Sunday, September 4, 2016

Shocking response

I haven't felt well for awhile.  Today I wanted to attend church and help with the youth group we supervise.  When I arrived for the ladies meeting they were sitting in circles.  I was late so wasn't aware of why.  Looking around I realized we were set up in age/experience groups.  We were to discuss what is the best/worse of each stage of life and how we can help each other.  Ok.  I can handle this.  I was participating and keeping my comments short.  I heard the ladies state several assumptions of what life is like for them.  I didn't offer my perspective.  Then we were asked what we could do to help each other.  Hot button for me.  Severe mental health problems are not a welcome subject.  I struggle with feeling judged and found wanting.  I didn't realize how upset I was until I picked up my sister to come to our house for dinner.  I erupted.  The woman that proclaimed that we shouldn't judge others was the same person that judged me and my family and used us as an example of a failing family.  Away from the women's group I let some of the bitterness flow out.  I experienced on more than one occasion a total lack of compassion or understanding of what I live every day.  I don't get days off for good behavior.  I try to cope with limited energy.  I try to engage when I feel able but I often get the message, "I am not enough."  So I pull back, withdraw, I can't expect them to understand my struggles with PTSD.  I can't allow their views to put me down.  Another woman said the same thing about not judging others and I agreed easily.  Same message from a different person had me seething with rage of the injustice of her piously spouting the opposite of what she has done.  Reminder to self.....church is a hospital for spiritually ill humans not a resort for the already saved.  Deep breath.  My belief in Christ has nothing to do with church members.  My attendance at church is about my relationship with God.  These are His children and we hurt each other, sometimes by accident, sometimes on purpose.  I am thankful for my sister letting me vent without feeling judged.  Thanks Judy. 

5 comments:

Judy said...

You're welcome. :-)

Sue Botchie said...

Dear Ruth, I don't fit in with the perfect people at church either. Two things keep me going: because the Lord commands us to come together for worship of Him. The other reason I continue is I am afraid that if I stop attending worship, I'll end up apostate ( and rejected and thrown in lava-lake). Far better people than I can ever hope to be ended up walking away. As for the perfect people who basically think I'm an idiot (or worse) they can think what they will - I am a basket- case. But it's not about me, it's all about the Lord, and what He thinks. Happy Labor Day.

Ruth said...

Thank you Sue for sharing your perspective and your experience.

Jenafer Bauerle said...

I loved reading this. Recently we found that our women's class had gone unplanned. A meeting was scheduled and the person in change had completely dropped the ball. None of us was upset. We joked about what to study or do with our, now unplanned, extra hour. We began to talk about the challenges that each of us faces. The common theme was the attack, from outside our homes on who we are. It didn't matter if she worked outside the home or was a stay at home mother. There was no difference in those who cook from scratch and those who like to order out and toss together microwave meals.

Here is what we learned for an hour. Satan will and does use any means to attack who we are, to focus on what we are not doing, instead of our relationship with God. By keeping God central and understanding His perspective, we can let go of trying to be perfect and enjoy the perfection we can embrace today through His grace. We are all playing on the same team, when Satan convinces us that we are not enough we can reply with all our power of heart that while he may have power to bruise our heel, we have power to crush his head. Sending love and hugs.

Ruth said...

Thank you Jenafer.