Sunday, May 10, 2015

Troubled in my heart

Isaiah 43:1-2

 But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, O Jacob, and he that formed thee, O Israel, Fear not: for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name; thou art mine.
 When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow thee: when thou walkest through the fire, thou shalt not be burned; neither shall the flame kindle upon thee.

Why write about Christ on Mother's day?  At age 17, I planned to never marry and never have children.  Because of my religious beliefs I prayed about the decision.  A series of events encouraged me to reconsider my choice.  I met my husband and my world was toppled over and over.  I chose to embark on the most amazing journey marriage and children.  For us, 6 joined our family.  They didn't ask to come to us.  I often felt that in pre-life Heavenly Father asked for volunteers for a difficult task, a mother that had no idea how badly damaged she was.  They had no idea what they were getting into.

Why do I write of Christ on Mother's day? Because I sought Him out so often as I struggled to raise our dynamic, wonderful, amazing children that I was clueless what to do.  Some ideas I took from the Bible....teach the children and eye-for-an-eye before they are ready to learn the law of Christ.  I also figured Heavenly Father knew these children best so what should I do with them?  I feel deeply the mistakes I made in the process of raising my children.  I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until after they all left home.  All of my children show signs and behaviors that show they were raised by a mother with PTSD.  Much of the damage caused to me was done by my mother.  I call it generational abuse.  We treat the next generation better than we were treated but there is so much damage to heal that the children still suffer.  Occasionally, I wished I had known before I had children.  But if I had, it would have reinforced my belief never to have children.  A took a shot in the dark and helped bring 6 amazing people into this world.  I made plenty of mistakes I sought Christ for redemption.  I can't fix all the things I messed up.  He can. 

Take this scripture and personalize it a little.....try your own version.  This is my attempt....
1. But now thus saith the Lord that created thee, Ruth, and he formed thee, Ruth, Fear not: (whoa, he is telling me not to be afraid)  for I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name; you are mine.  (There it is I belong to Christ.) 
2. When you pass through waters of trouble, I will be with you; when you are daunted by your responsibilities, they will not totally overwhelm you; when you walk through fires of abuse you will not be consumed and burned by them; neither shall the flame of destruction light upon you.  

I know this.  I laid in my darkened room alone and overwhelmed and distraught that I could not do the task of being mother to 6 dynamic, wonderful, amazing children.  I figured out that I was missing vital skills.  I prayed for release from my chosen responsibility of mother....I wanted oblivion. I was reminded I belonged to Christ.  He gave me the impression that I would live a long time.  I begged with Him.  I told Him I couldn't go on.  I've heard others talk about doing all the right things to feel the comfort of the Holy Spirit.  I bare witness that day in the depths of my despair I felt the nudge, "What are you going to do about it?  I will lead you by the hand but you need to get up and move."  I crawled, inched, struggled forward at the same time trying to be the mother to 6 dynamic, wonderful, amazing children.  The children are raised into 6 dynamic, wonderful, amazing adults with 6 dynamic, wonderful, amazing spouses.  I am still married to the same guy that toppled my world over 38 years ago.  I see my flaws and believe with all my heart that Christ can making something good come out of the mess I made.  He fixes things.  He is in the process of healing me.  I know some people are healed instantly others like the apostle Paul struggle with a thorn in their side. I understand having a thorn in your side.  The women with the issue after 12 long years...yes I count my progress in years.  If I check my progress day by day, I get so discouraged.  I back up, take a look at the long haul.  I am making progress.  Along next to me every step of the way is my Savior.  He left the 99 and looked for me caught in a deep abyss that none could see the bottom but Christ could find me.  He blesses me with angels that look a lot like people, including my adult children and their spouses and grandchildren and sister and husband and many others too numerous to list.  I am encouraged, comforted, challenged because He wants me to be the best me I can be.  So on Mother's Day I write of Christ because I couldn't have done the job without Him. 

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