Sunday, May 31, 2015

More and more choices...

I am back on the Maladaptive schema and the things that my counselor taught me to counter act each one.  There isn't one of them that I can't change when I understand that I have choices.  I need to learn more and work hard but not impossible.

Judy's 13 - 18  

13. SELF-SACRIFICE  –      Excessive focus on voluntarily meeting the needs of others in daily situations, at the expense of one’s own gratification.  The most common reasons are:  to prevent causing pain to others;  to avoid guilt from feeling selfish;  or to maintain the connection with others perceived as needy.  Often results from an acute sensitivity to the pain of others. 

This gets complex when you add religion.  Sacrificing for others 'should' be a good thing unfortunately like all human things we tend to distort, misplace, and mess up this concept.  Sadly, I've seen people turn their lives over to someone that could careless about them.  They self-sacrifice for nothing.  Again this is another situation where setting appropriate boundaries help both the survivor and the recipient of the sacrificial behavior.  There are times when one will choose to put their lives on hold to help someone else.  The key to making this healthy is choosing to serve from a position of abundance.  I don't mean monetary.  Abundance is a way of thinking.  Sharing with others can have very positive experience.  Setting appropriate boundaries and choosing healthy ways to serve others enriches both the giver and the recipient.  I've seen it work.  I've seen amazing acts of kinds and self sacrifice that enrich and make a difference to all those involved.  I believe this is something that takes time and practice to set the right balance. 

14.  APPROVAL-SEEKING  /  RECOGNITION-SEEKING  –      Excessive emphasis on gaining approval, recognition, or attention from other people, or fitting in, at the expense of developing a secure and true sense of self. 

 I did this, I can testify that deny your true self does nothing to help the other person and self-destructive on spiritual and emotional levels.  The first steps in counseling was recognizing who I was and understand what I was giving up for the peace at-all-cost training I received.  Peace at-all-cost does cost everything including peace of mind.  I needed to understand who I was.  I needed to explore my wants, needs, rights and responsibilities as a human being.  I needed to understand that some people will not give their approval no matter what I do because their approval/disapproval is not about me.  This is when my first counselor introduced me to my rights as a human being.  Powerful stuff knowing that I had rights by virtue of the fact that I was born.  These are God given not man given rights and responsibilities to go with them.  One might ask why a discussion of my rights has anything to do with approval seeking....I realized I was seeking from other what I needed to get from myself.  I needed my approval.   I needed to recognize my own value.    Powerful stuff when you learn to love yourself and you don't need outside approval to feel like a worthwhile person.  

More to be continued.....

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