10 Tips For Understanding Someone With PTSD
PTSD makes communication difficult. Many survivors can’t find the words to express what they’re feeling. Even when they do, it’s very normal for them not to be comfortable sharing their experience. Elements of shame, fear, anger, guilt and grief often get in the way of a calm, focused discussion. This is an understatement. I learned that sometimes it was actually physically painful for me to talk about some of the things that happened to me. Yes, you can pass out from the stress of trying to say what needs to be said.
Friends and family (and anyone else who is not the source of the PTSD but is standing by while someone attempts to heal) need something that translates PTSD language. Armed with knowledge, insight and awareness you’ll have an easier time knowing how to react, respond and relate to your PTSD loved one during the healing process. The more you appreciate things from the PTSD perspective the more helpful and supportive you can be. Now is the time for empathy, compassion and patience. This is all true but none of it is easy. This takes time studying and being open to possibilities...someone close to me struggled with knowing even part of what happened. Messed up their image of who I am. I was the same person, they viewed me differently.
The list below will give you an overview of things to understand. For more in-depth information – plus content specifically geared for you, the caregiver – check out the free archives of our radio show, YOUR LIFE AFTER TRAUMA, which features professionals and experts weighing in on what you need to know about PTSD and your role.
#1 – Knowledge is power. Understanding the process of a triggering event, the psychic reaction to trauma, the warning signs and symptoms of PTSD, and available treatment options for PTSD allows you to help recognize, support and guide your PTSD loved one toward diagnosis, treatment and healing.
We need you to be clearheaded, pulled together and informed. Sometimes twists or turns happen that no amount of knowledge will prepare you for, hang on until you get to a place that you can get your feet under you. Don't feel like you have to do this alone, counselors, doctors other family and friends can form a team to help the person with PTSD.
#2 – Trauma changes us. After trauma we want to believe —as do you—that life can return to the way it was; that we can continue as who we were. This is not how it works. Trauma leaves a huge and indelible impact on the soul. It is not possible to endure trauma and not experience a psychic shift.
Expect us to be changed. Accept our need to evolve. Support us on this journey. Sometimes the trauma was so long ago that what was before is long gone. After cancer, I discovered that I changed, it wasn't all bad. Some of the changes in priorities were healthy changes. The past does not define you but it does not leave you untouched. I find when I embrace the change and share with others my enthusiasm for new purposes in life, I am happier.
#3 – PTSD hijacks our identity. One of the largest problems with PTSD is that it takes over our entire view of ourselves. We no longer see clearly. We no longer see the world as we experienced it before trauma. Now every moment is dangerous, unpredictable and threatening.
Gently remind us and offer opportunities to engage in an identity outside of trauma and PTSD. PTSD is a reaction not who we are. I was startled after integration to find out that multiple personalities was how I dodged PTSD. When I integrated, I needed new coping skills for PTSD. Fighting cancer I learned that I am not the disease. I am a person with the disease. I work at separating who I am from my PTSD response to life.
#4 – We are no longer grounded in our true selves. In light of trauma our real selves retreat and a coping self emerges to keep us safe.
Believe in us; our true selves still exist, even if they are momentarily buried. Authenticity is temporarily lost. One coping tool is to lie to ourselves and convince ourselves it was not that bad. Takes time to reconnect with our true selves. There are any number of books and articles that discuss the difference between your true self and the mask you hide behind. Some of the feelings I battle was I failed as myself so perhaps a mask is better much like Phantom of the Opera, the scarred features are hideous so mask are more pleasing to others. Unfortunately, the real person is lost and the mask is always less than the original. The authentic true self is there but sometimes deeply buried.
#5 – We cannot always help how we behave. Since we are operating on a sort of autopilot we are not always in control. PTSD is an exaggerated state of survival mode. We experience emotions that frighten and overwhelm us. We act out accordingly in defense of those feelings we cannot control.
