Saturday, January 29, 2011

Fell in a black hole

Ever have a moment in time when you were just cruising along and someone said, "Hey what do you know about this?"  So you got take a gander and blip, you drop into a dark hole.  I did that tonight.  I was reading some information on DID and integration.  I wandered over to the author's web page where she shared her abuse story.  I used to be able to read these without being bothered in the least.  Not any more.  Integration put me in touch with how she felt at the time of the abuse.  I don't think I will make that mistake twice.  The author did warn me.  I just hadn't taken into account how much integration has changed me.  I am not sorry for the change, but I do need to be a bit more self protective.  When the sign says don't go there, DON'T. 


mulderfan said...

Sounds a lot like grief. My husband died almost three years ago but sometimes a sudden memory will drag me back down the black hole and the grief is once more completely gut wrenching like in the beginning.

The other day I filled my car with gas in the freezing cold and then found myself sitting in the car and sobbing so hard I couldn't drive. My husband had always made sure the gas tank was full!

In my mind a gnarly hand reaches out of a dark well and snatches me into the darkness. I climb back out toward the light, shake off the slimy water and carry on with my life. Then,I try to avoid wandering too close to the edge again.

You're a survivor, Ruth, and you'll always find a way to climb out, but sometimes taking a peak over the edge makes us stronger.

Ruth said...

Thanks mulderfan, I appreciate your encouragement. I hadn't thought of this to be like suffering grief. This gives me another perspective to consider. You had a special husband to make sure you had gas in the car.