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| http://thingsweforget.blogspot.com/ |
Saturday, July 14, 2012
You Don't Have To
Pam Young from Make it Fun & it will get done. http://www.makeitfunanditwillgetdone.com/
Friday, July 13, 2012
"Have to" vs Choice
A strong woman believes that she's strong enough to face her journey but a woman of strength has faith that it is in this journey that she will become strong! :)
If you have facebook https://www.facebook.com/
I grew up with a lot of 'have to's. I have to be up at a certain time...I have to have my chores done before leaving for school....I have clean the bathrooms just so....I have to........
You get the picture. Obedience was drilled into me like the only commandment. Stories of a little boy loosing his head because he backed away from his father's command to come away from the lions cage. Yes, death threats for obedience. I had to do a lot of things in my childhood or someone was going to die, most probably me. After awhile, the snap to obedience reaction just keeps on happening. I took the mind set into my marriage. Made the mistake of telling KavinCoach "I have to..." His quick response, "Was somebody holding a gun to your head?" I looked at him confused. I had done the "I have to..." for so long that in my own mind somebody held a gun to my head once upon a time but I hadn't figured out they had walked away. KavinCoach worked at trying to get me to see that I choose to obey. I choose to follow someone's request. I choose every action that I make. Layers upon layers upon layers of conditioning do not go away with one discussion. NewCounselor caught me saying the same thing..."I have to..." He pulled me up short and reminded me yet again of the change of wording. I was healthy enough by this time that when he explained why it was important to know that I was choosing a course of action was it put my personal power in my hands. When I said that "I have to _______" fill in the blank, I am turning my personal power over to someone else. In my job, I choose to show up everyday by 7:30 AM to keep my job. I changed my wording from "I have to get up" became "I choose to get up and be on time to work." Took practice. Lots of practice. Now if I catch myself saying "I have to...." I look around and check and sure enough there is no lion cage nor anyone holding a gun to my head. I then take the time to figure out why I am choosing to do whatever I am doing. KavinCoach and NewCounselor were right. I give my personal power away every time I say, "I have to...." To reclaim my power, I rephrase and commit to what I am doing. I own my actions. I am the one with the power.
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| Tenaciously living on a rock. |
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Consequences
Anciently there was a custom in some cultures that royalty could not be punished for wrong doing. A prince or princess would have a whipping dog or slave that would be whipped for them. There would be no personal consequence for their action. Today, there seems to be an out cry by people wanting to have what they want without paying any personal consequence. They want to age without looking aged. They want to eat whatever they want without gaining weight or getting sick. They want to be strong without exercising. They want to drive recklessly without having an accident. They want to speak rudely and still have friends. They want to behave however they want and everyone else needs to just accept them the way they are. They want to take without paying the cost. They scream that they are free to choose what they want then scream just as loud when they don't like the consequences. I am very big on choice. I am equally big on taking responsibility for those choices. How did I get to this feeling?
Growing up as a kid I remember getting many a spanking because my mom was pissed off at my dad. At Thanksgiving, I remember enduring rages from my mother because she wanted everything to be perfect for this yearly gorging on food of every kind and description. Numerous occasions when I was screamed at for something my brothers did because they took off and I was left with being the instrument of releasing her frustration. It was expected of me. I was a bad daughter if I objected. I was told that was just the way she was, I needed to adjust. The expectation was it was my job to take my mother's abuse. After I was in counseling, I finally rebelled. I started with not attending Thanksgiving dinner. I live less than a mile from my parent's house so I didn't have the excuse of not being in the area. I just refused to go. I called my sister, picked her up without going in the house, and then we went to my daughter's house for Thanksgiving dinner. It was a wonderful day. Such a relief not to be screamed at for some small infraction because my mother was so uptight about a perfect dinner. Wow, did I hear about this from other family members. (Except, my sister who thought this was a brilliant plan.) I was told how mean I was for not even coming in to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. I was in the dog house. Well, it was a happy Thanksgiving for me and I took responsibility for my actions and I didn't complain when I received criticism for my decision. There I had it, the first step of choosing how I wanted to live my life. I discovered that 'have to' really isn't the command I thought it was. I really can choose. I will also take the consequence of that choice.
