Best choice ever

In high school, I came to the decision that I would never marry and NEVER have children.  People told me that I would grow up and be like my mother....not just no, but HELL NO.  I wasn't doing it.  Well, I noticed that there is nothing like a teenage vow for Heavenly Father to see it as a perfect way to test me.  A few years later, I was blessed that I would be a mother in a prayer.  Hard to dismiss the possibility.  After I started thinking that possibly there was a remote chance, I met my amazing husband to be.  I fell in love, head over heels, wow I had no idea that such feelings existed.  We were engaged within 2 weeks and married 6 months later.  We were blessed with 6 amazing children.  I was so terrified with having our first child that the only thing we had was a bed and dresser bought by my father-in-law.  I refused to have a baby shower.  I read every book that I could find on nursing since my mother told me she couldn't.  I remember watching my mother go through the last two pregnancies and expected a nightmare.  I wasn't disappointed.  I didn't know that morning sickness could be morning-noon-and-night sickness.  I had a tiny notebook that I kept my notes.  I actually had the same doctor that delivered my younger sister and brother.  Before all the privacy laws, I was able to ask him about why my mother couldn't nurse her children.  He gave me a few pointers....relax was number one on the list.  Yup, my mother never relaxed.  At the hospital, delivery was right up there with one of the worst experiences of my life.  (After watching my daughters, I had no idea how bad it could have been.  I now know I was fairly lucky in the delivery department.)  Our little son was born slightly early so he was whisked away immediately after delivery.  When the nurse came and asked me if I was ready to get up, the first thing I wanted to do was go see my son.  I remember standing at the glass looking at this little face peeking out of blanket and thinking, "Oh-No What have I done?  I can't send him back?  What if I mess up?"  A flood of terrifying questions swamped my exhausted body.  The next day the nurses asked me what I was dressing our little son in to take him home.  I looked at them blankly.  For some reason, it had not connected in my head that I got to take the baby home in something.  The nurses gave me a blanket, t-shirt, and diaper.  I was a MOM, ready or not. 

I learned a lot from having children.  I learned first and fore most, I did NOT have to be like my mother.  I would make my own mistakes, I didn't need to make hers, too.  I was blessed with amazing children.  It is my opinion, Heavenly Father asked his spirit children, "I have this really messed up mom down here on Earth, do I have any volunteers to help her out?"  Our 6 darling children jumped up and down waving their arms.  They had no idea what they were getting into.  Our children blessed my life in so many ways.  They challenged me, gave me purpose, strengthened me, called me out on my poor choices, accepted me, loved me, taught me about living.  Having children was the best and most difficult challenge I ever took on.  I am now reaping the rewards of raising children, I am a grandmother of 12 amazing grandchildren.  I am so blessed.  Yet I feel a deep sorrow for those that don't have the opportunity to have children.  I feel a deep sadness for those that are mothers that hate and resent their off-spring.  I am saddened when I read other people's stories of the grief brought to their lives by mothers that should have never become mothers.  I feel deeply for those that went through pregnancy only to miscarry or still born children...all that work and empty arms.  I feel blessed that no one decided for me to take away my children because I was a messed up mom.  Mother's day is not an easy day.  It is an opportunity to reflect and consider the massive impact mothers have on our lives.  I believe that today's society sadly underestimates the impact of mothers.  Today, I am deeply thankful to my daughters and the wonderful women our sons married.  Mother's day is full of mixed up feelings for me.  I am taking the day off from church because I really don't want to hear about all those wonderful mothers.  Call me a coward but today, I'm staying home.