Nature, nurture, choice......

"It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities"
- J. K. Rowling

Nature, nurture, choice......

I read the debates over and over again.  Each time I am pulled toward choice for very concrete reasons.

I experienced nature myself when my thyroid quit.  I was tired, irritable, depressed, and basically feeling like I was 'going to hell in a hand basket.'  Landed in the hospital.  The nurse asked me, "Did you know your thyroid had quit?"
"No - Why should I?"
"Well the symptoms are tiredness and depression."
"This would be different in my life how?"
Nature dictated that a part of my body quit that supports how I feel.  Medication brought back sunny days and feeling rested.

I was not nurtured as a child.  In fact, just the opposite.  I experienced things that put me in the realm of severe child abuse cases.  If I was living today as that child, I would be taken out of my home.  This difference was brought home to me years ago when I was standing in the lobby of a high school.  One of my kids was small and bored with the presentation.  The other woman also walking the hall with her toddler gushed, "Don't you wish you were in high school again?  Away from all the worries and responsibilities?"
"No - I barely survived it the first time.  No way would I do that again."
It was very obvious to me that my high school experience was vastly different from hers.

That leaves me with choice.  My experiences and body have had a huge influence on my choices.  In my 30's, I was severely depressed and my body collapsed.  I could barely be up for 20 minutes a day.  An acquaintance challenged me that I just had to put my mind to it to overcome the difficulties I was facing.  Mind over matter.  So I tried it out.  I decided I would put the dishes away.  I finished about half the dishes and slid down the cupboards to land on the floor where I stayed for a long time unable to move.  When my kids came home, the oldest ordered me to go back to bed.  I crawled back to bed.  I learned, "If you don't mind it, it doesn't matter."  I could choose to beat myself over my body not functioning or I could choose to do what I could whenever I could.  This is when I chose to live 5 minutes at a time.  Amazing what could be accomplished in these tiny increments.

I also chose to treat others differently than I was treated.  The first book I read by choice was the New Testament of the Bible when I was in elementary school.  The books I still remember are all books about choosing to live differently than how I was taught.  Counseling accelerated my study.  Counseling was a choice, a big one.  It altered my life forever.  I can not go back to not knowing the things that I learned.  I don't want to.  Nothing is the same for me.  Not how I view my childhood, not how I view my family of origin, not how I view myself.  I chose to change everything from the inside out.  I believe in the power of choice.

I remember early in my counseling I made the mistake of saying I 'had' to do something.  KavinCoach asked, "Was somebody holding a gun to your head?"  At first, I thought he was making fun of me.  He pushed harder to get me to see that time and again I choose to turn my freedom and power over to someone else.  I was taught to do this as a child.  I didn't learn to separate and take control of my life until I was in counseling.  I didn't live the life of an average teenager.  I didn't learn that I had the power to make choices for myself about EVERYTHING.  Every morning, I have a second chance to decide how I choose to live my life.  I have habits that are difficult to overcome.  However, I have the power to choose.  I am not giving that power over to nature or nurture.  My body may not be as strong as I would like it to be but I can do what I can to live healthy.  I can not make my thyroid work again but I can take the medication I need to make up for it.  I have the power to choose.

Choose to grow wherever I am