Inner and Outer Chaos

Chaos is the score upon which reality is written.
Henry Miller

This is my opinion and what I am writing may be triggering for someone else.  Proceed with caution.  

Today was one of those days when I am feeling the negative side of integration.  There were two events today involving large crowds and lots of noise.  Before integration, I would switch to that part of my personality that could cope in that situation.  I used to do costumes for plays and other activities with large crowds with ease.  Now I struggle, when possible escape.  Then later this evening, I am moping and I am trying to figure out what is wrong.  I finally realize I am not depressed in the way that I have in the past.  I am grieving the loss of my gift of coping using multiple identities.  It is a powerful tool in high stress situations.  Here's what I understand.  Multiple personalities, DID, is a powerful coping tool under extreme stress.  I could calmly straighten a broken arm for X-rays.  I could enjoy a large party with tons going on and enjoy myself.  Unfortunately, the down side of functioning as a multiple is lost time.  Exhaustion from several sharing the same body.  The body needs to rest but another personality takes over and isn't sleepy.  I believe that in times of low stress the multiple personalities don't know what to do since their functioning was designed for high stress.  The visual illustration I thought of is using multiple personalities to function day to day is like using a 10 lb sledge hammer to pound in a tiny finishing nail.  There is another down side that I have read about and now a friend experienced is the death of an alter.  I know my counselor never understood my deep desire to keep all the alters as part of myself.  I feel the death of an alter is similar to an amputation.  There is grieving.  Relearning how to function with out that part of yourself.  I think in some ways loosing self is worse than loosing time.  I was so happy I integrated and yet I felt a loss.  I experience things that I couldn't before yet I can't cope in some situations that I used to do easily.   The hardest thing is trying to explain to someone else that can not comprehend that a whole chunk of yourself is gone.  Through integration I pulled all my parts together and I became whole.  Yet from time to time, I feel grief for loss of how I used to be.  Now, I am healthier, happier, and calmer than I have ever been.  Sometimes I still feel a sense of loss.   I am still trying to learn to use other coping skills.  My grief is tinged with hope that eventually I will be able to do the same things I did before but do it without time loss.  To feel like I am the one doing all that I can do.  I am hoping my friend that experienced a grievous loss of her alter knows that I feel deeply her sense of loss.  I wish I could find a way to reassure her that going forward is possible, not the same but possible.