Sunday, December 14, 2014

I didn't believe I could

“You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
~ Eleanor Roosevelt 

Walking into counseling I naively thought of it as a summer project, one summer not ten.  I looked at my own past terrified, I called myself a worm, with no back bone or no bones at all.  I saw myself as weak and cowardly.  I had no strength, no courage and certainly no confidence.  My counselor turned me around to take a hard look at my past.  I was terrified.  The past was just as horrific as I remember and a whole lot more. My whole body would shake so badly I couldn't walk on my own after some sessions.  I was thankful my husband was there.  KavinCoach taught me if I lived through it, it won't kill me to remember it.  I debated that from time to time but he was right.  I could face my past.  As I looked at my past, I slowly gained strength to face more and more.  I still don't remember everything.  I also believe that is a kind gift.  With each memory remembered, processed and categorized I was better able to face the next one, then the next one.  Sometimes a mental dam would break and I would be flood with too much too fast.  I was taught how to release the memories slowly so that each one received the attention I needed to put it back into context.  I learned I did have a backbone.  I learned that no matter how horrific a memory is, I can live through remembering.  I learned that my body remembered suffering even when my mind forgot.  About every two or three years I encounter this quote.  I finally agree, "I can do the things I thought I could not do.  I did live through horror.  I stopped and faced my fears."  I am thankful I didn't need to do this alone.  

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