of God, prayer is kind  of like calling
home everyday.
9.  He who dies with the most toys is  still dead.
10. It's all right to sit on your pity pot  every now and
again. Just be sure to flush when you are  done.
11. Surviving and living your life  successfully requires
COURAGE. The goals and dreams you're seeking  require
COURAGE AND RISK TAKING. Learn from the turtle, it  only
makes progress when it sticks  out it's neck.
12. Be more concerned with your character  than with your
reputation, because your Character is what you really are,
while your Reputation is merely what others think you  are

Friday, March 11, 2011

Lessons learned

I wrote down what I wanted to say in my counseling session.  My new counselor thought my points were good ones.  So what happened?  I talked about my childhood and the massive impact it had on my life, my faith in Christ, and told new counselor things that only 2 other people know.  I was physically wiped out by the massive drain it was to tell the story for the second time.  There are some things that do not get easier with telling.  Some memories that are so dark that the emotional distress of remembering causes physical pain.  Through it all, I believe that Christ is my Savior.  Suffering is not prevented but all suffering can be healed.  Christ knew where I was in my darkest hours.   He knows my pain for He has suffered it.  He knows my sorrow for He has felt it.  He knew where I hid in my shame, He drew me out and taught me to forgive myself since I was a child and did nothing wrong.  The first time I told was to KavinCoach before integration.  I couldn't cope any other way than nearly passing out and switching personalities.  KavinCoach gently led me through the ordeal, continually reassuring me that I was not at fault.  This time I knew what to do.  I called up my darling daughter-in-law with an excuse that I wanted to bring some plants I had bought for her.  I spent the rest of the evening in a loving home, listening to scriptures being read, childish 5 year old tantrums lovingly soothed, gentle conversation that soothed my battered heart.  I can not change my past.  More and more each day it is totally loosing its grip on me.  Some day ~ I may actually be able to tell the story without wrenching fear tearing at my heart because I told.  Today, I can feel peace.     

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Blessing before...

Many times we receive blessings after a hardship.  This week I received a delightful day to balance out today's body slam.  To ease my tired soul, I wandered over to Daughter-in-laws home and enjoyed an evening of visiting, scriptures, prayers, and hugs.  I think Grandma therapy is very good for me.  Tired I need to rest. 

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Beautiful day

Today I opened my email to find out that the Desert Botanical garden was free today.  I spent about 2 hours taking over 400 pictures most of them of butterflies. 

Monday, March 7, 2011

Living is feeling

 If you stop feeling, you stop living, even if you are still breathing. This is my perspective.

Have you ever had an experience where observing and sharing someone else's experience helps you to clearly define your own belief?  A fellow blogger was sent a letter that informed her that she needed to stop feeling hurt by the bad behavior of someone else.  Now I have been to the place of stopping all feeling.  It's gray and heartless.  No pain ~ No joy.  Dissociation is disconnecting from your feelings.  True you feel no pain, but you don't feel anything else either.  When I started counseling, my only wish was to be able to communicate with others.  It never occurred to me that in order to communicate you need to connect.  To connect you need to feel.  When you feel, you are open to being hurt.  The 'feel good' people think that the only feeling you should have is to be happy.  One emotion.  How sad.  There is a whole array of feelings that can be felt, processed, acted upon or ignored.  Acknowledging that you feel sad, mad, frustrated, hurt, or any of the painful emotions doesn't mean that you are stuck there.  Often when I express some less pleasant feeling, it is to acknowledge that the feeling is there.  Then I go on my merry way quite content at acknowledgment.  Sometimes I feel a need to do something about what I feel.  Sometimes I recognize that there is nothing I can do about what I feel.  I have learned from new counselor that sometimes if I 'sit' with a feeling long enough, I can feel it morph into something else.  To go from feeling very little to trying to catch up on life time of feelings has been a bit overwhelming from time to time.  Now I am starting to get the hang of this feeling thing.  I am fascinated that new counselor separates emotions from feelings where other people use the words interchangeably.  So many perspectives.  Like 31 Flavors, I think I am working out what my belief about feelings constitute.  I believe it is important to feel emotions and feelings.  I believe it is important to control my reaction to my feelings and emotions.  I believe I am responsible for consequences of acting on my feelings and emotions.  Most of all, I like feelings and emotions.  I can read something sad and feel empathy for the other person.  I can remember how I was hurt and feel outrage that I was treated poorly. It is really awesome to think about something or someone I love and have this wonderful warm buzzy feeling.  Too often, I believe, we look at a sliver of something and declare this is the whole thing.  Kind of like the blind men feeling the different parts of an elephant.  Depending on which part they grab influences the perception of the whole.  I have experienced some horrible feelings and emotions so vicious that stopping them at all cost was reasonable at the time.  Now I am stronger.  I have learned more from KavinCoach and new counselor and I am coming to a better understanding that life is for living and feeling. 

