Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Changing and unchanged

I spent 10 years working with counselors to change how I function in the World.  Yet with all that work there are still parts of me that remain unchanged.  My counselors often spoke about my core.  The very essence of who I am.  My Spirit, unchanging and eternal.  I was born into a home that maintained the facade of loving bliss and harmony.  Threats, shaming, and deliberate lies maintained this front.  People still believe it.  Every once in a while I encounter a person that tells me how lucky I am to live in such a loving family.  The rage instantly rises, lately to boiling over with a single comment.  I changed so much within myself but outwardly I still do some of the same things.  Reason and thought behind the actions changed but some behaviors remain the same.  I question myself, "Did I actually change? So much remains the same."  Refer back to my core.  It didn't change.  Finding that core and honoring my values, that changed.  I learned at my father's knee, 'Peace at all cost.'  By my teen years, I knew that would cost me everything, my values, my honor, my very soul must be compromised when seeking 'peace at all cost.' A chameleon hides itself by blending into it's surrounding.  One is never quite sure the actual color of a chameleon the change is almost instantaneous.  It adapts, always. Try to confuse a chameleon with a multicolored surface, no problem it will adapt to that too.  Stopping adapting necessitated figuring out what are my values, what is honor, and who am I.  That changed.  I don't adapt quite so easily.  People that were accustomed to pushing me around call me mean and unreasonable since I no longer do their bidding.  I found my backbone.  I chose my color.  Counseling taught me to live, a human being with rights and privileges of living.  Took 10 years to scrub away layers of garbage to find my soul.  That changed everything.   

1 comment:

mulderfan said...

So confusing as a kid to be told how "lucky" I was to have such a great father when the night before he'd beaten my brother unconscious for spilling some food.
Today, I know that I AM "lucky". I survived and thrived!