When gratitude isn't grateful

http://inbadcompanyinc.wordpress.com/2014/05/16/passive-aggressive-behaviors/

Awesome post by TR

A couple of weeks ago they talked in church about the importance of gratitude.  I listened and heard the usual, be grateful or else.  First off, I believe in gratitude.  I believe it is important way to think and behave.  I learned it is a way to acknowledge the gift and the giver.  But not all givers are desiring only to please the other person.  Too often strings or malice are attached to a gift. A simple example of malice, the King of Siam (now Thailand) would give a white elephant to someone that truly annoyed him.  The idea was to give a white sacred elephant that they could not refuse, could not use, and expensive to maintain.  TR gave an example in her post of those that use gifts to hurt others or with strings attached.  I am also painfully aware that abusers will use gratitude like a whip to drive a person to their bidding with comments like "you owe me."  I am also aware that some people expect gratitude to come in a particular form.  I would verbally say, "Thank you."  NO NO that is not good enough....you must write a thank you note and mail it....hand delivery is not acceptable either.  Or as TR describes in her post that they are keeping score....'I did this for you now, what are you going to do for me and it better be better than what I gave you.' 

There is one more aspect of gratitude that abusers use to bully down their victims....'He who complains has too much.'  The Biblical example that is trotted out when the Israelite people were rescued out of bondage by Moses and fed manna for days on end.  They complained and wanted something different.  They were then given quail until they were sick of that.  This is used to ignore the real needs of their victim.  As a child, I complained about the food I had to eat.  My mother saw this as a personal affront instead of recognizing if she had allergies maybe her children did, too.  I learned that asking for what I needed was a sign of ingratitude.  This was hammered into me.  As an adult, I found out sailing through the emergency room without waiting around is not a good thing.  I was trained so thoroughly not to complain or ask for what I needed that my stomach had almost eaten its way to my intestines.  I was bleeding internally.  My stomach put a hole in the inner lining all that kept me from a horrible death caused by my stomach acid pouring into the body cavity was the outer lining of my stomach.  When the doctor finally detected what the problem was and what actually caused it, he looked at me and asked, "Your stomach must have been hurting, why didn't you complain?"  The answer I gave him was it always hurt and I didn't know that it shouldn't.  The real answer was, "He who complains has too much," if I complained I was afraid that what little I had would be taken away.  I couldn't risk that by complaining that my stomach hurt.  My fear of being ungrateful and loosing what little I had nearly killed me. 

I since learned that gratitude is not just something you do but it is something you feel.  The most joyful thing about reconnecting my emotions is feeling gratitude.  It is an awesome feeling when uncluttered by punitive demands of the giver.  Gratitude for a sunrise.  Thankfulness for delicious food.  Feelings of gratitude that fill my heart so much I just want to hug the World and say, "Thank you."  It is an amazing feeling to be able to feel gratitude without fear of repercussions of not thanking good enough.  A lot of my pictures are about the gratitude I feel in living in a beautiful, complex, and fascinating world.  Pictures of spider webs and bugs, glass and plants, sunrises and sunsets, flowers and thorns, butterflies and caterpillars, we live in a stunning wonderful world that I am thankful to be alive and a part of.  Gratitude is a feeling that spawns a desire to thank the giver.  I taught my children when you have a feeling of gratitude you say "Thank you."  Yes, I believe in gratitude but I have seen what dark expectations of gratitude can do.  Like anything that is good, there is a dark side to be used to hurt and harm.  I watch my own children express their gratitude and delighted to know they have learned what a blessed feeling gratitude is.  A grateful heart sees beauty and blessings where others see ugliness and want.