Monday, December 22, 2014

Spike in emotions

Happy Holidays
Merry Christmas
Happy New Year

Happy Merry Happy merry happy miserable...........

Tis' the season of unreasonable expectations, feelings of loss, grieving for those that are no longer around, wishing Heavenly loved ones could be here and recognizing that the tears on my face are not tears of joy but instead deep feelings of sadness seeping out at the corners of my eyes.  One blogger described it as the curse of looking happy.
Dani describes her frustration of other people expecting her to be happy on the inside because she is smiling on the outside.

Part of emotional abuse is teaching a person that what they must show on the outside has nothing to do with how they feel on the inside.  This emotional disconnect from my own emotions was one of the biggest hurdles to over come.  I noticed today, I still tend to lie about how I actually feel.  I was taught at a very young age that any emotion accept 'perfectly pleasant' was unacceptable.  I learned to bury my own emotions so deep I could no longer recognize what I felt.  I was clueless about my emotions.  Reconnecting is an uncomfortable process.  I am aware that the happy holiday season makes owning less happy feelings difficult and for some people impossible.  Last night we had a lovely evening with family celebrating Christmas earlier to avoid conflicts on Christmas day.  The tree was beautiful and I realized my mother-in-law would have loved it.  She died many years ago.  Last night I really missed her.  I would have enjoyed seeing her reaction to this lovely tree.  Amongst all the happy I felt sad for a few minutes.  I learned in counseling the importance of feeling what I feel.  I also remember the Christmas that I didn't celebrate.  No tree. No singing. No cookies. No baking.  I was angry at Heavenly Father and not feeling like celebrating Jesus at all.  I needed to feel what I felt.  I believed with all my heart that Heavenly Father understood and appreciated my honesty.  He then lovingly over the next year helped me with opportunities to work through what I felt.  I am back to loving Christmas.  I enjoy the time and appreciate how difficult this time of year can be for myself and others.  If you are not feeling merry for Christmas I hope that someone is close by that can give you a hug and accept how you feel. 

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