Long month....

this week.  A very tough last week of school culminated in a melt down in karate class.  I was crying so hard that I left a puddle of tears on the mat.  No one hurt me.  I was practicing and taking turns being the attacker....unexpectedly that was the trigger.  My teacher was trying to explain I was too stiff and needed to be more enthusiastic with my attack.  I did, then collapsed in tears.  Some how that act of attacking was more shattering than all the defenses I have done for the past 9 months.  I realized that if I hadn't already been stretched beyond max the melt down wouldn't have occurred. At school the day before, I was in an absolute panic because it was my last day and I still had a week's worth of work to accomplish.  I didn't get it all done.  Two of the preschool teachers pitched into help me.  Their kindness was so amazing.  Today, when I cried in class the other students and teacher treated me with respect and encouragement without minimizing what was happening to me.  Talking with DH I realized that several stresses hit me all at once and I added to the problem by offering to help a friend with a dog and another friend to make decoration for her wedding.  Both kind things to do but my timing had a lot to be desired.  I went shopping this afternoon for fabric for my kitchen curtains.  I couldn't figure out the simplest math questions.  I apologized to the person waiting on my to cut my fabric.  I explained that I had a long month this week, she chuckled with a comment of totally understanding how drained I felt right then.  She was very kind and we measured the fabric.  I took all of it.  It is a lovely mellow yellow with butterflies all over it.  It will look amazing when I have them finished in a few weeks. 

What did I learn from this experience?

I still tend to take on problems and take ownership of them when they actually belong to someone else.  I helped a fellow employee with a complicated formatting.  I slowly realized after totally stressing out that the success of the project was NOT my responsibility.  I also had no way to test the results.  With the clock clicking down on the last day of work I realized, it wasn't my job to solve this problem.  I gave it my best shot but still was NOT my job.  I also realized that the final grades for the students and preparing the room for summer was also NOT my responsibility.  Doing what the teacher asked me to do was my responsibility but if she asked me to do something besides clean the room for summer, it was OK.  She could do that since she, NOT me, was responsible for how the room looked at the end of the day.  Then I went through other stresses during the week and discovered one after another were NOT my responsibility to fix, manage, or make right.  I could support, cheer on someone else, assist but I needed to stop beating myself for NOT zooming around like SuperWoman and fix everything.  I needed to change my mind set.  This is when I miss my counselor who would help me sift through and figure out which was my responsibility and which was NOT.  I put an astonishing amount of pressure on myself.  I also learned that when I explained frankly and without blaming that I am feeling stressed out and clearly state what would help, people helped me, comforted me, and listened to me.  My childhood programing that nobody cares or would help me is breaking at last.  I am recognizing the lies from my past.  Many people around me are kind and willing to help out.  Speaking up about a need does NOT make me ungrateful or whiny.  Using humor to convey my needs lightens the atmosphere.  I am feeling much calmer this evening.  I am cherishing the acts of kindness shown to me over the last two days.  I am tired.  After the week I had and the melt down in class today, being tired is to be expected.  I appreciate my sister listening to be babble like a water fall.  The support from DH was awesome.  His patience when I totally misunderstood something and jumped to conclusions was appreciated by me.  Tough month this week but I am learned a lot.  Hopefully I can start applying some of the sorting of who's problem is this.....

Thanks for reading my ramblings to the end.  

I've got the ball. 

Desert 'Pineapples' -  ground squirrels love these. 

Reflected light

Squiggles

Fun with Play dough