Saturday, May 2, 2015

Contrast to People Pleasing

One essential aspect of a healthy relationship is generosity of spirit. This has to be distinguished from being a pleaser & a care-taker, however. The person who's generous of spirit is happy to give to others b/c it brings them joy to do so. It's an important way that they express love. The pleaser or care-taker gives to others b/c consciously or unconsciously, they believe that this is what they must do in order to be loved. People who are generous of spirit may appear, on the surface, to be the same as a pleaser or care-taker, but their motivations are different. They truly take pleasure in giving to others. This is the way of an empowered adult whose heart is full & whose loving kindness overflows to others. The person on the receiving end experiences pleasing & care-taking quite differently than they experience generosity of spirit. The former cause them to feel somewhat uncomfortable, while the latter makes them feel warm & happy inside. Pleasing & care-taking will often engender feelings of discomfort, misunderstandings or conflicts, whereas generosity of spirit most often leads to feelings of contentment & deepened connections.
I think this comment goes along with the article from the other day. 
http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/2015/04/nice-vs-kind.html
I believe that when I get the same information from multiple sources, I am blessed with an opportunity to look at the same information from different angles. 

Interesting how Ruthless Compassion points out the most people feel warm and happy on the receiving end of generosity of spirit.  I'm not most people.  I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure out what a generous person wanted.  I was familiar with pleasing & care-taking.  I understood that if you helped me you expected something in return.  When I encountered a person with a generous spirit I exhausted myself trying to understand that they truly expected nothing in return for their help.  I finally was able to wrap my warped mind around the concept when I saw the movie, "Pay it Forward."  Nothing in return, a gift with no strings attached, a kindness for no other reason than I existed and needed help.  Wow.  What is this strangeness.  Took me many encounters before I started feeling comfortable and ultimately awe and admiration for people that give from a place of abundance.  I don't mean abundance in the form of money.  Some of the least generous people have great health.  Those with the feeling of abundance can be in the worse possible conditions.  Betsy and Corrie Ten Boom are women that I admire in there generosity of spirit in the concentration camps.  Mother Theresa is another person that gave from a spirit of generosity.  These women are big examples.  Sometimes a little hard for me to grasp or see myself being able to follow their foot steps.  The stranger that smiles at me when I am down.  A driver that allows me to move in front of them.  A lady that lets me go ahead in the grocery store when she noticed how tired I was.  I remember a few years back (maybe more than a few since the event happened when we lived in Washington state more than 20 years ago) a disillusioned stock broker quit his 6 figure job in New York City and vowed to walk across America.  I remember listening to his tale when he arrived in Seattle Washington.  I went hunting for information and he wrote a book about it. 
http://www.amazon.com/Walk-Across-America-Peter-Jenkins/dp/006095955X
What he discovered was a richness and generosity of spirit that restored his soul. I now enjoy being on the receiving end of generosity of spirit.  I am also working at developing this attribute. 




4 comments:

TR said...

I am a people-pleaser (slightly less these days since starting to heal) and what I begin to discover is that I did make people feel uncomfortable, I think I may do this still when I behave in old patterns. I drove away people who were healthy even when I thought I was being 'generous'. I want to develop this attribute as well. xx

Ruth said...

One of the things that I found helped me in this direction was asking people if they wanted my help. This went a long way to help me gauge how other people perceived my desire to help. I also listen to my heart more....am I helping out of fear they won't like me or from a place of I love them so much I want to help and will listen to their needs. Sometimes people just want us to listen and cheer them on. It is a wonderful process. I enjoy helping others so much more when I take out the fear factor. Hugs TR thanks for reading.

TR said...

That is a good point. I think there was something you said on another blog where we have been 'trained' to fix a problem even when there is no problem to fix - like someone wanting to be heard. I felt like I was jumping to a perceived crisis or problem even when there wasn't one. It helped to see it like that b/c it helped to not make interactions stressful.

Ruth said...

I'm glad what I wrote helped. Have a great day.