If you are interested in checking out the blog that triggered this post head on over to upsi with

You Don't Have to Dance for Them

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Interesting Phrase

To belittle is to be little.

I came across this phrase in one of my emails or widgets.  I made the mistake of not copying the source so now I don’t remember.  But I have heard it many different places.  It is one of those catchy phrases that makes you think about the meaning of a word.  Belittling was a tool used often in my childhood.  I knew whatever success I may achieve there was someone that would tell me that it had no value.  Usually that someone was in my family.  I puzzled over this desire to belittle or 'make small' someone you are supposed to love.  When I was a teenager I used the same tactic to "cut someone down to size."  I realized then that the only thing it did was show how small I was.  I sometimes struggle at not making cutting remarks since it was just about ingrained in me.   But I have taken the challenge to remove all remarks that put down, make less, or tell someone that what they did or who they are is not important. 

I decided to google the dictionary meaning and this is a quick summary:
minimize: cause to seem less serious; play down; "Don't belittle his influence"
disparage: express a negative opinion of; "She disparaged her student's efforts"
diminish: lessen the authority, dignity, or reputation of; "don't belittle your colleagues"
To knowingly say that something is smaller or less important than it actually is
denigration: a belittling comment

I learned the hard way what this does to a person.  One of the biggest challenges KavinCoach had was to convince me that I had value and worth.  I've come a long way.  I will continue my goal to see the value and worth of each person I meet everyday.

Friday, March 4, 2011

MLK quote

Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that.  Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.  Martin Luther King, Jr.

I grew up knowing about Martin Luther King, Jr.  My appreciation of him grew when I took time to study his life.  To me, his influence for good has reached far beyond his years.  This particular quote has crossed my way more than once.  This man understood unreasoning hatred yet he found ways to change opinions of so many.  He's one of my heroes.   

Thursday, March 3, 2011


Counseling session left me exhausted.  No thoughts of my own right now so I am sharing a link to a bunch of other people's thoughts on posters.

I need a reminder

You need only think about two questions: Where am I? And What time is it?  Those answers are always the same: Here and now.  May you stay in both.
A thought from InnerKiddies.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


A world gone crazy and being raised in it, the child believes that they caused the problem and they are the one that is crazy.  Children do not view the world from the outside.  The concentric circles around the child seems to the child that they were why these things happened.  (My opinion.)  I was over 45 years old before I finally sought counseling.  I didn't really go just for me.  I wanted to learn how to communicate better in my marriage.  I thought if I could just explain things then everything would be "all right."  I was shocked and bewildered to learn that my childhood had been so crazy I had adapted an elaborate form of survival called DID ~ Dissociative Identity Disorder, or sometimes labeled PTSD with Dissociation at a severe level.  I felt from the time I was 11 years old that something was odd about me.  Confirmed by my counselor I interpreted his diagnosis that I was indeed crazy.  KavinCoach reassured me that I wasn't crazy, I was a kid raised in insanity that learned a complex coping mechanism to survive.  I survived.  I didn't know how to live.  Years of counseling is teaching me to do that.  My most difficult hurdle ~ would anyone believe?  My fragmented memories were so weird, I didn't want to believe them myself.  So many told me how lucky I was to have such wonderful parents.  I would feel distressed and confused but my mind blocked 90% of my memories.  My mind refused to remember.  KavinCoach had to reassure me over and over again that he believed the wild tales I was remembering.  I would shake from the tremendous energy drain of telling a single memory.  I wouldn't eat before going to sessions for fear that I would throw up.  He watched as I finally opened the recess of my mind and told story after story that I felt no one would ever believe me.  He believed me.  
Years later, I started to blog.  I encountered others with blogs about childhoods warped by parents that to people on the outside could see nothing wrong.  How could any one complain about such wonderful parents?  Maybe, because those parents aren't so wonderful at home.  My life had an added twist of a sick pedophile neighbor that after he was arrested, tried, found guilty, and sent to jail, people bemoaned how awful it was that he was framed.  If people won't believe that he was a monster, how will they ever believe that this sweet lady called my mother would do things that were emotional abusive, neglectful, and left to me to go hungry.  In some ways the emotional abuse is worse to me.  Yet, now I read blogs that some one else has a mother like mine.  I want to tell them how real it is.  I want to validate that the craziness is what they were raised in; they did not cause it.  Just like I wrote a book for my children explaining to them that their mother was messed up to begin with.  Each one and their spouses are such a magnificent blessing to me.  I believe that my children and their families are part of my healing process and one huge motivation to keep learning to become the mother I wish I had, caring, loving, emotionally healthy.  So 8 years later I am still in counseling learning how to live and knowing someone believes me.   

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The world is Shrinking

I would never have believed over 30 years ago when I married and we started our family that today I would spend an hour on Skype talking to one son in China and another just a few miles away.  Conference calling for free is just right for me.   It makes me VERY happy.  Wonderful feeling.