Massive change

I am going to state this up front.  I hate change.  Good change - bad change - I don't care why change, I don't want to do it.  Then it happens and I cope and then I wonder why I was so worried.  Then I remember some of the more spectacular changes, like they day I was told, "You have cancer."  9 years clear of cancer and I still remember the gut wrenching terror of those words.  I have moved cross country several times.  For about 7 years, we moved every summer.  Each time learning to adapt to a new environment takes time for me.  I married a person that likes abrupt changes, instant answers and can walk into almost any situation and be comfortable.  That is not me.  For years, I could give the illusion of an abrupt change.  If you ever watch Sybil or are acquainted with a multiple personality, an emotional trigger can turn them instantly into a different person.  From my perspective, switching personality was the ultimate form of hiding from change even though I didn't know I did it.  Then integration happened.  I chose it.  I wanted to be healthy and healthy people do not switch personalities to hide from changes or consequences.  So now, I am faced with a massive change for me.  KavinCoach is moving to another place and job.  I am happy for him and hope the very best for him.  I can't switch to cope with this change for me.  I have now met several times with my new counselor.  Unsure, frightened, and wondering what am I looking for or waiting for...  I finally realized that for so many years I was told what to think, feel and be that the very concept of what do I want is difficult to wrap my mind around.  Today I finally figured out what I am trying to understand - do I actually want to talk to this new counselor?  KavinCoach was way different.  My husband and I went together for marriage counseling and I had no idea that I was the biggest problem.  Discussions started slowly.  Finding out I had no memory of my childhood gave me no clue as to what I was about to enter the toughest problem of my life.  Cancer was a piece of cake compared to what I learned in KavinCoach's office.  The bottom line is I want to continue to change into a healthy adult with all the responsibilities, choices, and challenges that go with that role.  I still have several really big holes in my understanding about life and how healthy adults behave.  I continue to need a second opinion that is healthy and not too close to the problems I face.  The new counselor seems willing to talk to me and has already made some excellent points that I need to consider in my every day life.  (I still tend to say I 'have' to do something when in reality I am choosing to do it.  He pointed out that this is a significant difference.  KavinCoach has told me the same thing.)  I realized today that I am at the peaceful place of seeing a massive change and feeling like I can move forward.  I will not curl up in a little ball and give up.  I will find this new path as interesting as the one I just left.  Massive change happens and I can cope with it.