Friday, May 9, 2014

Dreading Mother's Day

I appreciate Seth writing about one of the reasons women dread Mother's Day.

I feel a need to share some other reasons why Mother's Day is a HUGE challenge for me.

Mother's Day is a day that the person that gave us birth is celebrated.  I feel guilty because I listen to the praise of Mother's on this day and think of all the ways I messed up as a mother.  Being a multiple personality with severe dissociation leaves a lot to be desired as a parent.  I was emotionally sick body and mind for the growing years of my children.  I wasn't there for them.  I messed up.  I raged like a banshee and totally missed the point on meeting their needs.  I feel so sad that I fell so short of what I wanted to do and be as their mother.  In counseling, the hardest weeks were during the time that I comprehended how much I screwed up.  Saying 'I did the best I knew how,' just seems so inadequate and pathetic.  My kids deserved better.  But year after year they reassure me that they love me, I have amazing kids.

Then there is the other dilemma.  Celebrating my Mother.  What do I say to the woman that loved me and resented me.  I often felt that she didn't want me dead, she wanted me to not exist.  Dying meant mourning, I felt she saw me as competition for my Dad and her behavior let me know on a regular basis that my existence caused problems for her.  She told me after I was married that me leaving the house was the best thing that ever happened for her and my dad.  She gave me birth but how do I thank her for making my childhood a living hell.  Being taught that I don't deserve the simplest things.  Being neglected so a pedophile neighbor had full access to me for years.  She didn't protect me.  She didn't nurture me.  She said I loved you and turned around and hurt me.  I learned from her that love hurts.  I learned from her that I didn't deserve to be treated with respect.  She's not dead and lives close by.  I see her and feel a deep sadness that she lives in such fear that she is unlovable that she can't enjoy her two daughters since she sees both of us as a threat.  She wants to love us but chose to wrap herself in her fears rather than doing the hard work of counseling.  How to I celebrate my mother?

I feel jealous on this day for all the women that declare how they couldn't live without their mothers.  I feel so sharply my own inadequacies.  I wish the day was a day to celebrate women....All women....short and tall....with children or without....thick or thin....happy or sad.  I am wrapping up reading a book called, Who Switched Off Your Brain by Dr. Caroline Leaf.  She is a neurologist who shares how different men and women's brains functioning is.  Women are different from men at the cellular level.  Women are amazing in their hopes and dreams.  I can admire my mother for what an amazing teacher she was...she did wonderful things about teaching children to read 100 easy books.  I can admire my mother for overcoming the abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother.  I can admire my mother for her perseverance in genealogy and connecting families long dead.  I can admire my mother for the caring support she gives some other people.  I can celebrate my mother as a woman with many talents.  My children recognize how hard I tried.  They praise me for how far I have come.  They remind me of the things I did right.  They assure me that I make a difference in their lives now.  I would really like to have a Women's Day..... 


Judy said...

Just so you know, blogger is having problems with the Like Love Bummer buttons. So people have probably liked/loved this post, but blogger isn't doing its job of accepting the click. :-)

A difficult post to write, and I loved it.

Judy said...

Sigh. I left and came back, and the buttons are working. :roll:

mulderfan said...

Such honesty requires great courage.

Ruth said...

Thank you Judy and mulderfan.