You know how it is when you are talking to somebody else and you think you are giving them really good advice, if you just listen maybe it is what you need to hear. I did that this week. A friend was struggling with a loss. No one died, the relationship changed because of circumstances she couldn't control. She was annoyed with herself for not moving forward. I suggested that she might need more time to grieve the loss of someone important. I reread the email and had a "Doh" moment. My son is in the process of moving to China with this lovely wife. I am really sad he is moving. At the same time I am happy for him and his wife for their new adventure. My counselor moved. I am really bummed. I am feeling like I am regressing instead of progressing. Wait, think. What did I say to my friend? Oh yeah, maybe I need to allow myself to grieve for the major changes in my life. Add to this I am really happy for another son who is marrying a beautiful young lady. More major changes but this one I feel only happiness. Before integration, I knew how to do this. Each of my alters would have dealt with each issue. Now, I have integrated and I have to feel all these different conflicting emotions and not go to pieces. You know being a singleton is really hard somedays. I looked up Grief on a web dictionary. The meaning for grief was established a hundred years ago. Thousands of people today are feeling grief for one reason or another. I do not get a 'get out of Grief' card just because I finally integrated. Now, I get to feel things I have not fully felt before. I think I need to give myself more time to work this through. I am learning that Grief has a component of depression but is not just depression. I experienced depression before. This feels different. Like a child that just picked up a dangerous, sharp object I feel almost compelled to explore it. I believe I will take breaks from my studies to rejoice in the new addition to our family. Grief and joy seem to be able to coexist. Most curious.
Grief \Grief\ (gr[=e]f), n. [OE. grief, gref, OF. grief, gref, F. grief, L. gravis heavy; akin to Gr. bary`s, Skr. guru, Goth. ka['u]rus. Cf. Barometer, Grave, a., Grieve, Gooroo.]
1. Pain of mind on account of something in the past; mental suffering arising from any cause, as misfortune, loss of friends, misconduct of one's self or others, etc.; sorrow; sadness. [1913 Webster]
2. Cause of sorrow or pain; that which afficts or distresses; trial; grievance. [1913 Webster]
Take a look at the date Webster defined grief in 1913 and it hasn't changed much. What has changed is that I can feel it. What hasn't changed I still deny it. What has changed I can recognize the really good advice I gave to someone else. I need to grieve. I need to allow myself to say this really upset me. I am sadden by the loss. Unfortunately, loss doesn't come in ones. Sometimes more than one thing happens at a time.
7 comments:
I tried to hide from the loss of my husband by drinking. Not allowing myself to move through the stages of grief accomplished nothing. When I sobered up and ALLOWED myself to experience those feelings it was hard but ultimately it was the only way to let him rest.
Once again, Ruth, we have to show compassion for OURSELVES by setting our own pace for healing.
For me it is easier to have compassion on somebody else than I do for myself. Part of this year using my strengths is extending the compassion I have for others to include me too. Thank you mulderfan for sharing your experience with grief.
Buddha said, "If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete." Also, "Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own negative thoughts."
First, love yourself, Ruth!
Somethings you grieve all your life, but only at particular moments. And that's okay, too. Grief is not a bad thing. However, some people teach it is bad, and it's difficult to unlearn.
mulderfan, KavinCoach agrees with you. First ~ love yourself.
Anon, any emotion other than pleasantly happy was unacceptable in my growing up years. If I was too excited that was squelched. If I was too sad I was accused of being ungrateful. Unlearning that emotions are bad has been an interesting challenge. I suspect that part of loving myself will be to allow myself to feel all the emotions including grief.
I am so grateful for your blog and for all the comments your fans make as well. For so long I thought I was weird and alone with so many of my struggles. I could not share my feelings. Still not brave enough to share my name (but at least I'm sharing some of my feelings). It's nice to know that others are feeling the same way I do! Thanks for your courage to share. Grief is hard. I'm still learning how to deal with it without switching (not too successfully yet) but I'm learning. Now I'm thinking it might be even harder as a singleton (not so comforting and encouraging as I try to integrate!) I'm not giving up though. Thanks for helping me learn and cope!
You are doing great. Learning something new is always difficult at first. I am starting to negotiate things better. Went to a party and enjoyed most of it. This is new and nice.
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