Someone else's post

I found this on someone else's post.  When I read it, about ten million fire crackers went off at the same time.  Have you watched the cartoons where the bomb is swallowed and it explodes inside without killing the character then smokes comes out of their ears.  It was kind of like that.  If you are a person that believes that Fate controls all,  please, stop reading now.  Otherwise expect to be offended because I am sick and tired of people seeing a bad situation and shrugging their shoulders with a glib "IT IS WHAT IT IS." Now I agree that when the horror at the World Trade Center in New York City, the Pentagon in Washington, and the plane crashed outside of Philadelphia was blaring from every computer screen in the computer lab my grief was delayed. The week before I found out I had cancer.  Then I thought of the thousands that would not be going home that day and my cancer suddenly became fairly minor outpatient surgery.  In that bubble of time, I watched the shared horror and grief of others who recognized the horrendous actions of that day. Terrible things happened that can not be undone.  I could do nothing about it.  

This clip at the top wasn't sent to the survivors of that terrible day.  It was sent to a son by a parent.  Now it is my theory, please don't correct me if I am wrong, that a personal relationship with a person as close a parent/child relationship a lot more can be done besides sit and watch the carnage.  HELLO!!! Glibly shrugging your shoulders and saying 'it is what it is' does several really terrible things.  The statement screams I don't care enough to change what I can change.  I don't care enough to take responsibility for my actions.  If what I did was unintentional, I don't care enough to apologize for my unintentional action.  If I accidentally bump in to a stranger, I will apologize but you are just family ~ Deal with it after all 'it is what it is.'  To me, this attitude is cruel and heartless.  In my estimation a parent that says this should lose there standing as a parent.  Get a grip.  Take responsibility for your behavior and start improving your relationship.  Sometimes that starts with taking a good hard look at yourself.  Stop wallowing in your self pity and start seeing those around you as people of worth.  

So why would a small statement tick me off so much.  I grew up hearing over and over, "That is just the way your mother is, you have to love her.  After all she is doing the best she knows how."  Sounds reasonable - on the surface.  Now dig deeper.  Repeatedly she was told she needed counseling.  She didn't want to, it hurt too much.  NO SHIT.  After seven years in counseling, I will agree IT HURT.  But I was on a mission.  My behavior was hurting those around me and myself.  I went to counseling.  I worked at changing.  I check in with those around me and try not to hurt them.  I don't always succeed.  So then I apologize.  I know from personal experience stating 'it is what it is' IS a cop out.  A cop out that really hurts those closest to you.  I was really messed up in my childhood, I can not change my past.  My past 'Is what it is.'  I can change my present and my future.  I do not have to leave it that way.  I can learn a better way than what was taught to me.  Another reader, mulderfan, sent me one of my favorite poems and she kindly found the entire poem:

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;

Enjoying one moment at a time;

Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;

Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;

Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy in this life and 
     supremely happy with Him

Forever in the next. 

~Reinhold Niebuhr

I hope that 2011 I may continue to get emotionally healthy and improve the most important relationships that I have, my family.  My past may be carved in stone but the present is in sand.  I can alter the pattern NOW, TODAY.  I am sorry a fellow blogger is in a situation that anyone would send such a heartless statement.  I hope he can surround himself with people that do care enough to want to improve what can be changed.  


I am editing this post to include mulderfan's comment that helps to clarify an important point:
Glad you enjoyed the Serenity Prayer. It gets me through a lot of situations!

"It is what it is" is one of the slogans used at AA meetings. The "momster" who used it to avoid responsibility for her actions basically took a useful expression and twisted it for her own purposes.

At AA meetings we use it to accept the things we cannot change. A lot of AAs have control issues and we have to learn to let go of things that are beyond our control and in doing so let go of resentments that feed our addiction. It is NEVER used to justify our own inappropriate actions because we work hard to understand that only WE are responsible for those.

I'm with you, Ruth. Seeing someone like that pervert a useful slogan pissed me off!