Be patient with us; we often cannot stop the anger, tears or other disruptive behaviors that are so difficult for you to endure. True, up to a point....concern here is when a caregiver is enabling the survivor to stay stuck. Accountability for behavior is still vital. I still needed to apologize when I yell at someone. I am responsible even though controlling my behavior seems almost impossible sometimes. No accountability - weakens my determination to take my behavior back into my control. Both my counselors assigned me homework that helps me practice self control. I may struggle sometimes and need to keep myself way from others but I am still responsible for how I treat others.
#6 – We cannot always be logical. Since our perspective is driven by fear we don’t always think straight, nor do we always accept the advice of those who do.
Keep reaching out, even when your words don’t seem to reach us. You never know when we will think of something you said and it will comfort, guide, soothe or inspire us. Sometimes the advice seems like a foreign language to the survivor. My DH would tell me to not let my mother get in my head....I would get terribly frustrated because I didn't know how to use boundaries to protect myself. I didn't know what he meant at all. Also what seems like good advice to a caregiver or counselor may seem like grabbing barbed wire to a survivor. Following the advice may be excruciatingly painful.
#7 – We cannot just ‘get over it’. From the outside it’s easy to imagine a certain amount of time passes and memories fade and trauma gets relegated to the history of a life. Unfortunately, with PTSD nothing fades. Our bodies will not let us forget. Because of surging chemicals that reinforce every memory, we cannot walk away from the past anymore than you can walk away from us.
Honor our struggle to make peace with events. Do not rush us. Trying to speed our recovery will only make us cling to it more. For PTSD to be there it means there is A LOT of damage. People didn't expect me to recover from cancer in a day, don't expect me to recover from PTSD in a day either. The longer the trauma went on the more extensive the damage. The longer the PTSD is ignored the harder it is to unearth and heal the hidden damage.
#8 – We’re not in denial—we’re coping! It takes a tremendous effort to live with PTSD. Even if we don’t admit it, we know there’s something wrong. When you approach us and we deny there’s a problem that’s really code for, “I’m doing the best I can.” Taking the actions you suggest would require too much energy, dividing focus from what is holding us together. Sometimes, simply getting up and continuing our daily routine is the biggest step toward recovery we make.
Alleviate our stress by giving us a safe space in which we can find support. Years ago when I was physical incapacitated by PTSD someone asked me what a good day was...my answer, "I got up." Then I was quiet and they waited. I then reassured them that was it, a good day I actually got out of bed. Some people find it difficult to believe that something can so cripple you emotionally that your body simply cannot function. Routines are helpful because then I can set myself on autopilot and go a few steps farther. Imagine some one in a terrible car wreck but lives with a mangled body. PTSD is kind of like that but it is our soul that was mangled.
#9 – We do not hate you. Contrary to the ways we might behave when you intervene, somewhere inside we do know that you are not the source of the problem. Unfortunately, in the moment we may use your face as PTSD’s image. Since we cannot directly address our PTSD issues sometimes it’s easier to address you.
Continue to approach us. We need you to! One of the many discussions I had with KavinCoach was the problem of putting a kinder softer face on the problem. It is easier to rage at someone safe then the terrifying enemy in our mind. Reminding a survivor that you are not the enemy is helpful. Please, expect me to apologize is I am a total jerk.
#10 - Your presence matters. PTSD creates a great sense of isolation. In our post-traumatic state, it makes a difference to know that there are people who will stand by us. It matters that although we lash out, don’t respond and are not ourselves, you are still there, no matter what.
Don’t give up, we’re doing our best. Support and encouragement from multiple sources makes a difference. This is why I mention over and over the value of having a team of people to help. A baseball team of only a pitcher with no basemen doesn't win the game. We are blessed with internet, doctors, counselors, friends, and family to help build a survival team. As I grow in strength I try to help someone else that is traveling the same path. There are many more people out there with PTSD. I learned to hide my symptoms, others hide too. Keep in mind that I am sometimes jealous of those that are helping me. My counselor, family and friends can walk away from me and take a much needed break...I don't even get to sleep and get a break. PTSD follows me into my sleep and swaps out nightmares for dreams. Like cancer of the soul it is an ongoing daily battle that I keep fighting. I plan to win....I am learning to thrive.
http://healmyptsd.com/
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