Grief Part 2

Last week was a tough week in AZ.  People in Tucson were randomly killed because they were close to a person that had a political view different than the shooter.  My friend buried her father who died the week before when she buried her mother.  These two elderly people had been part of a string of break-ins into elderly homes.  A lousy Christmas this year.  I felt so sad for my friend but I can not lift her burden of grief for her.  I did share a web page that specializes in providing a space to remember a loved one.  

http://www.alwaysloved.org 
A place to remember ~ web page


How does one grieve for a relationship that dies but the person is still alive?  When it is a spouse, a divorce happens, then there is a healing process that may or may not happen but when people ask, the simple, "I'm going through a divorce," says so much.  Instantly you have supporters and some people that understand.  Death, divorce both have definite endings.  The experiences are painful but a single word gives a ton of information.  


How does someone explain that a narcissistic parent just doesn't have the ability to show love?  Two years of counseling to convince me that the relationship I dreamed of as a child would never happen.  I would never be the child that could be loved by my parent.  Of course, the horrible nest that gets built up inside my head is what did I do that I can't be loved.  Even as an adult the concept is difficult to wrap my mind around.  She can say the words but the actions don't match and will never match.  The sadness goes heart deep but what do you say when someone who knows your parent tells you how lucky you are to have such a loving parent?  I grieved.  I didn't want to let go of the hope that beings that both of us were alive this would still be possible.  Letting go of the hope, allowed me to grieve.  And allowed me to accept what she could offer.  Her version.  Grieving allowed me to let her be herself instead of what I wanted her to be.  I grieved a long time.         


How do I explain the grief I felt when I integrated?  I had a bunch of people that were with me 24/7 sort of.  Sort of because most of my life we could only be out 1 at a time.  Through counseling I got to know all of the alters then I made a decision to integrate.  I became one again after 45 years of being a group.  Some days I really miss them.  Inside my mind can get really quite now.  I cry.  Then I remember that nobody is really missing.  They are all here with me.  I can remember yesterday, the day before, and each day ~ I am all here.  Living as one person is different and sometimes really difficult.  Part of my confusion in grieving is my joy of being me again.  Hugs from my adult children and their families expand my world of love far beyond anything I dreamed possible.  I grieve but I am not sorry I made a life changing choice that made me one again.