Lessons learned

I wrote down what I wanted to say in my counseling session.  My new counselor thought my points were good ones.  So what happened?  I talked about my childhood and the massive impact it had on my life, my faith in Christ, and told new counselor things that only 2 other people know.  I was physically wiped out by the massive drain it was to tell the story for the second time.  There are some things that do not get easier with telling.  Some memories that are so dark that the emotional distress of remembering causes physical pain.  Through it all, I believe that Christ is my Savior.  Suffering is not prevented but all suffering can be healed.  Christ knew where I was in my darkest hours.   He knows my pain for He has suffered it.  He knows my sorrow for He has felt it.  He knew where I hid in my shame, He drew me out and taught me to forgive myself since I was a child and did nothing wrong.  The first time I told was to KavinCoach before integration.  I couldn't cope any other way than nearly passing out and switching personalities.  KavinCoach gently led me through the ordeal, continually reassuring me that I was not at fault.  This time I knew what to do.  I called up my darling daughter-in-law with an excuse that I wanted to bring some plants I had bought for her.  I spent the rest of the evening in a loving home, listening to scriptures being read, childish 5 year old tantrums lovingly soothed, gentle conversation that soothed my battered heart.  I can not change my past.  More and more each day it is totally loosing its grip on me.  Some day ~ I may actually be able to tell the story without wrenching fear tearing at my heart because I told.  Today, I can feel peace.