Friday, June 8, 2018

Grudge or not

Ever been told to stop holding a grudge and do X, Y, or Z?  Ever noticed that the person accusing you of holding a grudge is trying to manipulate you? 

I like going to dictionary meetings.  I did copy this and shared the reference. 

1. noun
a feeling of ill will or resentment: to hold a grudge against a former opponent.
  1. adjective done, arranged, etc., in order to settle a grudge: The middleweight fight was said to be a grudge match.
verb (used with object), grudged, grudg·ing.
  1. to give or permit with reluctance; submit to unwillingly: The other team grudged us every point we scored.
  2. to resent the good fortune of (another); begrudge.
verb (used without object), grudged, grudg·ing.
  1. Obsolete. to feel dissatisfaction or ill will.

Origin of grudge

1400–50; late Middle English grudgen, gruggen, variant of gruchen < Old French gro(u)c(h)ier < Germanic; compare Middle High German grogezen to complain, cry out
Related formsgrudge·less, adjectivegrudg·er, nounun·grudged, adjective


See more synonyms on
1. bitterness, rancor, malevolence, enmity, hatred. Grudge, malice, spite refer to ill will held against another or others. A grudge is a feeling of resentment harbored because of some real or fancied wrong: to hold a grudge because of jealousy; She has a grudge against him. Malice is the state of mind that delights in doing harm, or seeing harm done, to others, whether expressing itself in an attempt seriously to injure or merely in sardonic humor: malice in watching someone's embarrassment; to tell lies about someone out of malice. Spite is petty, and often sudden, resentment that manifests itself usually in trifling retaliations: to reveal a secret out of spite. 4. envy.

 I looked through a couple of dictionary meanings to find one that fit what I thought of as a good definition.  I was interested by one of the dictionaries using the word grudge in sentences saying, "He doesn't grudge......"  To me, that is telling me what it isn't. 
Grudge is a feeling.  It is how you feel and motivation for what you are doing.  As mentioned above it is a dark negative emotion.  Now, if you read my blog long enough you will note that I embrace all emotions including dark negative ones.  To me, if I am feeling like I am holding a grudge towards someone that is my emotions waving a massive red flag that I have unresolved issues that need my attention.  I want to resolve those issues.  Sometimes that takes quite a bit of work, time and effort.  

The thing that I learned that sometimes the reason I do not want to interact with or do what a person wants me to do is not about holding a grudge.  I may not want to do something because I am doing something else.  Or I have no desire to do what I am asked to do.  Accusing me of holding a grudge to manipulate me, yea I was trained by a pro, I'll spot that a mile away and say no. I learned that making decisions from a place of bitterness, resentment, and hatred I am rarely satisfied with end results.  I am choosing a life based on what I want to do.  Choosing a course of action based on a grudge is a reaction to their behavior.  I don't want to do that.  To me, emotional freedom means my abusers and negative past experiences will no longer control what I do or don't do.  

I'll share a life example.  I was told that my refusal to visit my mother was holding a grudge against her.  That could be true.  She did enough to certainly earn some fairly high levels of bitterness and rancor.  However, I worked a long time to resolve those issues with her.  Bottom line, my mother is not safe for me to be around.  I wish her no ill.  I know from my experience that for me to be around my mother is unhealthy for me.  She let me know more than one time she has no regrets in how she treated me and to my face justified why she did what she did to hurt me.  I can't change her.  I don't need to.  Her choices are hers.  However, my not visiting her is not about me holding a grudge, my decision is about respecting myself enough to keep a safe distance.  

Part of the healing process is to take control of my life based on my values.  I believe that if I allow my negative feelings to make my decisions towards those that hurt me, they are still controlling me.  No, just no.  My abusers controlled me long enough.  I am giving them their eviction notice out of my head....therefore, I will resolve the feelings of bitterness, rancor, and hatred I feel towards them.  I am thankful for the counselor that taught me forgiveness is NOT reconciliation.  I can forgive a person's action but if their attitude towards me does not change, I believe it is foolishness on my part to put myself back in harms way.  Walking away does not mean I am holding a grudge.  Sometimes it just means I have better things to do with my time.  

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