http://discussingdissociation.com/2009/01/24/understanding-child-parts-in-the-dissociative-system/
This article is fairly similar to my experience living functioning in parts. I worked hard to integrate all of me back to one whole. Imperfect whole but still together. TV makes it sound like the person living this way knows what is happening. I put myself in the category of last to know. Friends noticed, children noticed, teachers notice but didn't understand what the behavior meant. I was called a liar, weird, manipulator, lazy, and all sorts of other things. For me, life as one of the other parts was a black out to me. I describe the sensation that I would go to sleep on Monday, wake up on Wednesday and wondered what the hell happened on Tuesday and why I am in trouble for what ever happened. I was confused, frightened, and questioned my sanity. Some day I will give a speech that starts out, "Every teenager believes their mother is crazy. My children have documentation." Functioning in parts in a dissociative system is a powerful yet complex survival tactic. I lived through hell this way. Living day to day is difficult in parts. Not impossible but difficult. As my counselor and I discussed my options. I believed that I wasn't born a multiple, it was learned. I decided we all came together. I wanted all of me together. I originally wanted all the memories too but decided fuzzy was good after a couple of humdinger flash backs. I know enough to know I wasn't lying but not so much that I can't live with my past. I wish I could say it stays buried. It doesn't. A smell, a sound, a phrase can bring everything crashing down on top of me. I'm thankful for KavinCoach assisting me as I untangled my gordian knot. I made the choice not to cut through the knot but to persistently untangle each line until my heart felt whole. I like Walt Disney's quote, "It is kind of fun to do the impossible." Integration is not for everyone. I recommend it but totally understand the complexity of letting go of a powerful coping skill. I occasionally miss the chatter in my head of myselves talking to each other. I embrace the joy of peaceful silence with in from time to time.
http://www.counter-currents.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/gordian_knot.jpg
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