Monday, December 13, 2010
Confession
Several years ago I didn't celebrate Christmas. No tree, no decorations, not one Christmas Carol, zip, nada, nothing. I made Scrooge seem down right jolly. The source of my decision - I was PISSED. I was so freaking angry at God I wanted nothing to do with celebrating Christ's birth. So what was the source of my anger. Some people assumed that I was angry at finding out that my wonderful childhood was a fantasy I made up since I couldn't remember my own. Way different. The year with no Christmas was the year I realized I was the worse thing that happened to my children. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder with dissociation (DID or MPD) at a severe level is wickedly hard to live with and even harder when that person is your parent. I felt that Christmas the terrible burden of knowing I really messed up as a mother. My switching, inconsistencies, blackouts, health problems wrecked havoc on my family. The grief I felt was profound. I couldn't go back in time and give back my children's childhoods back to them. Over time I learned what Christmas was all about. The "Good News" of Christ birth. What I messed up, Christ can put right. My mistakes can be repaired. By the following Christmas my anger diminished as I "Followed Him" and changed how I live. This Christmas season I spent two weekends celebrating birthdays of grandchildren and daughter-in-law. My children are amazing, thoughtful, fun people. I am thankful that I am their mother. Christmas is back at the top of my list of favorites. Not because of the gifts but because of the Love.
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7 comments:
Thanks for this post. I've struggled with Mom guilt a lot over the years. It's gotten less painful, but it always lurks in the back of my mind.
My wonderful son's positive and loving attitude has helped me to stop beating myself up so much. He keeps telling me I did so many things right, over the years. My son's 25 yo. and I'm 51.
Being a Christian since I was 8, is the reason for my daily strength and peace and the reason I didn't commit suicide numerous times since I was a teen. I have frequent panic attacks and the only thing that helps me is reading favorite encouraging verses in my Bible.
I'm getting help from a counselor every two weeks. Seeing my childhood through adult eyes is sometimes nearly unbearable. Digging around in my past has clarified a lot of things for me. A big, surprising plus is that I have more compassion for myself and a higher regard for myself, too. I guess I'm starting to see myself more the way Jesus sees me:)
I'm glad you're having a good time with your children and grandchildren. Have a blessed Christmas. Happy birthday, Jesus:)
Jasmine
Ruth, if you did "mess up", you certainly didn't do it out of malice. It was beyond your control at the time. Sounds like you have a good relationship with your family NOW and that is the most important thing. We can't change the past but we can change ourselves and it sounds like you're doing a great job of moving forward.
Hugs, mulderfan
Thank you so much for sharing that. I too have felt the same burden and reacted similarly. While I'm sorry you went through that I'm glad I'm not alone. I'm glad you can enjoy Christmas again! As a great (the best) therapist told me, "The fact that you continue to try is what matters the most. You have made excellent strides toward getting healthy, it just takes time. As your children watch you continue to try and be the healthy mother they need, that in and of itself is a wonderful gift you are giving to them. Keep moving forward!" That helped me and continues to help me when I think I'm the worst thing that ever happened to my kids. He also is fond of saying, "If perfectionism were a prerequisite to parenthood, there would be no parents." It's obvious you love and care about your kids - I'm sure they knew it too. I'm glad your kids understand and love you. You are amazing!
I think the hardest thing I ever did was finally admit how angry I was at God, but I did understand that He could not work in my life if I wasn't honest. I came to realize that it was better to be angry and tell Him, then to stew, isolating myself from Him. As long as I keep talking to Him (sometimes it was yelling at Him), there was hope because sooner or later I'd wind down. Then I'd feel that gentle prompting, "Child, are you ready to listen, now?" No greater Love. ~Laurel Hawkes
you have an amazing family, and I'm glad you were able to come to the realization of the true meaning.
Thank you Jasmine for sharing. I am glad to hear you are having a higher regard for yourself. Sounds like you have an awesome son.
Thanks mulderfan. You are right my “mess up” was totally unintentional. I am thankful for what I have learned to become a better person.
Anonymous I totally agree with your Great therapist. Thanks for sharing his perspective.
Laurel you write so beautifully what I learned too. He is so patient. Thanks.
Anonymous I do have an amazing family and grateful for them.
*hugs*
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