Thursday, April 27, 2017

Others views

I am fascinated when other people post or write about the same things I am.  This week in a post from the Better Man Project, Evan Sanders shared this:

When we end the war we have with life our heart begins to open to everything as it is.

It's this idea of "things shouldn't be happening this way" or "they should be happening this way"  that causes so many problems. We never truly accept what is occurring and continue warring on.

I learned early on with my counselor that accepting myself and where I am is key to getting my feet under me so I can move in the direction I want to go.  Whenever I think about thriving I remember the line from the Cheshire Cat

Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?”
“That depends a good deal on where you want to get to,” said the Cat.
“I don’t much care where–” said Alice.
“Then it doesn’t matter which way you go,” said the Cat.
“–so long as I get SOMEWHERE,” Alice added as an explanation.
“Oh, you’re sure to do that,” said the Cat, “if you only walk long enough.”
(Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Chapter 6)

Some days I remind myself to keep walking....I'll eventually get somewhere. 

Monday, April 24, 2017

High Expectaionts

increase misery.....

I am watching someone else going through a rough time because in their mind certain things should happen.  They have high expectations of what their life should look like.  90% of their misery is tied to unmet expectations.  I used to beat myself up for not meeting unreasonable goals.  I had to lower my lofty expectations to ground zero.  How many times I heard....
It has been X amount of time, you should be able to do ________________.

Have you heard it?  Have you said it to yourself?  I do have goals.  Some mighty lofty, however, my awesome counselor pointed out that beating myself up does not get me any closer to my goals.  I need to think baby steps.....lots and lots of baby steps.  Long term goals need shorter goals.  Back sliding is not a reason to put myself down.  Two steps forward and one back is the starting of a ChaCha.  Reset my expectations to more reasonable goals.  Moving forward again.....getting results. 

Wednesday, April 19, 2017


Growing up there was a childish game of holding down your opponent and they had to say Uncle to be released. 

Free dictionary Idioms tells the story:

to admit that you have been defeated
Usage notes: In children's fights, a child being held down had to say 'uncle' before being allowed to get up.

I was good at refusing to say counselor told me more than once that I need to pick my battles and concede defeat sometimes.  He told me to lose my Do-or-die Attitude.  I looked at him very calmly and replied, "Without that attitude, I would have died."  He thought about the experiences I finally was able to tell him and he agreed, I would have died.  I am looking at different battles and I am selecting one or two to concede defeat and let myself fail. 

Do you know what?  I didn't die because I failed...hmmmm who knew?  One of the stranger struggles I endure is knowing when to let something go.  When to walk away from a fight.  I loved the quote, "You don't have to join every argument you are invited to."  Walk away.  Many battles are not worth fighting.  Save my energy for the things that are worth fighting for. 

Saturday, April 15, 2017

Easter Blessing

Easter is a time to contemplate my blessings, so many shower down on me.  Counting them starts putting a limit on what God can bless me with.  Thanking Him opens my eyes to more and more blessings.  I am thankful to my DH for so many things.  One thing he did was studied research on my joint complaints.  He learned that coconut water helps joints.  He shared the information with me.  What a blessing to easily walk up and down stairs when before I would walk up four stairs in our house in agony.  I am thankful for gainful rewarding employment.  I am thankful for kind people on the freeway that get out of my way when I make a mistake or let me merge into traffic when lines are long and tempers are short.  I am thankful for a variety of foods to eat.  Food channels to enjoy watching others make amazing dishes and Facebook to give me a new place to eat donuts....super yummy. Blessings big and small, tangible or felt, every day or once in a while they come in all sizes, shapes and varieties. The greatest of all He sent His son, Jesus Christ, to atone for my sins and bind up my wounded heart.  I am blessed. 

Friday, April 14, 2017

Rebuilding health

I am slowly rebuilding my health.  I am disappointed with how long I neglected myself and didn't do the things I know will help me feel better.  Surveyed the damage.  Putting routines back in place.  Not holding a grudge against myself.  Reassuring myself I can make healthy choices.  I believe that sometimes in our desire to look on the bright side we refuse to look at the damage in our lives.  Until I recognize the damage, I can't repair it.  I stopped watching a house buying show because the house showed stress cracks in the upper house that hinted strongly the foundation was damaged.  The guy bought the house anyway and the show was trying to get me to sympathize with the idiot for buying a badly damaged house then he is whining about how much it would cost to repair extensive damage.  Duh!!! He refused to look at and accept the obvious damage.  I think I was super irritated because I am refusing to look at my personal damage I did to myself for neglecting myself for the past year.  I need to pray for my enemies....I would be praying for myself because I am my own worse enemy. 

