Day by Day

Sometimes I had someone that would try to encourage me by saying, "Just live one day at a time." 
I joked, "If I tried to do that, I would have committed suicide a long time ago."

Dark depression is often, but not always, combined with suicidal thoughts.  I tried a variety of methods to keep these death thoughts under control.  I broke time down into increments of 5 minutes.  I could do anything 5 minutes at a time.  I had to have a root canal and sure enough 5 minutes at a time worked for that too.  I redirected my thoughts to things outside myself.  I thought about how I need to get the grocery shopping done.  I needed to weed the garden.  This didn't always work.  Sometimes thinking about what I needed to do made things worse.  I would often think about my children.  What would happen to them if I wasn't there or they found me?  Sometimes this would help.  Strangely a powerful deterrent was thinking about the pedophile from my childhood and the fact he told me I was so worthless, I should die.  If I committed suicide I would be doing what my abuser wanted me to do.  I could not let him win.  The most powerful deterrent was my faith in Christ.  I believed that I after I die, I will see my Savior.  How could I explain to Him that life was too hard?  I could not say that He did not know how I felt.  He had been betrayed by his friend, accused unfairly, ridiculed, tortured and finally crucified.  On top of all of this the night before He had taken upon Himself the sins of the world.  How would I explain to Him I couldn't keep living?  He descended below us all.  My faith in Christ helped me to stay alive long enough to give life a chance.  As I become emotionally healthier I am better able to recognize that suicidal thoughts are unhealthy and set them aside.  I will be delighted when I stop having them completely.  In the mean time, I can do anything for 5 minutes.