This week had one emotional explosion after another. I am trying to tread water but feeling a bit like hurricane Matthew is lapping at my shores and I live in a desert. Go figure. I am trying to sort through my collage of thoughts. I am using my newly learned art therapy techniques, breathing, and remembering who's job is it. I was raised to cater to and take care of others regardless what it does to my own health. One of my teachers at school ended up in the hospital but was so worried about grades she came back to work to fill out the grades. I hovered and watched over her until she was safely in her car on her way home. I felt deep compassion and concern for her.
Friday, my mother broke her hip during one of her many falls. She will walk through neighbors yards, clutter of chairs in every room then wonders why she stumbles and falls. In the last year, I know of her taking about a 5 or 6 falls that caused enough damage to be worrying to me. My mantra it is not my job to keep her safe. This time she fell twice and the second time finished herself off with a broken hip. Rather than call 911 she had my dad get her up and out to the car for a dr. visit. I find it very disturbing that I feel more concern for the teacher than I do my mother.
I know that part of counseling helped me grieve for the mother I never really had. I lived with Jekyll and Hyde. When I am alone with her, I never know when she will lash out. In public, she is always super sweetly nice. Causes gag reaction on my part because I know what is waiting as soon as we are alone. For several years now, I am under strict instructions from my sensible self to never be alone with her. I went by to visit her tonight and I see this scrawny old woman in the bed with dark sunglasses on thrashing around frantic because she can't see. The nurse gently took the glasses off and I hear her, "Oh it is my daughter." Yup, it's me. I stayed long enough to get an update. When the nurse talked about her sky rocketing blood pressure I responded, "Oh like you had happen in August." The nurse perked right up. She wasn't aware that the blood pressure was an on going problem. My mother said that it didn't happen. Then she chattered on about the other times she watched her blood pressure spike and stayed home monitoring it or ignoring it. The nurse started asking more question but I had to tell I only knew that much. It is not my job to keep my mother safe, comfortable or cocooned in her fantasy world she lives in.