Sunday, September 4, 2016
I haven't felt well for awhile. Today I wanted to attend church and help with the youth group we supervise. When I arrived for the ladies meeting they were sitting in circles. I was late so wasn't aware of why. Looking around I realized we were set up in age/experience groups. We were to discuss what is the best/worse of each stage of life and how we can help each other. Ok. I can handle this. I was participating and keeping my comments short. I heard the ladies state several assumptions of what life is like for them. I didn't offer my perspective. Then we were asked what we could do to help each other. Hot button for me. Severe mental health problems are not a welcome subject. I struggle with feeling judged and found wanting. I didn't realize how upset I was until I picked up my sister to come to our house for dinner. I erupted. The woman that proclaimed that we shouldn't judge others was the same person that judged me and my family and used us as an example of a failing family. Away from the women's group I let some of the bitterness flow out. I experienced on more than one occasion a total lack of compassion or understanding of what I live every day. I don't get days off for good behavior. I try to cope with limited energy. I try to engage when I feel able but I often get the message, "I am not enough." So I pull back, withdraw, I can't expect them to understand my struggles with PTSD. I can't allow their views to put me down. Another woman said the same thing about not judging others and I agreed easily. Same message from a different person had me seething with rage of the injustice of her piously spouting the opposite of what she has done. Reminder to self.....church is a hospital for spiritually ill humans not a resort for the already saved. Deep breath. My belief in Christ has nothing to do with church members. My attendance at church is about my relationship with God. These are His children and we hurt each other, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose. I am thankful for my sister letting me vent without feeling judged. Thanks Judy.