Tempted

I was tempted to post nothing but 'The Pigmatation' link... Why?  Some how it seems wrong to be writing a post on getting out of depression when I have sunk to a really low place.  I am on day 5 of either a panic attack or severe nightmares waking me up 2 or 3 times each night.  I do not feel like a person getting out of depression, right now.  So if I just post funny stories, questions, and pictures then nobody needs to know, right?  

Thanks to Judy, upsi, mulderfan and others I am striving to live a truthful life, not just, "See how happy I am, even if I am lying?"

What went wrong?  Nothing.  Actually, things are going very right.  I have worked with NewCounselor for five months now.  We finally got past catching up on 7 previous years of counseling.  I have felt frustrated, scared, and angry at having to tell some of this garbage over again.  This past week I told a part that only one other person knows, KavinCoach.  I discovered that I actually felt angry at KavinCoach, because at the time of the first telling, he assured me that I would never need to say it again.  I also learned that there are some things that doing it twice does not make it easier.   No solutions, yet.  There is one significant difference.  I do not feel hopeless.  Discouraged, bummed out, depressed, frustrated, but not hopeless.  The first time I told, I was a hopeless wreck.  The second time I told, I am still a wreck, but a hopeful wreck.  To some people, this would not be an improvement.  However, I am not some people.  I am me.  And being a hopeful wreck is a step up.  

So what are the positives? I have actually cried several nights.  I did not shut down completely.  I planned ahead.  I planned to have Cold Stone Creamery German Chocolate Cake Ice Cream for dinner after this therapy session.  It was delicious.  I was able to write more information than I have ever written about one of the worst aspects of my ugly childhood.  There was a definite reason why I didn't want to remember.  The human mind can be grand and sweeping and cuts out EVERYTHING.  I am remembering.  Its my life.  I can live with that.