Friday, March 31, 2017

Change is essential

My sister wrote that Change is Inevitable, embrace it.  I reached the point of change or die.  Melodramatic?  Passed out driving yesterday.  Hitting the curb jarred me to consciousness.  Guardian angel put on the brakes.  I stopped nose to nose with the neighbors parked car.  I have to admit that allergies are kicking my butt.  Struggling on to meet obligations is not doing myself any favors.  Putting myself in the middle of a shit storm is not helpful either.  I don't have the emotional reserves to weather the out pouring of rage dished out by my mother.  I haven't seen her for 3 days and I am finally starting to balance out.  Change is essential to my survival.  I drive an hour or more a day on the freeway....passing out driving on the freeway instead of a residential street could be lethal for me or somebody else.  Sometimes with health issues, PTSD, and other challenges it really is change or die.  Sadly current statistics estimate 20-25 deaths per day because of PTSD.  Over-whelming thing for me is what do I change?  I like my job, but they are asking so much from me now.  I love karate but feel too sick to go.  I love my kids but feel unable to visit or have them over for dinner.  I love DH but I sit down to visit and fall asleep.  Not looking good for me.  One thing on my list causing the greatest distress is visiting my mother.  I think I need to reduce the number of visits for my health and well being.  Taking turns does not mean I need to go every other day.  Backing off is a healthy choice, now I need to convince my 'mean boss.'  Yup, my counselor pointed out years ago that I have this awful mean boss that expects me to go above and beyond to a ridiculous degree.  Go to work early, stay late, visit your mother everyday, clean and cook dinner that is delicious and nutritious....exercise, do this do that....yea, that nasty boss is me.  Fired her once, I can fire her again. 


Judy said...

Stop SHOULDING on yourself!

Ruth said...

Great reminder. Thanks