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| Skeletons out of the closet |
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Tried something new
I tried something new today by back tracking in my mind as to how long the computer games became so important. (I don't mind computer games unless they start interfering with eating, work, sleep, living.) Counted back 6 weeks or so. Before integration I couldn't map out a time line like this so it was a different process. About this time is when I landed in the hospital with a medical problem then followed this up with side effects that triggered a major emotional melt down. One of the worst I had in over a year. So why did it cause me so much grief. Since then several more mini melt downs. I had them before so what is the big deal now.....
Before all this mess erupted into my life NewCounselor was talking to me about I am no longer a victim, I am growing pass survivor and moving into thriving, living like a regular person without an abusive past. Major trigger led to melt down led to painful reminder that PTSD can be controlled but given the right circumstances it will take over my life again. For years I fought a shadow warrior that now has a name, PTSD. I better understood the relationship when I unearthed my reminder for my mammogram. I am cancer free for 10 years but when that reminder comes in the mail I feel absolutely sick to my stomach. I usually put it off. This time was worse than usual. I put it off for 6 months. I know I am cancer free but I do know how easily the verdict can come back, "I am sorry, you have cancer." PTSD is cancer of the emotions. I am thriving, enjoying life and a trigger hits and "I am sorry but PTSD took over your life again." Childhood abuse a cancer that just keeps on giving. Last weekend another mini melt down. I let down one of the teachers at school. I let PTSD decide for me what my actions would be. Now this teacher is worried about trusting me to meet my responsibilities as a chaperone on a student field trip. I agree with her concern. I am worried myself. I so want to say that PTSD has no influence on my life. I would have to lie to say that. PTSD jolted a reminder that my past is not alone... a challenged shared by other survivors. I really am not just like everyone else. I am myself. I survived cancer. I survived a brutal childhood. I am a responsible adult. I can do what is needed this weekend. I will be saying prayers daily since I know He is willing to lend a hand when I reach the end of my rope.
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4 comments:
"PTSD is cancer of the emotions" is an apt analogy but I'm confident you won't let it win.
Ali said something along the lines of there being no shame in getting knocked down as long as you get back up. You've always found a way to get back up Ruth and I think your prayers and that lending hand will give you the help you need.
BIG hug! P/M
...and wet kisses from Heath and Mattie!
Bless your heart ((Ruth)) I am sorry you are having such a tough time. Playing computer games and watching TV is a good way to switch off the worry. I watch TV sometimes for that reason; I get anxious and worry when medical appointments are pending. It can be difficult to concentrate on anything else. I have done a lot of worrying in my time and most of it was unnecessary so I do know how it feels.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
xx Molly
You will handle this, maybe not perfectly, but you will handle this, because you are able. This is an opportunity to see how far you've come. You hit a bump in the road, last weekend, a warning to not become complacent. If you'd come down with the flu, no one would have questioned you. If PTSD actually were cancer, no one would question when you have a bad day. So, cut yourself some slack, then pick yourself up, which you've done, and keep going, which you're doing. Go you!
Thank you mulderfan, Molly and Laurel. I appreciate your encouragement and perspective.
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