Keep your fork

http://www.inspire21.com/stories/faithstories/keepyourfork


The best is yet to come.  


I listened to a 20 something rhapsodizing over high school, "the best years of her life."  I didn't have the same reaction.  My feeling was I survived it once I sure don't want to do it again.  Many people look over their shoulders at childhood, elementary, or high school as the absolute ideal age to live.  Or perhaps college is held up as the best days ever.  My early years were a struggle, my teen years I battled enmeshment and denied effects from childhood.  I didn't expect to live long enough to graduate from high school.  I am now a grandmother.  I love it.  I love sending sweet grandchildren home with their parents.  I am happier than ever in my life.  I am starting to truly believe that life is keeps getting better and better.  In this life and the one after, the best is yet to come. 

Towering trees over 1000 years old.

What goes up....

must come down.  My body does not love me and holds a grudge.  I spent Fall break National park hopping with DH.  We started in Death Valley and the dunes then wandered up to Mono Lake.  Then over the pass at Yosemite.  I took pictures of Half Dome and El Capitan made famous by Ansel Adams.  Then off to the Redwoods and a life long dream to see where the movie "The Gnomemobile" was shot.  Then back down the middle of California to stroll through the Sequoias.  Explored Boyden cave then off to admire General Sherman. Finished the amazing week at the Lava tubes in Flagstaff, AZ.  What a week we had.  My body slowly recuperated from the hectic trip.  I knew there would be a day of payback.  It wasn't if, it was when.  Today was the day.  I missed work but chose to go to karate.  I love going.  After an hour of the 90 minute class by body packed it up.  Fortunately, I am well familiar of the early symptoms of passing out.  I sat down before I fell down.  My body reassured me exactly who calls the shots in my life.  My mind can push my body but my body pushes back.  I accept the limitations because I have to.  It was an awesome week and so worth one day of feeling like a wilted dandelion.  I'll rest and go again tomorrow.

Death Valley

Sand Dunes

Mono Lake

El Capitan

Redwoods

Fallen Giant

Morning before Sequoia National Park

So close

General Grant

Overlooking Kings Canyon

Boyden Cave

Largest living anything.  Several blue whales could fit inside.

Redefing Beautiful

My sister shared a wonderful post on defining beautiful. 
http://theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com/2014/10/14/beautiful/

Years ago, I was reading a romance novel that the term 'introverted Quasimodo' was used.  I always remembered it.  The meant the person was beautiful on the outside and twisted and ugly on the inside.  Today's culture obsesses over outward beauty.  I remember years ago hearing a story about a little boy being lost.  When asked for a description he described his mother as the most beautiful woman in the world.  When they finally found the boy's mother frantically looking for her son she was not the 'beauty' they were expecting.  Her face was plain and her clothes the same.  However, to the little boy she was beautiful.  This illustrated to me that what you look like on the outside doesn't matter as much as who you are on the inside.  Before counseling, I thought I was an ok person with a few life challenges.  However, counseling created a safe place and my mind remembered.  The soul deep ugliness that tore my childhood to shreds.  I wondered how I could be beautiful with so much ugliness inside.  I withdrew from family and friends because I didn't want this ugliness to leak out and harm them.  My first counselor described the process I would be going through of cleaning out the emotional and mental garbage out of my life.  It was tough and painful.  This summer I was tossed back into the cesspool.  I know the process.  Clean up and remove junk.  I know what needs to be done.  Inner peace doesn't come easily for me.  It is an on going battle to leave my past behind.  It keeps trying to intrude on my life again.  Day by day I choose to embrace honor, kindness, gratitude, courage, and all the other emotions. 

Keeping things beautiful?

Which of your traits and personality would you like me to avoid having and why?

  This is a series of post answering questions posed by Kevin's daughter.  I asked permission to answer each of these questions as if I was answering my adult children.  I will also include a link to Kevin's answer. (I don't read his blog until after I write mine.)

 http://voicesofglass.wordpress.com/2014/09/28/which-of-your-traits-and-personality-would-you-like-me-to-avoid-having-and-why-qtapwmi-day-17/

17.  Which of your traits and personality would you like me to avoid having and why?

I believe this is another question that every parent ask themselves.  Parents often work at changing themselves so their kids don't pick up their bad habits.  Since all you have your own kids you will understand the frustration of our children picking up on your bad habits much faster than our good ones.  I remember in high school reading a story about "Why Mommy spanks me."  The little boy in the story talks about watching his Dad working on the car and smacking his hand, the father jumps up and down and says a queer word.  The little boy goes on to say that he jumped up and down and said the same queer word.  His Mommy spanked him.  I swore I wouldn't do that.  Heavy sigh.  I found that too often you kids were punished for things I unconsciously taught you.  There is a reason for cliches such as, "Do as I say not as I do."  Lets face it, parents mess up.  Our kids watch us. 

