Friday, May 4, 2012

Inner and Outer Chaos

Chaos is the score upon which reality is written.
Henry Miller

This is my opinion and what I am writing may be triggering for someone else.  Proceed with caution.  

Today was one of those days when I am feeling the negative side of integration.  There were two events today involving large crowds and lots of noise.  Before integration, I would switch to that part of my personality that could cope in that situation.  I used to do costumes for plays and other activities with large crowds with ease.  Now I struggle, when possible escape.  Then later this evening, I am moping and I am trying to figure out what is wrong.  I finally realize I am not depressed in the way that I have in the past.  I am grieving the loss of my gift of coping using multiple identities.  It is a powerful tool in high stress situations.  Here's what I understand.  Multiple personalities, DID, is a powerful coping tool under extreme stress.  I could calmly straighten a broken arm for X-rays.  I could enjoy a large party with tons going on and enjoy myself.  Unfortunately, the down side of functioning as a multiple is lost time.  Exhaustion from several sharing the same body.  The body needs to rest but another personality takes over and isn't sleepy.  I believe that in times of low stress the multiple personalities don't know what to do since their functioning was designed for high stress.  The visual illustration I thought of is using multiple personalities to function day to day is like using a 10 lb sledge hammer to pound in a tiny finishing nail.  There is another down side that I have read about and now a friend experienced is the death of an alter.  I know my counselor never understood my deep desire to keep all the alters as part of myself.  I feel the death of an alter is similar to an amputation.  There is grieving.  Relearning how to function with out that part of yourself.  I think in some ways loosing self is worse than loosing time.  I was so happy I integrated and yet I felt a loss.  I experience things that I couldn't before yet I can't cope in some situations that I used to do easily.   The hardest thing is trying to explain to someone else that can not comprehend that a whole chunk of yourself is gone.  Through integration I pulled all my parts together and I became whole.  Yet from time to time, I feel grief for loss of how I used to be.  Now, I am healthier, happier, and calmer than I have ever been.  Sometimes I still feel a sense of loss.   I am still trying to learn to use other coping skills.  My grief is tinged with hope that eventually I will be able to do the same things I did before but do it without time loss.  To feel like I am the one doing all that I can do.  I am hoping my friend that experienced a grievous loss of her alter knows that I feel deeply her sense of loss.  I wish I could find a way to reassure her that going forward is possible, not the same but possible. 

4 comments:

Laurel Hawkes said...

For me, when I grieve what I figure I should not -- because my life is better -- is I'm grieving the familiar. Sometimes life is so uncertain, and I ache for the familiar. Because of all the changes, it isn't there. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin, and even though I'm more at peace than I've ever been, it isn't necessarily comfortable... Maybe comfortable is a warning sign that we are stagnant... not comfortable with that idea either... maybe it will all make more sense in the morning.

mulderfan said...

When I lost my husband I had to create a new life for myself. The future we had planned together was no longer possible.

The life I have now is not bad, it's just different. The sense of loss has never left me but it no longer controls me.

Evan said...

I think I do understand your loss a little. I hope you are getting the support you need during the mourning.

Judith said...

I know this isn't the same, but I sometimes grieve my active alcoholism because it made me able to cope in social situations like those you mentioned in this post. It wasn't a separate identity, but it was a buried aspect of my personality that felt safe to come out when booze was in my system. And she definitely had energy when the usual me was worn out.