Building Self-esteem

Purpose Fairy wrote a lovely post on ways to boost your child's self esteem.  My children are already grown, that ship has sailed.  I am working on rebuilding my own self esteem.  I am taking each of her topics and applying them to things I can do for me. 

http://www.purposefairy.com/10884/5-powerful-ways-to-boost-your-childs-self-esteem/
I highly recommend reading this article. She gives specific examples of each one that would be useful for anyone working on building self-esteem. 

1. Learn What you Can and Cannot Change

This required KavinCoach teaching me.  My childhood taught me that I was all powerful and could make my mother happy or sad, angry or proud, scary or calm.  My behavior controlled people around me....I was blamed for the abuse by the pedophile....if I had been different he wouldn't have hurt me.  I was hemmed in by "should's" and "have to's". I was helpless.  These conflicting beliefs distorted myself image beyond recognition.  KavinCoach patiently taught me what I could change and what I needed to do to protect myself or accept the things I couldn't change.

2. Know How to Measure your Awesomeness

KavinCoach taught me to define myself and decide when I was enough....good enough.....pretty enough.....talented enough......then he started teaching me about thriving.  In the world of thriving, I am awesome.  MyCounselor built on what KavinCoach taught me to recognize my own greatness.  The basis of self-confidence is knowing how awesome yourself is.  This is a work in progress.

3. Dream Big, Really Big

Years ago I found the book The Magic of Thinking Big.  I read it cover to cover and had no idea what they were talking about.  When my day was focused on just putting one foot in front of the other, I wasn't even aware that stars were out there to reach for.  My world felt more like Erma Bombeck's book If Life is a Bowl of Cherries, What am I Doing in the Pits? I am starting to dream again.  I am starting to believe that those dreams are possible.  I am starting to see the stars but the first thing I needed to do was get out of the pits. Goals, persistence, patients, persistence, more goals, baby steps, persistence, backslide, more persistence is getting me to places I didn't dream possible 15 years ago. 

4. Practice Empathy and Collaboration

KavinCoach gave me an assignment called 50/5....this was to do something for someone else that didn't cost more than 50 cents or take longer than 5 minutes.  Then I was to write down what I did.  Bits of service, awareness of others and a daily reminder that I do good things.  Hard to empathize with someone else when the dark fog of depression wraps its tentacles around my mind.  Small baby steps toward being aware of how others feel, reaching out, caring, working together towards a common goal are learned experiences.  It takes practice, patience, and persistence.  (Noticing a theme here?)

5. Speak your Mind

This was very difficult for me.  I had plenty of experience that taught me that speaking my mind was very dangerous.  It wasn't safe for me to have an opinion let alone sharing it.  KavinCoach created a safe environment to learn to speak my mind.  As I became healthier, he would push harder until I finally pushed back and shared what I believed.  It was hard work letting go of the brainwashing that told me what I thought and believe are unimportant.  I am getting fairly good at speaking my mind and I am getting better at recognizing that I may as well be quiet because sharing won't make any difference if the other person is unwilling to listen.  I am also learning to speak my mind with compassion for my listener.  I am learning the difference between aggressive and assertive sharing.  I found my voice.