Another example was in my last semester of college I took an online class on personal writing. The teacher would assign us reading assignments then we would comment on a message board followed by a writing assignment on the same theme, humor, drama, etc. One of the stories required was about a woman's experience getting a lap dance in a strip bar. I figured that if a man had given this assignment the entire class would be screaming sexual harassment. Since it was a woman teacher everyone was expected to comply. I emailed her and asked for a different reading. She tried bullying me into reading by saying I was the only one objecting. I stood my ground. The emails became more and more intense until I told her that it was sexual abuse to force me to read this. She nearly came unhinged. I then sent her the dictionary definition of what sexual abuse was. She then threatened to throw me out of class. I would need this last credit to graduate, without it I would need to spend another semester going to school. I CC'd KavinCoach on the emails. He talked to me at my next session and persuaded me to step back and do what I needed to do to graduate. I still refused to read the short story. Finally, the teacher agreed to a different reading and I could no longer comment on the board with everyone else. She isolated me to an independent study. I thought fine. She wants to play rough I am OK with this consequence. I later read the board comments about the story I refused to read. Several students complained that it was not worth reading or just too crude. I suspect the teacher was trying to prove how broad her horizons were by expecting students to read stories that were as objectionable as possible. She discovered one student that would not comply. I was floored when I got an A in the class. I was thrilled to graduate. I have no respect for this woman teacher all though she wrote and told me how she had been sexually abused. I respected her even less because she did not learn compassion for others from her experience. I didn't take the incident to school authorities because the school had a reputation for supporting liberal ideas and wanting to have their professors set the standard for the world. I knew any complaint by me would result in more negative abuse heaped on me with no consequence for the teacher. I did fill out the survey with a brief description of being treated disrespectfully. As far as I know the teacher is still teaching. She may or may not be using the same story. Doesn't matter. I learned that I could stand up for what I felt was best for myself and the world would not end. I learning to embrace the power of choice. I am learning that there are consequences for every choice I make. Some of my consequences I may not like but they are my consequences because I made the choice.
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| Some choices look like this. Which would you want to grab? |
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Nature, nurture, choice......
"It is our choices...that show what we truly
are, far more than our abilities"
- J. K. Rowling
Nature, nurture, choice......
I read the debates over and over again. Each time I am pulled toward choice for very concrete reasons.
I experienced nature myself when my thyroid quit. I was tired, irritable, depressed, and basically feeling like I was 'going to hell in a hand basket.' Landed in the hospital. The nurse asked me, "Did you know your thyroid had quit?"
"No - Why should I?"
"Well the symptoms are tiredness and depression."
"This would be different in my life how?"
Nature dictated that a part of my body quit that supports how I feel. Medication brought back sunny days and feeling rested.
I was not nurtured as a child. In fact, just the opposite. I experienced things that put me in the realm of severe child abuse cases. If I was living today as that child, I would be taken out of my home. This difference was brought home to me years ago when I was standing in the lobby of a high school. One of my kids was small and bored with the presentation. The other woman also walking the hall with her toddler gushed, "Don't you wish you were in high school again? Away from all the worries and responsibilities?"
"No - I barely survived it the first time. No way would I do that again."
It was very obvious to me that my high school experience was vastly different from hers.
That leaves me with choice. My experiences and body have had a huge influence on my choices. In my 30's, I was severely depressed and my body collapsed. I could barely be up for 20 minutes a day. An acquaintance challenged me that I just had to put my mind to it to overcome the difficulties I was facing. Mind over matter. So I tried it out. I decided I would put the dishes away. I finished about half the dishes and slid down the cupboards to land on the floor where I stayed for a long time unable to move. When my kids came home, the oldest ordered me to go back to bed. I crawled back to bed. I learned, "If you don't mind it, it doesn't matter." I could choose to beat myself over my body not functioning or I could choose to do what I could whenever I could. This is when I chose to live 5 minutes at a time. Amazing what could be accomplished in these tiny increments.
