Stating the obvious. I would not be alive without my mother.
Years of counseling and I am still addressing the fall out from the choices my mother made.
At age 16, I was terrified of ever having children and repeating the same mistakes on another generation.
During counseling, I came to the realization of what my children suffered with me for a mother. PTSD is hard to live with and even harder when they are facing the fallout with no understanding of what was wrong. Rough time addressing the guilt I felt for the mistakes I made being a mother.
Motherhood is even more difficult because children do not come with instructions stamped on their butt as the best way to handle them. I was blessed with six amazing kids; what worked for one child was an epic fail for another.
Bottom line having my children was the best thing that ever happened in my life. I also know that not everyone has that choice. There are women who can't have children. There are women that choose not to have children. There are children that wished their mother didn't have children.
To those that had experiences that leave them wondering if they should have children...I learned this...I DID NOT make the same mistakes with my children. I made my own mistakes and plenty of them. Now my children get after me for looking at my short comings. I also put impossibly high expectations on myself. People have tried to reassure me that I did the best I could...but what if the best I could, wasn't good enough? Doubts, fears, guilt, plague me. I also learned that children are amazing and choose at some point to allow my mistakes to hinder them or become spring board to doing something different.
I learned that saying the words "I love you" to a child isn't enough. You need to show with your actions even when you are tired and out of sorts yourself or they have grown and left home. I also know that at some of my lowest times, my children were the ones that put their arms around me and reassured me that going forward was possible. I cherish those memories.
Motherhood is an awesome and terrifying responsibility - what you do with that responsibility does have long lasting results. It is worth time, effort, and overcoming challenges. It is dynamic. My children leaving home doesn't mean my influence ended it just means they are trying out for themselves what they learned or decided they would never do to their children.
I am thankful for the opportunity I had to have the children that came to me. I am doubly blessed by the awesome people they invited to be their partners. Now, grandchildren are expanding my heart and ability to love. The greatest joy I feel is watching the loving attention my grandchildren receive from their parents.
Motherhood it can be good, it can be bad, and it can be ugly. At any point, it can be changed. It is truly a blessing in a person's life if they can happily say, "Happy Mother's day."
11 comments:
Wow! Well said - and powerful. I think your children and grandchildren are lucky to have you! I'm so glad you are back up and blogging. You are an amazing woman, Ruth!
Thanks for this.
It's so true. We shouldn't take it for granted that everyone had a wonderful mother. But you sound like that you have a loving relationship with your kids, and that is success. You sound like a survivor! Thanks so much for sharing a little bit of your story.
Thanks for sharing a little bit of your story. You sound like a survivor to me, and I admire that.
Happy Mother's Day!
thank you for saying this, Ruth, because i always feel such a tool when mother's day comes around and all i have for my own mother is a gaping void full of questions and hurt feelings. i don't want to ever upset her, and i wish i could put everything aside and just hug her, buy her lunch, and pretend *we are just so close, and happy, and oh the fun we had together as i was growing up*...but she is a huge trigger.
as for what you said about being afraid to have children of our own, this is very much the case for me. and i'm pretty solid on my decision so far, knowing how unbalanced i am. but i love children, and i would love to be a mother, if only i could be certain i'd be well enough to be one.
i believe you were the very best mother you could be, and you continue to be an amazing mother and grandmother. :)
So for *you* ruth, i'll say happy mothers day. <3
-Hats
I also struggle a bit with Mother's Day Ruth. I don't feel close to my own mother, and she didn't help me as a child, when I needed her. However in my case I also see all the work she did and that she does care in her own way. So I feel conflicted.
Then I wasn't great as a mother, and am also not close to my son, though I still try.
I'm glad you have those great kids and grand-kids, and that things worked out in the end for you.
Hi Ruth, sometimes the best we can do isn't enough.
However, it sounds like your kids think your best was good enough. Here's the possibly offensive part: What is keeping you from taking this in? It does sound like you are having difficulty taking it in.
Apologies if this is offensive.
I don't have children.
Thank you for all your comments. Mother's day is difficult for some people besides myself. Thank you for sharing stories of your challenges. Evan, my children and counselor ask me the same question. Over coming the belief that you are the cause of all the problems and if you were a better person all would be well is hard to over come. I am starting to believe their view of me. My children touched my heart in so many ways today. They shared their mother's day with me. I appreciate all of them so much. I am beginning to believe. I am not offended by your question and your encouragement to take in their belief in me.
Ruth,
Thank you for this lovely post. Despite all you have had to overcome you have managed to give your kids the one thing all kids want from their parents: love. And the way things are in the times that we live in, it is no small feat really.
Your answer to Evan really struck a note with me, "Overcoming the belief that you are the cause of all the problems and if you were a better person all would be well"; when I was a child and something went wrong, my parents would say: "if you had done it this or that way, it wouldn't have happened". That is a tall order to live by, as if we had control over everything and how ridiculous to place that amount of responsibility on a small child, I can see how flawed the reasoning is, but like you I find it hard to overcome the feeling. Maybe we just need to keep challenging the idea, until the "recorded message" in our head is deleted.
Thank you again for sharing all this with us, it really helps.
Hugs.
Thank you Kara, I am glad you found something that help you.
Have a beautiful day.
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