Monday, April 10, 2017

Holy Week

The week before Easter starting Palm Sunday on through to Easter is a time when I turn my thoughts more frequently to my Savior.  I also juggled with feelings deeply injured by those that used religion to hurt and harm.  I glanced over a few chapters on a self-help book about emotional abuse.  The author started ranting about this religion or that.  I learned through many years of my own personal research that there are good and bad people in every religion.  Some religions actually attract predators that see church members as sheeple, easy pray.  Abuse survivors share horror story after horror story of those that used religion like a cat-o-nine tail.  Spiritually beating people to death.  Religion becomes a tough subject to share.  Offenses and hurts by those that are offended by an offer to pray for them.  However, put that offer into the context of their experience and I recognize that when I am offering a silken cord they see a coil of barbed wire.  How do I know this?  Because this is how I described it to my counselor.  I knew he was trying to encourage me and give me strength but put into the context of my experience what he offered felt lethal instead of healing.  I went back to basics, tore out all the past lies, and worked through my own beliefs.  I started with, "Do I believe Jesus is the Christ, Son of God, Resurrected living being?"  Yes.  From there I rebuilt my faith from the ground up.  I started over with basics.  I read the scriptures myself.  I put well known scriptures back into contexts.  I sorted through the opinions spouted as facts.  I came to my own understanding that works like an unbroken thread that keeps me moving forward.  God is love.  He sent His Son.  This week I reflect and strengthen the basics. Many abusers see no point in believing in a God that would allow such horrible things to happen.  I think about what happened to His Son and He knows horrible things happen.  The understanding I came to was the Living Christ can heal me with a touch.  I am whole in His sight.  To Him, I can present a broken heart.  I am still working on the contrite spirit. 

I like the New Version of Footprints in the Sand:

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Enjoyed the day

I had a lovely day with grown children, in-laws, grandchildren, sister and Dad.  It was relaxing and fun.  I enjoyed digging around through books for the grandkids to find books that fit their school assignments.  One of my grandkids hugged me and told me how much he missed me since I was sick for several weeks.  Such a wonderful feeling.  A blessed reminder that today is what families are all about.  Peace, joy and sharing can exist in a family.  I am happy tonight. 

Friday, April 7, 2017

Weakest link

I learned long before counseling that I often reveal things about myself that I didn't realize myself until I share it.  My mother is in a care center.  A hip replacement started the ball rolling but the final decision was based on her increasing dementia.  I tried to visit her several times a week but the visits were getting more and more difficult.  I shared my opinion with my siblings about the issues involved.  I wrote that I would be reducing my visits since she saw me as the weakest link and badgered me more and more each visit.  I pondered why this seemed to happen.  Didn't take long for me to remember incident after incident after incident where I would give into to what she wanted.  I was raised with the 'peace at all cost' mantra and 'take care of your mother.'  The expectation was never that mother should care for me.  I was her care giver.  Designated provider of happiness and meeting her demands.  If I didn't, she would threaten, whine, demand until I gave in and I did give in over and over and over again.  I would set a boundary she would ignore it.  Before she broke her hip, I was going no contact with her as much as possible.  I reduced seeing her to about once a month and sometimes less. I was doing pretty good.  I liked how little I saw her.  Then she broke her hip in a bad fall.  I felt a ton of guilt.  I also struggled with my definition of who I was and what would I do regardless of my mother's behavior.  My sister and daughter categorically informed I was nuts for going to see her.  I did it anyway.  Weird, huh.  Then an incident came up with a formal complaint against a nurse.  I happened to visit the day my mother lodged the complaint.  The nurse was professional but didn't put up with her nonsense and constant demands and counter commands.  Yes, she would tell the nurse one thing then as soon as the nurse did it, mother demanded the opposite.  The nurse walked away.  I almost cheered.  The complaint was lodged.  I was able to explain to the nurses supervisor about mother choosing favorites and lying about those that are not favorites.  The complaint was reconsidered.  A different nurse was assigned.  We had a meeting with the doctor and he stated, "One person has your whole family in turmoil."  I needed to hear this from an outside source.  It was a relief to me to have someone else 'see' the insanity of 7 people running around frantically trying to appease one demanding person.  I learned at a young age that she would say, "He that's doing to doing does it their way."  However, the consequences are "do it my way or there will be hell to pay."  I walked on egg shells constantly jumping when she said jump.  She expects me to do the same now.  She expects me to volunteer to care for her, like I have always done.  The best years of our relationship was when I lived a 1000 miles away.  Over the phone we had a decent relationship because I still didn't know that my mother can talk the talk but doesn't walk the walk.  I decided for my own self-preservation I must reduce my visits with her because every kindness, every gentle gesture, in my mother's perspective is one more piece of evidence that I am the weakest link.  Her badgering, complaining, and tantrums are getting worse with me.  The longer she stays in the care center the more desperate she will become.  To her, I am always the weakest link.  They call it tough love for a reason because when you have a tender caring heart, it is tough to listen to her pleading and still say no.  No is the healthy loving answer even when she rejects it. 

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Slowly resuming life

Allergies high-jacked my life then complicated it making me susceptible to some nasty infection that I finally gave in and saw the doctor.  He took one look at my eyes and declared me a mess explaining that the gunky eyes were just the tip of the iceberg.  I am sleeping in a recliner so I can be mostly sitting up.  I have the energy of a moldy limp dishcloth.  I finally got back to work but couldn't make it to karate class.  I am bummed to feel so lousy.  Tonight I read a friends blog that described her virus attack and I thought....hmmm mines not so bad after all.  Nothing like a comparison with something worse to be thankful for what I have.  I feel like I am starting to regain my interesting in anything besides breathing.  Amazing how important breathing becomes when you feel like you can't bring in enough breathe without having a coughing fit.  I am also trying to reawaken my interest in anything else.  Medication is good, breathing is awesome, thankful to be on the mend.