I also chose to treat others differently than I was treated. The first book I read by choice was the New Testament of the Bible when I was in elementary school. The books I still remember are all books about choosing to live differently than how I was taught. Counseling accelerated my study. Counseling was a choice, a big one. It altered my life forever. I can not go back to not knowing the things that I learned. I don't want to. Nothing is the same for me. Not how I view my childhood, not how I view my family of origin, not how I view myself. I chose to change everything from the inside out. I believe in the power of choice.
I remember early in my counseling I made the mistake of saying I 'had' to do something. KavinCoach asked, "Was somebody holding a gun to your head?" At first, I thought he was making fun of me. He pushed harder to get me to see that time and again I choose to turn my freedom and power over to someone else. I was taught to do this as a child. I didn't learn to separate and take control of my life until I was in counseling. I didn't live the life of an average teenager. I didn't learn that I had the power to make choices for myself about EVERYTHING. Every morning, I have a second chance to decide how I choose to live my life. I have habits that are difficult to overcome. However, I have the power to choose. I am not giving that power over to nature or nurture. My body may not be as strong as I would like it to be but I can do what I can to live healthy. I can not make my thyroid work again but I can take the medication I need to make up for it. I have the power to choose.
- J. K. Rowling
Nature, nurture, choice......
I read the debates over and over again. Each time I am pulled toward choice for very concrete reasons.
I experienced nature myself when my thyroid quit. I was tired, irritable, depressed, and basically feeling like I was 'going to hell in a hand basket.' Landed in the hospital. The nurse asked me, "Did you know your thyroid had quit?"
"No - Why should I?"
"Well the symptoms are tiredness and depression."
"This would be different in my life how?"
Nature dictated that a part of my body quit that supports how I feel. Medication brought back sunny days and feeling rested.
I was not nurtured as a child. In fact, just the opposite. I experienced things that put me in the realm of severe child abuse cases. If I was living today as that child, I would be taken out of my home. This difference was brought home to me years ago when I was standing in the lobby of a high school. One of my kids was small and bored with the presentation. The other woman also walking the hall with her toddler gushed, "Don't you wish you were in high school again? Away from all the worries and responsibilities?"
"No - I barely survived it the first time. No way would I do that again."
It was very obvious to me that my high school experience was vastly different from hers.
That leaves me with choice. My experiences and body have had a huge influence on my choices. In my 30's, I was severely depressed and my body collapsed. I could barely be up for 20 minutes a day. An acquaintance challenged me that I just had to put my mind to it to overcome the difficulties I was facing. Mind over matter. So I tried it out. I decided I would put the dishes away. I finished about half the dishes and slid down the cupboards to land on the floor where I stayed for a long time unable to move. When my kids came home, the oldest ordered me to go back to bed. I crawled back to bed. I learned, "If you don't mind it, it doesn't matter." I could choose to beat myself over my body not functioning or I could choose to do what I could whenever I could. This is when I chose to live 5 minutes at a time. Amazing what could be accomplished in these tiny increments.
I also chose to treat others differently than I was treated. The first book I read by choice was the New Testament of the Bible when I was in elementary school. The books I still remember are all books about choosing to live differently than how I was taught. Counseling accelerated my study. Counseling was a choice, a big one. It altered my life forever. I can not go back to not knowing the things that I learned. I don't want to. Nothing is the same for me. Not how I view my childhood, not how I view my family of origin, not how I view myself. I chose to change everything from the inside out. I believe in the power of choice.
I remember early in my counseling I made the mistake of saying I 'had' to do something. KavinCoach asked, "Was somebody holding a gun to your head?" At first, I thought he was making fun of me. He pushed harder to get me to see that time and again I choose to turn my freedom and power over to someone else. I was taught to do this as a child. I didn't learn to separate and take control of my life until I was in counseling. I didn't live the life of an average teenager. I didn't learn that I had the power to make choices for myself about EVERYTHING. Every morning, I have a second chance to decide how I choose to live my life. I have habits that are difficult to overcome. However, I have the power to choose. I am not giving that power over to nature or nurture. My body may not be as strong as I would like it to be but I can do what I can to live healthy. I can not make my thyroid work again but I can take the medication I need to make up for it. I have the power to choose.
