Sunday, May 20, 2018

Hot buttons

I go along for quite a while then out of the blue someone lands on a hot button.  I can go from cool to white hot in about 10 seconds or less.  Heaven help the person that stepped on the hot button.  I go along thinking I have myself under-control, then I am rudely reminded just how precarious that hold is.  I work hard to keep myself and my thoughts in my domain and by my terms.  I am discouraged when I slip up and let my feelings take the driver seat.  Then I remind myself that I am oh so human.  It is the inhuman that are untouched and unaffected by emotions, tragic events, and life experiences.  I pondered this last few weeks that we are all born vulnerable.  Without proper care, an infant cannot survive on their own.  Meeting needs for food, shelter and human interaction are basic needs.  Infants cry to get them.  Denied over years, eventually a child stops crying for what they need.  Eventually, a child can be brutally trained to want nothing, hope for nothing, expect nothing except more hardship.  My counselor and I had a conversation how adults will dissociate temporarily when an emergency occurs then fall apart when the event is all over.  He expressed that he didn't know why some children stay dissociated.  I pointed out that on Monday I was going to go hungry at breakfast, and the same thing will happen on Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  When was the emergency going to end?  I behave like a refugee, I hide food in my drawers at work, I hide it in cupboards at home.  I stash and hide food just in case.  One janitor pointed out that I could be locked in my office for a week and still survive.  Hot buttons remain, because when does injustice and cruelty end?  I'm writing this now to not say I was justified in being upset by someone's comment but to accept that such comments still upset me for a reason.  Somethings simply linger on much longer than we expect and accepting ourselves is kind and compassionate.  Doesn't stop me from trying to improve, just not beating myself to be reminded that some subjects are best left alone. 

Perspective can change but somethings remain the same. 

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