Thursday, January 21, 2016

Where does it come from?

Anger shows up early in life.  Many a parent of a toddler can share horror stories of angry tantrums seemingly to maximize the parents embarrassment. Babies can go from googoo happy to screaming rage in split seconds.  I don't believe parents set the example of laying on the floor kicking and crying.  I could be wrong.  Children feel anger.  I am thankful to my counselor, KavinCoach, that taught me that anger is a secondary emotion.  If you take the time to analyze what is zipping through your emotions hurt, fear or frustration came first.  To add to the confusion, quite often it is a combination that sets off the rage.  When I started counseling, my therapist seemed to be fascinated at how I could make anger vanish.  Part of his therapy was to piss me off then listen to what I raged about, however, I wouldn't get mad.  I would start to get angry, I would recognize the emotion, then I would make it go away.  Progress was slow.  Like trying to beat down a pillow wall.  It gives instead of breaking.  But that is how I survived.  I gave instead of breaking.  Sadly, I gave so much, me as a person completely vanished at times.  First, my counselor taught me to allow the anger I felt.  Then he slowed down my reaction to feel the emotion that came before.  This took several years of work.  I was persistent because what I was doing before helped me to survive but that was all I was doing, staying alive one day or 5 minutes at a time.  Living is feeling emotions.  Numb is not thriving, it is existing.  It is not healing either.  It is a living coma.  I did this.  Not fun.  Don't wish away your ability to feel. 

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