Resurrection Morning

Today for most of the world this is just another day.  However, for the Christian world it is the most important day of eternity.  The day when death loses.  For many death is the only thing that can not be over come.  For Christians it is a temporary parting, 1 Corinthians 15:22, "For as in Adam all die, even so in Christ shall all be made alive."  For me it is a most blessed day.  Every year on Easter Sabbath day I remember how literal being born a new is for me.  If you have read my book which is linked at the bottom of this site you will know that I am an integrated multiple.   There is nothing neat, tidy, or simple with turning your entire life inside out and reinvent yourself so completely that you don't recognize yourself.  To help you with a visual, imagine doing what is necessary to fuse all your fingers together into a single club.  You may protest that isn't an improvement.  Well, I have felt that way many times that fusing my parts into a single whole is not always an improvement.  I remind myself on a regular basis that I was born as one whole person.  It was through a series of brutal incidents that I split to create an ultimate way to survive.  If one part is too battered to go forward, another one takes over, the Ultimate fighter tag team.  Bottom line, by the time I went to see KavinCoach, I was dieing one part at a time.  I was altering myself into oblivion.  Broken down into simplest form this it what the change looked like -

• Recognize that I had a problem with living
• Accept that I needed help
• Build up the courage to seek help
• Listen to how screwed up my life is
• Accept that I am a screwed up mess
• Learn more of how incredibly screwed up my life is
• Remember events so horrendous I was dry heaving in the toilet then passed out
• Toss all fantasies that I clung to about my childhood
• Believe that life could be better as an integrated person (Of course there are no guarantees)
• Accept that working as parts of a self is not a good thing
• Become acquainted with all the parts (We didn't know about each other ~ in my system we were totally isolated from each other.  Sammy knew the most but he wasn't speaking to any of us.)
• Accept that all the parts were needed, no matter now annoying
• Accept that the only way I would consider integration was for all the parts to come together
• Learning to enjoy my parts of myself to the point ~ I considered not integrating because I finally had someone to talk to that really understood.  (Not referring to KavinCoach.  Sometimes I felt he didn't understand what he was asking me to do.)
• @#$%^$##^*)&%$%^&%^*((*&^$##@#$%^*(())(&^%#@@@#%&*())*&^%$#@@@#$%^&*(((*&^%$#$%^&*(*&^ I don't know what happened at this point*
• Realize I was integrated
• Briefly enjoyed the sensation of peace and quiet
• Totally Freaked because I have no idea how to function now
• Learn the basics about living that most people learned in childhood
• Start to figure out how to interact as an integrated person
• Recognize that I am able to improve some relationships
• Discover I am not the problem with some of the relationships
• Discover that emotions exist in a massive array that I really haven't a clue how to cope with them
• I feel but don't understand what the feelings mean
• Sometimes I don't know enough to even ask a question
• I can feel so incredibly happy at one time only to crash into the worst feelings ever the next moment
• I am in the process of reevaluating relationships and learning who I can trust and who I can't
• What do I have control over and what is out side of my control
• What emotions simply happen and which can I change because I want to

*Literally - the actual integration is an unknown to me.  I described once that when I was a multiple there was this huge chasm between me and being a singleton.  When I became a singleton, I could look back and see the same chasm with no clear understanding of how I crossed it.  This is the portion I believe Christ took care of for me because I couldn't do it for myself.  I believe that Christ literally helped me to be reborn into a whole person with none of the parts missing.  Christ overcame death.  Integration is how Christ healed my soul in a way that no man/woman could do.  KavinCoach talked to me a lot about in spite of the horrible things from my childhood perpetuated by those that attended church I did not doubt that Heavenly Father loved me and that He sent His son Jesus Christ to comfort and heal me.  In the darkest, ugliest place Christ found me and claimed me as His own.  Resurrection day will be a formality of what has already happened I am a new, whole person because of Jesus Christ, my Savior.