Monday, June 8, 2015

I've been sick

I didn't think it was all that bad until I realized I lost a week in the quasi nothingness of neither being asleep or awake.  Fuzzy brained and exhausted ruled my week.  This morning is the first time in over a week that I woke up feeling....oh yea I have a billion things to do lets start NOW.  I'm relieved to know that illness of this nature does end.  The other thing I've thought about is this week I bought some books from the local Goodwill.  I can buy a bunch of books for $20.  One of the books I bought is on dealing with difficult people.  I can't tell you how humbling it was when I went to marriage counseling with my husband and found out I was the biggest problem in our marriage.  More accurately my PTSD was disrupting any hope of improving my relationships until I became aware of how I was functioning and do a major structural overhaul in my life.  Best way to describe this is to attempt to change your engine while driving down the freeway.  It doesn't go well.  Now, I read these books about dealing with difficult people I ask myself, am I the one being difficult or am I accused of being difficult because I set healthy boundaries?  Yep, I learned that when a person starts to have healthy boundaries, say no appropriately, refuse to play the scapegoat role, and change how they function others, aka abusers, declare the person is being difficult.  Often in hopes of bullying them back into their doormat position.  So I study books about working with difficult people to learn about human relationships.  As I nurture myself, validate my ideas, and continue to change myself, I gain strength and hope for my future.  Lately, I've read several blogs and Facebook memes that seem to imply that PTSD is the end of the world, not my fault and will be a victim forever.  I like the way my sister said it, "PTSD is not a “period” or “exclamation point” in my life; it’s a “semicolon.”" The poster on this blog is a quote from Gunny Highway, "You adapt.  You overcome.  You improvise."  Studied change makes a world of difference when you know what healthy looks like and head in that direction.

Tricky changing an engine while driving down the freeway. 

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