Mental illness adds a difficult dimension to an everyday occurrence.  PTSD is documented as being catchy, especially by kids who's parents have PTSD.  I was devastated when I recognized the connection between difficulties I saw in my children lives with my behavior.  I was inconsistent.  I was a difficult mother to have.  I had monster fears that were difficult to negotiate.  I really struggled with a huge feeling of guilt because of my inability to care for the family.  Being in bed for seven years does not make for a great way to raise a family. I can quickly think of a whole slew of things I hope my children avoid having in their lives.  I believe the worse trait that impacted our family is my complete disconnect.  Not showing emotion leaves little room for relationships.  Disconnect cuts you off to family and friends even Heavenly Father.  I don't see this trait in any of you.  I remind myself that darling husband, DH, was also your parent.  He doesn't disconnect.  All of you have your own strengths that will help you counteract any and all challenges coming from me.  That is what I believe.  I pray for you and hope you will over come all of life challenges.    

Guiding light

In the Lava Tube we clambered deep into the Earth following the cave tube left behind from flowing lava about 700,000 years ago.  This is a self-guided tour.  The forest service recommends taking two flash lights per person in case batteries fail or flashlight gets dropped and/or broken.  Without your own light the darkness of the tube is absolute.  DH and I ventured down when another group was coming.  We watched their bobbing lights come to the opening and we waited our turn.  The descent was rated moderately difficult by the forest service.  I would have rated it difficult.  Not life threatening but tumbled rocks that looked solid weren't.  Steps were large and my feet dropped into darkness without seeing exactly where I set my feet.  My husband went a little ahead with his light and I followed with my light.  I learned several interesting things.  I learned that I trusted DH.  If his light disappeared I knew there was a corner or a low section that hid his light.  I knew with perfect calmness that he was waiting for me.  I learned that I felt better with him ahead as a goal for me to get to but going at my own slow rate.  I learned that shining the light right at my feet was not very helpful.  I needed the light about 2 to 3 feet in front of me.  I learned that occasionally I needed to pause, shine my light around to get a better idea of what was to come, then pick a better path for me.  My shorter legs and precarious balance, I  need to carefully step over loose rocks which made following DH's footsteps exactly a poor choice. I also felt more confident moving forward knowing that at any time I could say I needed to go back.  We didn't make it all the way to the end of the tube because I knew that my legs still needed to carry me back out.  After going about 3/4 of the way, I suggested we turn back and head out.  I was happy that my legs made the distance.  I was tired and pleased with no anxiety attack or fear.  This was huge for me.

What did I learn about guiding lights and following them?  

I learned that looking ahead is helpful.  Where I am at will take care of itself if I keep my goals in mind.  Big goals are helpful but the smaller goals get me there.  I learned that I need to modify my path to fit my needs and limitations.  Doing exactly the same things as someone else does not help me meet the long term goal.  Stopping to look around and assess my progress is helpful in allowing myself to adjust my path as needed.  I believe using spiritual guidance is similar to this experience. The tiniest light can push back the darkest places. 

   

Which of your traits and personality would you like to pass on to me and why?

  This is a series of post answering questions posed by Kevin's daughter.  I asked permission to answer each of these questions as if I was answering my adult children.  I will also include a link to Kevin's answer. (I don't read his blog until after I write mine.)

http://voicesofglass.wordpress.com/2014/09/27/which-of-your-traits-and-personality-would-you-like-to-pass-on-to-me-and-why-qtapwmi-day-16/

16.  Which of your traits and personality would you like to pass on to me and why?

I believe this is a question that almost every parent asks themselves at some point in time.   As most of my kids have found out, children tend to learn parental bad habits long before they learn the good ones.  There is another question with in this question....What are my admirable traits?  Living with mental illness in the form of PTSD, my less admirable traits and short comings tend to demand center stage.  It is hard to recognize my concern for others if I can't remember my children's names.  My love for hiking is buried when I can't walk through the grocery store.  My desire to give service is hidden under mounds of dishes waiting to be done in our kitchen.  Do you see the dilemma?  So I thought and pondered about this question.  I finally decided that I hope that you learn faith from me.  Faith in your Savior, Jesus Christ.  Faith that there really is a loving Heavenly Father with a beautiful plan for you.  Faith that you will be punished for your own sins and not mine.  Faith that you were born with gifts to traverse this challenging world.  Faith in yourself.  I believe if you have faith everything else will be added line upon line as you gain understanding.  This world wasn't meant to be easy.  We were sent here on Earth to be tested.  A test implies challenges.  One of my challenges is PTSD.  One of your challenges is a mother with PTSD.  I believe with your own faith you can achieve your hearts desire.