Changing your mind or just lying

Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.

Mark Twain

A strange dilemma for me.  I pondered over the weekend and struggled with the rapid changes of plans.  This will be the way it is....Wait I have another idea....no this idea is better.  Why is this such a problem for me? 

I finally came to the decision that some people really do change their minds that rapidly.  So why do I believe they are lying to me?  I watched people from my childhood purposely set out to deceive by first appearing to give something to someone then take it away.  Children learn by example.  My younger sister was just a toddler.  She was riding next to my Dad, who was driving.  (Before mandatory car seats.  In fact, before car seats were invented...scary thought.) She shoved a sandwich she was munching in front of my Dad and said, "Want it?"  My Dad opened his mouth to take a bite and she pulled it away and ate it herself.  My mother thought this was a hysterically funny story and told it often.  However, I reflected on how many times I was offered something as a reward for a task, but after doing what was required the person 'changed their mind' and the sought for reward was whisked away just like that sandwich.  I believe that my sister was simply repeating what was done to her and to me.  Now, when a plan is made and I 'want it' if the person changes their mind, I am not even close to being reasonable about the situation.  Some people tell me to stop living in the past.  But if I don't learn from my past what is the point of having experiences. 

The quote by Mark Twain was always quoted to me as "Truth is stranger than fiction."  Fiction had to have feeling of believable where as the truth can be unbelievably weird.  I looked at this quote and think perhaps what he is saying is he tells fiction more often than the truth.  Much of my childhood was lies built on lies.  Some lies were told for no particular reason.  Some were told to twist and manipulate.  I am more familiar with the fictional tale of my childhood than the truth.  The lie I lived for years, "My childhood was great; we went to the park and the zoo."  We did do those things but most of my childhood was all lies.  I watched as a child as adults would intentionally lie.  A child watches and adults sometimes forget the little ears are wide open and comprehending.  I grew up.  I felt I was an honest person.  Teenagers are a harsh mirror for parents.  They call you on your crap.  The fury my daughter felt when she found out the speed limit was the limit and not a suggestion.  Yup, I struggle with obeying the speed limit.  She let me know I wasn't honest with this.  Another teenager pointed out that I lied to people daily when they would ask me how I was and I would lie about that too.  I would say I was fine when the kids knew full well I could barely stand.  I am challenged by my own behavior.  Why is this situation so difficult for me?...because I caught myself so many times rearranging the truth.  Some days the truth was more of a stranger to me than fiction.  People repeatedly reenforce the desire of flattery and telling lies to help them feel good.  The song tells you to lie to your self by whistling a happy tune when you feel afraid.  Now the twist comes...It works.  You can change your outside to influence how you feel inside.  Feelings are not the solid barometers of truth...for some people what they told you 5 minutes ago was the truth at that time and their brain shifted to a new place and a new truth.  Lies, changing your mind, feelings, twists, and truths...sorting out how things fit together is a complex maze that some days I just want to say enough already.  Black and white were twisted to be taught that black was white and white was black.  Counseling taught me there were a whole bunch of gray that swirls around.  Teenagers spend their years learning what truth is for them.  I spent my teenage years perfecting the lie that there was nothing wrong in our family...all was well because my parents said so.  Yup.  I struggle with understanding when a person is lying or just changed their mind. 

Deep

and Wide

Hey, check out the big hole.

Some hole.