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| Choose to grow wherever I am |
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
'Perception' the TV series
Pam Young from "Make It Fun - The secret to being organized." http://www.makeitfunanditwillgetdone.com/ Daily Surprise! shared:
I can choose...to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me, or I can choose to move on and leave it behind me. ~ Anonymous
Hollywood likes to be a mover and shaker of ideas. Sometimes it really bothers me when they start portraying mental illness. 'Perception' is a new TV series that the main character is a schizophrenic professor that helps a former student solve crimes. I watched the pilot last night. There were several things that they portrayed that functioned like red flags to me. One of the minor characters that is mentally ill can no longer understand language so picks up quickly on lies. I guess the message was that no matter how mentally ill you are you can be used for something. Defining human beings by their illness is always a slippery slope. Another concept is the theory that his delusions are just his subconscious trying to help him solve the problem. Almost portraying that all delusions are just the mind trying to help us. Unfortunately, some delusions and our own mind is sometimes trying to harm us. In the class the professor teaches, he portrays the idea that there really is no such thing as reality. Kind of a twisted 'what ever you perceive is real or not.' But then the show illustrates his dependency on a young student to tell him if the person he is talking to is real or not. This part reminded me strongly of the movie "A Beautiful Mind." They also have the character off his medication. The series down plays how dangerous such a choice can be. Not using medication for serious illnesses can have a difficult backlash. Yes, I believe this country is over medicated. I had an up close and personal experience of a grandmother who was a legal drug addict. However, just quitting taking medication used to help balance the brain chemicals can cause extremely negative back lash. There are pros and cons to this but the over all feeling is that people view mental illness as a form of entertainment. When some people found out I had multiple personality they seemed to expect me to 'say something in multiple.' Like I was a performing dog that could do cute tricks. On one hand, I appreciate awareness being raised that mental illness does not make me less of a person. But I also hate the feeling of people thinking that my struggle with mental illness is a parlor trick for their amusement. I think I will continue to watch the show for a while because I am kind of curious where the director will take the concept.
I can choose...to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me, or I can choose to move on and leave it behind me. ~ Anonymous
Perception (TNT)
When it's on: Mondays starting July 9
Who's in it: Eric McCormack, Rachael Leigh Cook, Jamie Bamber, and LeVar Burton!
What it's about: A smart neuroscientist works with the FBI to solve tough cases! But he's also weird and suffers from paranoid schizophrenia, which drowns his career and personal relationships with a total bummer shower. One day, television will write a procedural about a well-adjusted person of average intelligence who solves cases by following the rules. This is not one of those days.
http://www.tv.com/news/our-10-most-anticipated-new-shows-for-summer-2012-28786/
McCormack portrays Dr Geoffrey Pierce, "an eccentric neuroscientist who uses his unique outlook to help the federal government solve complex cases. With an intimate knowledge of human behavior and a masterful understanding of the mind, this quirky, crime-solving professor pulls lessons from an odd and imaginative view of the world."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perception_%28U.S._TV_series%29
Hollywood likes to be a mover and shaker of ideas. Sometimes it really bothers me when they start portraying mental illness. 'Perception' is a new TV series that the main character is a schizophrenic professor that helps a former student solve crimes. I watched the pilot last night. There were several things that they portrayed that functioned like red flags to me. One of the minor characters that is mentally ill can no longer understand language so picks up quickly on lies. I guess the message was that no matter how mentally ill you are you can be used for something. Defining human beings by their illness is always a slippery slope. Another concept is the theory that his delusions are just his subconscious trying to help him solve the problem. Almost portraying that all delusions are just the mind trying to help us. Unfortunately, some delusions and our own mind is sometimes trying to harm us. In the class the professor teaches, he portrays the idea that there really is no such thing as reality. Kind of a twisted 'what ever you perceive is real or not.' But then the show illustrates his dependency on a young student to tell him if the person he is talking to is real or not. This part reminded me strongly of the movie "A Beautiful Mind." They also have the character off his medication. The series down plays how