TW shared an awesome comment that I don't want people to miss. Thanks TW
It's not about "holding grudges," "failing to forgive," "seeking
vengeance" or any other "failure" or negative connotation other's
believe motivate our need to curtail significantly or completely
terminate the relationship with our abuser(s.) It's not at all about
"the past:" It's about the Here and Now as their continuing pattern of
behavior makes the Past manifest in the Present. It is this on-going
behavior that lays bare their culpability as perpetual Serial Offenders.
Does it matter if the "motivation" is a difficult past, personal
edification or pure pathology?
There is in my conception a Moral
and Ethical framework for initiating and maintaining NC. When another
person-particularly one in a position of authority-demands we violate
our most deeply held morals, values, ethics, our very conscience, the
bedrock of who we are to use us as a Tool, they are seeking to break our
"moral back" so to speak. If you're successful in this endeavor (as
demonstrated on a societal basis by for example some petty tyrant or
dictator) you obtain "obedience" by engaging in a form of annihilation
of the other. You have destroyed them. You "own" the empty shell of what
remains of that individual that was "paid for" at the cost of their
Personhood. At best, they exist in a state of anomie. *Trigger Warning*
Not uncommonly, others commit suicide as a result.
Most of adult
life is lived in the grey areas between polarities. Unlike the
Authoritarian individual who resides almost exclusively in those
polarities, that does not mean non-Authoritarian individuals lack a deep
personal morality regarding Right and Wrong: It is because they DO, the
"cost" of their personhood (soul) is not negotiable.<This is exactly
what the abusers demand their victims relinquish.
It is that
relentless demand perpetrated on their targets all abusers continually
carry forward throughout their lives: The Past remains manifest in the
I hope this makes sense. I'm certain you can explain
this in terms of spirituality, Ruth. It's your goodness and decency that
"clears the room." Your moral "backbone" remains unbroken: It stands as
a rebuke in the screaming silence of NC. Unfortunately, even severely
curtailing contact does not protect from the effects of shrapnel to your
Another significant reason for feeling exhausted in every way.