Saturday, May 31, 2014
Paradigm shift
Since the 1960s, the term has also been used in numerous non-scientific contexts to describe a profound change in a fundamental model or perception of events,...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradigm_shift
I appreciate the many comments and encouragement I have received this week. I appreciate Evan's caution that I not get hooked up in the game. Sorting through what is my crap and what is theirs is starting to get very tricky. I do have a safety hatch in that I am going to be gone on vacation for awhile. I am also watching my Dad get stronger daily. I also plan to involve people from church to help ease the load off myself. I also recognize and feel a profound paradigm shift. For years, I walked on egg shells not to hurt mother's feelings. I was to take what ever she dished out as just part of who she was but forbidden to put up the slightest defense in case I hurt her feelings. This week I stopped worrying about her feelings. I respect that she has them but it no longer controls my behavior. I am walking a fine line that if I am not careful will have me hurtling back into time to being the dutiful daughter doormat. I'm not a doormat. I found my back bone. I am hoping I don't find a mean bone. I am working towards the delicate balance of standing up for myself without feeling a need to punch anyone in the face. (Tonight when I came home, I grumbled that prison food was looking good. If I acted on my unruly thoughts, I would be serving prison time.) Wisely I came home, gave myself time to think. Vented to my DH. Now, I am plotting how to assess and assist my aging parents, without getting caught in their vortex. I am working at remembering how far I have come in extricating myself from their tangled enmeshing ways. Review....speak my truth....let their problem be their problem....value my time....value my peace of mind.....value my relationships......Am I becoming part of the problem by trying to reenact the past with a new ending? Am I getting sucked back in? Am I harming myself by my behavior? Is anyone holding a gun to my head? Hmmmmm Lots to think about.
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4 comments:
Let's hear it for us doormats that got up off the floor. We are a force to be reckoned with not messed with!
Last time I made the mistake of talking to my brother I told him if her needed a new doormat he could pick one up for less than $10 at Walmart! He said I was "cold".
I disagree with your brother, I think you are awesome. Thanks.
Arrgh, it's all so complicated, isn't it? Only these mind perverts could turn our human decency (Of course we want to help our aging parents!) into such a booby-trapped labyrinth.
"I was to take what ever she dished out as just part of who she was but forbidden to put up the slightest defense in case I hurt her feelings." Oh, yes. Lately, for the first time in over two years, I've been thinking of adding a new rule to The Narcissist Manifesto (a set of their "rules" I keep so their... OK, HER... behavior doesn't surprise me so much). Something along the lines of, "If you attempt to protect yourself in any way, I will act like you've just kicked a puppy." I really don't care about Her feelings anymore, either, now that I know she doesn't give a wossname about mine.
"This week I stopped worrying about her feelings. I respect that she has them but it no longer controls my behavior. "
That is something I need to remember.
I wonder like you about standing up for myself - will it come out as meanness. I think that years and years of not behaving in a mean manner may reveal that we are not actually mean.
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