dangerous such a choice can be. Not using medication for serious illnesses can have a difficult backlash. Yes, I believe this country is over medicated. I had an up close and personal experience of a grandmother who was a legal drug addict. However, just quitting taking medication used to help balance the brain chemicals can cause extremely negative back lash. There are pros and cons to this but the over all feeling is that people view mental illness as a form of entertainment. When some people found out I had multiple personality they seemed to expect me to 'say something in multiple.' Like I was a performing dog that could do cute tricks. On one hand, I appreciate awareness being raised that mental illness does not make me less of a person. But I also hate the feeling of people thinking that my struggle with mental illness is a parlor trick for their amusement. I think I will continue to watch the show for a while because I am kind of curious where the director will take the concept.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Hang on to Happiness
This mornings email had a wonderful quote from Pam Young http://www.makeitfunanditwillgetdone.com/
Then mulderfan directed me to an awesome blog by Scatha
http://scatharisingfromashes.blogspot.ca/2012/07/injunctions-and-drivers.html
To me, this is how blogging community works. One person is struggling with a problem then things start popping up that help create a solution. That's how a solution comes for me. I first have to recognize I have a problem. (Yes, there were many years when I was a multiple that I didn't know there was a problem.) Next, I start looking around at what other people have done about a similar problem. Because it works for me, I read anything I can get my hands on. (Some of my medical problems I found out that I can go to the hospital library and use their books as long as I don't check them out. I would have a medical dictionary to look up words as I read medical journal articles written for doctors.) Then I pray about it and this is where the amazing stuff happens. Something comes in my email that I didn't expect. Someone else that I read regularly posts something that puts in another piece of the puzzle. While I am sleeping, thoughts connect together that I have not previously put in the same book let alone the same page. I don't get the kind of miracles that everything is instantly shown to me. I work for it a bit at a time with pieces falling together that I hadn't expected or rearranged. Like having a puzzle piece and staring at it not knowing how it fits and someone comes along and turns the puzzle piece over wa-la it now fits. Sometimes I just need a different puzzle piece. There are also times when I am going over the same territory. I remind myself what Zig Zigler said about motivation, “People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.” Thank you Lord and thank you to every angel that posts their story. (I know that some people posting don't feel like an angel but that is how you seem to me when I am needing help. To me, angels are helpers of the very best kind.) I am feeling much better this morning. Thank you.
Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket.
Then mulderfan directed me to an awesome blog by Scatha
http://scatharisingfromashes.blogspot.ca/2012/07/injunctions-and-drivers.html
To me, this is how blogging community works. One person is struggling with a problem then things start popping up that help create a solution. That's how a solution comes for me. I first have to recognize I have a problem. (Yes, there were many years when I was a multiple that I didn't know there was a problem.) Next, I start looking around at what other people have done about a similar problem. Because it works for me, I read anything I can get my hands on. (Some of my medical problems I found out that I can go to the hospital library and use their books as long as I don't check them out. I would have a medical dictionary to look up words as I read medical journal articles written for doctors.) Then I pray about it and this is where the amazing stuff happens. Something comes in my email that I didn't expect. Someone else that I read regularly posts something that puts in another piece of the puzzle. While I am sleeping, thoughts connect together that I have not previously put in the same book let alone the same page. I don't get the kind of miracles that everything is instantly shown to me. I work for it a bit at a time with pieces falling together that I hadn't expected or rearranged. Like having a puzzle piece and staring at it not knowing how it fits and someone comes along and turns the puzzle piece over wa-la it now fits. Sometimes I just need a different puzzle piece. There are also times when I am going over the same territory. I remind myself what Zig Zigler said about motivation, “People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.” Thank you Lord and thank you to every angel that posts their story. (I know that some people posting don't feel like an angel but that is how you seem to me when I am needing help. To me, angels are helpers of the very best kind.) I am feeling much better this morning. Thank you.
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