Thursday, May 3, 2012

Refocus energy

Quote of the day : "When you really BELIEVE in something you become PASSIONATE about that subject inturn YOU INSPIRE others by your WORDS & ACTIONS. Take that concept of FOCUS & aim it towards your own GOALS, you will be surprised at the amount of SUCCESS. You will achieve."


I loved fixing computers in the photography computer labs, known as the digital dark room.  I came in fresh with no preconceived art ideas just a determination to solve computer problems.  I had a love/hate relationship.  I loved them when they work and hate them when they don't.  The rude little monsters helped me to write the best English paper I had ever written and then refused to print it until after the paper was due.  I learned at a Junior high how to fix little SE and Classic Apple computers.  They were small and kind of cute and breaking down often enough to really annoy me.  I focused my energy at getting better and better at fixing them.  After four years in the Junior high trenches I moved to the big leagues of the University.  After the tour of the computers before my interview, I shook my head and asked, "Does somebody hate you?" (The computers weren't much better than the ones at the junior high.) Mind you, the person showing me around was the main person interviewing me 15 minutes later.  I figured I blew the interview before I started.  I relaxed and focused on sharing my passion for fixing computers.  I enthusiastically informed them that I knew very little art but was willing to learn.  Over a month passed, I figured I didn't get the job.  Finally I was called and they wanted me to start the following week.  The end of the school year was only two weeks away so I requested to finish out the school year then start at the end of summer.  I took all the energy that I had and focused it on getting better and better on fixing computers.  Hard work, studying, and prayer paid off.  I became more and more enthusiastic about bridging the gap between artist and their tool, the computer.  I loved my job for several years.  I studied and researched obscure information like why is blue so hard to get right in printing?  Nobody knew, so I did the research myself.  This pattern of obsessively researching and learning new information turned to my camera.  I started out hiding my pictures to finally my pictures being picked for a show.  I took that energy and passion turned it into a show depicting the emotional impact cancer had on my life.  I am now using this same pattern of taking a challenge...learning all I can...take it to a new place that I have never gone before.  The most difficult challenge I have is taking the same approach with depression.  I am starting to realize that I can not stay depressed and passionate at the same time.  The irony to me is encountering the feel good police.  My friends, you know the ones I mean, those glowing smilers with the empty eyes that tell you to smile and everything will be wonderful.  The ones I encountered were first to try to squelch my passion for solving problems.  Their thought seemed to be "Be happy but not excited."  Excitement seemed to be as big a crime as depression.  Multiple personalities allowed me to be both.  One personality has all the fire and excitement.  One of the other personalities dealt with all the depression and suppressed rage.  Integration brought the two together.  Fire in a fog.  I struggle to keep my enthusiasm burning.  I slip back into depression.  Then an event or friend rekindles the flame of excitement and the depression recedes once again.   When I was a multiple dealing with emotions I was like Mary Poppins bouncing through side walk pictures.  Bouncing in and out sometimes at a bewildering rate.  I felt this quote was so timely because today, I refocused on my positive goals...making a difference.  Another quote I saw recently, "Let go of the past so you can grasp what today offers."  I spent a lot of time delving into my past to understand my present.  I carefully cut the lines and hooks from my past that kept dragging me back into the ugliness.  The trick is to bring along the best of what I learned and build on it.  I am a better person today because I looked back, acknowledge my past, set new boundaries, moving forward into a world I didn't know was possible.  I think I need the quote poster size to remind myself everyday to believe in my passion for changing me.  Change myself I change my world. 

Reshaping My World

4 comments:

Laurel Hawkes said...

Yes! You're so right about those friends who tell you to smile and be happy, but you better not be too happy. I'm excited for you! :-)

Kara said...

What a beautiful photo! xx

Judith said...

I really understand this. Several of my therapists would label me as depressed, and I kept insisting I was not depressed. Because the fact was, I was not allowed any feelings of my own. I still haven't decided if I suffered depression, but I do know that now that I am finding myself, I do experience bouts of what I think might be depression. Not too long ago I felt down and draggy and kept trying to snap myself out of it. The it suddenly hit me: I was SAD. It was a weird revelation.


As I work with my PTSD counselor, I'm feeling things I don't remember feeling, like the fear of being on the midst of one of my mother's rages as a child. It's horribly uncomfortable, but I can also feel barriers inside me moving aside.

Your photographs are wonderful.

Ruth said...

Thanks Laurel. :)

Thank you Kara.

Vicariousrising, I am working a lot on defining depression in comparison to mourning, sad, discouraged, and several other similar emotions. I am learning that some people lump together a lot of different emotions under the depression umbrella. I am learning that they are quite different from each other. I also was not 'allowed' to feel anything. Learning to feel is not always comfortable but worth it.