Saturday, September 5, 2015
I hope you never understand
Every so often I come across a post that shakes me because I was there. Years ago, before counseling, I became of the mind set that I was a burden to my family. I started believing the lie they would be better off without me. The things I thought I was doing to help, actually made my problems worse. I coated over the problems I was having. I hope you never understand where I have been.
In counseling, all those nightmarish memories began to solidify, again the lie that I was a detriment to my family and they would be better off without me tried to take center stage. My counselor threatened, conjoled, basically used ever angle he could think of to persuade me to not believe the lies in my mind. I felt useless, dirty, mangled...what good was I? He asked me what good was my cat? The poor little fur ball was dumped in our yard...her ear is permanently bent, she's terrified of the world, and can't be pet for very long. She's half wild and I can't imagine not seeing her every day. My counselor realized that the type of child abuse I endured made it so I wasn't afraid of dying. When he asked me if I was afraid, I laughed and quipped back, "They can only kill me once." This is one of the challenges of working with someone that faced the threat of death so many times that 'kill me and be done with it' started to be reasonable. PTSD survivors sometimes are more afraid of living than dying. After all they can only kill you once.
PS. I thought I posted this but when I checked my blog I didn't see it. Apparently God knew I wasn't finished with it yet.
When darkness surrounds and negative thoughts and feelings wash over me like a tsunami, I look for a pinprick of light. A single thought to focus on. Here is a list of a few that helped me make it through a dark time in my life....
I need to feed the dog.
I have children to take care of.
I don't want my children to find me dead.
I don't want to explain to my Savior, Jesus Christ, that I came home early because life was too hard.
I don't want my abuser to win. He wins if I carry out his last command for me to kill myself.
I need to feed my cat.
I can do anything for 5 minutes. Life is doable 5 minutes at a time.
My counselor will have me put in a psych ward and tied down, if I give into my dark feelings of self harming.
Who will take care of my kids if I die?
What do I have to live for????? find something....anything....to keep my focus on until morning.
It only takes the smallest of light, a pin prick in the dark, to keep your life focused and live. I only see the stars when the night is darkest.